Sex Q&A: Dealing With Sexual Frustrations

You want sex all the time, but your partner doesn’t. Do you stay in the relationship or leave for one that is more sexually fulfilling?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Brianna from Chicago, Illinois asks:

I am a very sexual woman, and I want and think about sex all the time, but my boyfriend is the opposite and isn’t sexually pleasing me. I love him; it’s just hard being sexually frustrated, so I wanted to know should I stay and deal with it or move on?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Brianna. You are indeed a spirited and vivacious woman who will not be penned in by the edicts of soul-numbing tradition. However, social programming is difficult to alter and I sense that you often find yourself confused as to the best course of action. There are several viable ways out of your dilemma if you’re willing to keep an open mind and be honest about your truest desires and your deepest fears. If you keep both these things clearly in mind, you really cannot fail.

From what I see, you’re a normal, healthy woman who doesn’t need to shackle herself to the so-called “ideal” of sexual monogamy in order to be whole and happy. They’ve tried everything (and I do mean everything) to convince us that women are naturally monogamous, but modern scientific studies tell a very different story. There’s an interesting theory that suggests women learned to use sex as a means of barter to guarantee survival since it was the only really valuable commodity they had in patriarchal, female-devaluing cultures. Therefore it is women themselves who foster the myth of sexual monogamy out of concern that any woman who follows her natural sexual instinct by sleeping with a variety of men will devalue the commodity for the rest. And indeed, in policing their own ranks, it is often women who are the most ardent and vocal opponents of anything that smacks of promoting free sexual expression outside the tight bounds of marriage and monogamy.

In the last few years, there’s been a veritable bleating mantra from the oxytocin crowd claiming that women are chemically inclined to be pair bonded to only one male. Now it may very well be true that oxytocin has an effect on a woman’s attachment to a certain man (after all, all our “feelings” are little more than short-term chemical reactions) but most of the evidence set out to support this idea was invented by a politically conservative scientist, funded by a politically conservative administration and most of it has been discredited. What impartial scientific research has shown is that women are physiologically more adept at being promiscuous than men and they hide it a lot better. In other words, as a group, women are no more naturally monogamous than their male counterparts and they never have been.

I’ve gone into all of this in order to help you understand that there is nothing in the world wrong with you. The problem is the boyfriend you have just isn’t the man for you. As you said, you are indeed a highly sexual person and I sense you will only truly find happiness in a long-term relationship with a partner who can allow you the freedom to explore your sexual nature with other partners. There’s nothing wrong with this. You aren’t abnormal or perverted. It’s a simple lifestyle choice no better or worse than all the other choices we must make to either please ourselves or everybody else. If you decide to go with the call of your own true nature, then you’re going to have to part ways with this man. His nature is in total opposition to yours and it would be highly unfair of you to ask him to alter it to suit you. Once he’s out of the picture, take a breather on the serious relationships for a while. I know you have a natural inclination to pair bond with a single primary mate for the sake of domestic security and comfort, but for the sake of yourself and the next person you make any kind of commitment to, I strongly suggest you explore beyond your normal social zone before you head in that direction again.

Start moving in more liberal, bohemian circles that embrace polyamorous lifestyles. There are lots of men who have a taste for women with more hedonistic sexual mentalities and are fully supportive of women’s sexual freedom. A lot of these fellows have trouble finding long-term partners, since many women have been taught to believe that if a guy isn’t jealous and possessive then there’s something “wrong” with him. But, you could find a fine man among them who would be only too happy to share time and space with you while allowing you to be who you are sexually. The main thing is, this is your life, Brianna. This is your one shot at the adventure. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re wrong. You’re not. What you are is honest, and we’ve got far too little of that in this world.

Liam

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16 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Dealing With Sexual Frustrations

  1. is

    im sexual person i have a wife inspite of this i feel loneliness i want to practice with her daily that made her unhappy with me i always think about woman and how can i do something with her , my happiness when i practice the sex , but im very faithful im not able to do this with an other woman .

    Reply
  2. duckydo

    Liam, you are obfusticating in this article. You say the research shows that women are more psychologically adept at being promiscuos and at hiding their infidelities but why this should be interpreted to indicate that women are ‘by nature’ not mongamous is a mislead ofn clumsy proportions. Another meaning attached to woman’s adeptness in this area – a woman is not feeling loved by her man and the man she loves – she seeks this in another and is adept at hiding it because she is still emotionally attached to the man she loves and senses his probable loss if she is discovered; ora woman has loss love and respect for the man she once loved – she takes a lover and switches her allegience and attachment to him over time. Her nature throughout these shenaningans remainjs essentially monogamous – her adeptness from her point of view protects her from losing her man whom she loves or protects the man she no longer loves. As hunter\conquerors males, putting aside socialised factors and love that arises out of their respect and admiration for one particular woman, ‘by nature’ are not monogamous but rather seek to hunt, capture and conquer before moving on to the next.

    Reply
  3. Marc from the UK

    Well you could always try this with your man to get his attention ” Give him a swift knee to the privates, and as he’s looking at you through those dour misting eyes, on bended knees,

    just say ya know honey, if you cant make it swell up I sure can !!

    Reply
  4. Aimee

    Yes Liam..
    “I’m once twice three times a lady and I love You, You and You.” 🙂
    You give me hope that a man exists who can hold that space and accept me.
    I will be giving a talk on ‘authentic sexuality’ at a relationship workshop to psychotherapists. Redefining ‘rules’ and removing the word ‘cheating’ from their offices and such. Gulp.
    Wish you were there.

    Reply
  5. Nancy

    How refreshing. I adore you, Liam. Although I’m more conservative in my beliefs, I love it that you are nonjudgmental and open-minded.

    Reply
  6. Suze Victor

    I feel her pain I have been in this relationship for almost three years with no sex i tried to hold it down because I love this individual I am also frustrated with all his excuse of why what do you think I should do, I am also thinking of leaving but finacially I have invested a whole lot into this relatioship, I am not a highly sexual person but every now and then would be nice, I am just saying

    Reply
  7. Aida Bon

    Bravo again Liam,
    Plant an oak in the jungle and it will have many leaves. Plant an oak on the northpole it will have few leaves. Both however remain oaks. It will be absolutely impossible to change the two oaks under the circumstances they are growing. So if a woman is not satisfied by a partner, it is very unlikely she will ever be, even after therapy. Those two oaks just cannot intermingle and live happily ever after.
    Love Aida Bon( The Netherlands)

    Reply
  8. athena

    Hi Liam,

    How are you? I have a strong feeling that you are certainly one of the liberal men who would encourage his long-term partner to have sexual freedom and other creative outlets. Thank God for men like you! Not only are you a great healer but I also applaud your honesty and freedom of expression. I have learned a lot from you. In the Magical Land of Tarot you certainly have the seat of THE HIGH PRIEST. Thanks again for imparting words of wisdom and for “clearing the fog”. You are a great friend and Guru.

    Reply
  9. elian

    Why assume that plural partners are needed to satisfy one very sexual woman? Why not suggest the other option of finding a very sexual man? Why are you constantly pushing for sexual plurality? Your bias is showing.

    Reply
  10. elian

    Evolutionary sexologists claim that women are programmed to change partners every four years–to give enough time for the child of the union to reach three years of age when he can follow a moving tribe on foot. That a woman’s attachment grows for two years and wanes in the next two is accepted knowledge; but that women want to have many men at the same time is a rather new, if not shocking bit of news for me.

    Reply
  11. Deby

    I completely relate to this woman. My situation was the same. I was in a monogamous devoted relationship for over three years. He was only a few years older than I, but I was not sexually satisfied. It was never the quality, it was the quantity. And, I had always said that to him. Although it has been about a year since I was in a committed relationship. I still do love him very much but, unfortunately he was not willing to meet me at least halfway. So, I do feel your pain girl. It is tremendously difficult to leave someone that you love so deeply. However, sex is an important part of a relationship. Not the only thing nor the number one importance. But, making love is a deep intimate connection between two people who really do love each other.

    Reply
  12. Deedee

    Hi,
    I feel I must respond to the article above since I never for one second felt that Brianna was looking to add sexual partners to her existing relationship.
    In my opinion she was probably coming to the realization that her present boyfriend was not likely to change his ways regarding his sexual appetite and that nothing she could do would make him somebody that he is not. I did get that she was upset because of her feelings for the guy, but we are not all created sexually equal. I think she was wondering if it was time to move on.
    I never got the feeling that she was looking for polygamous relationships at all. She simply needs to find a man with her high libido. It is sad to be in a position like that but to compromise on something as vital as intimacy would likely be a short lived journey. Compromise is just not good enough sometimes.

    Reply
  13. marie

    Liam…this is such a beautiful honest answer for all women to embrace. So, many of us try not to be honest to what works for us in a relationship, and back down to embrace what society cults as normal.

    Reply

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