Sex Q&A: Can Men Keep Their Word

Why Do Men Say One Thing and Do Another?

Kari from San Diego, California asks:

First, I would like to say I think you are brilliant. You speak the truth no matter how unpleasant. And until we embrace the truth, little can be resolved. My question: Why do men say one thing and then do something different? For example, they pursue you full steam and then vanish without a word before anything develops, even a date. This happens to every woman I know. Are men that flaky or just afraid of being honest or are these men lacking integrity and maturity?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Kari, and thank you so much for writing. Your inquiry is quite thought provoking. Any serious attempt to analyze this topic is bound to foster debate. It requires different levels and layers of explanation for clarity’s sake. The short answer to your last statement is yes… most men in Western culture suffer from a devastating case of arrested development. We utterly fail to foster male emotional maturity past the age of nine or ten, and generally encourage our men to remain children most of their lives.

But I don’t know if male immaturity is really the prime motive in the issues you’re concerned with. In regard to men coming on strong, hot, hotter and then going away, that’s pretty much male sexual conquest behavior in its most basic form. My question to you is: are you sure these men aren’t getting sex out of these interactions? You say the guys vanish before even a first date… Are the girls in question putting out even before they get to go to a movie? Lots of girls do these days, thinking if they don’t go to bed with the man right away, he’ll move on to someone else. You see, just as we’ve got the mass “male immaturity” complex in Western culture, we also have the mass “desperate female” complex that enables it. If a man comes on strong and you give in, I can virtually guarantee you the whole relationship will be over just that quick. It’s the nature of the beast. If you want to have sex with a man for just sex, then go for it, I will always encourage that. But if you want a relationship, you have to wait it out.

Also, where are you and your friends meeting these Mr. Fickles? I’m guessing that more than a few were met on some sort of mainstream dating site. Though there are exceptions to every rule, I always encourage my female clients to be very careful of the dating site scene. The entire scheme is viewed by most single men as a players’ smorgasbord, chalked full of desperate women just waiting to be snatched up for the promise of a possible commitment. The majority of men who claim they are on such sites to find a future bride are like the proverbial kids in a candy store, leaping from profile to profile and bedroom to bedroom, always looking for their “soulmate.” Though not all experiences are the same, by in large, a lady submitting her profile and stats is left with no allure, no mystique and thus no empowerment. It’s a complete objectification, designed with male desires in mind while catering to female fantasies. If you’re honestly looking for a long-term relationship, my advice is avoid the online thing. Bars and clubs, as well.

So what’s a lady to do, awash in a sea of boy-men, damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t? Stop trying. Stop looking. Here’s a big secret for you. Men desire that which they cannot have. They lust for the one woman who isn’t looking in their direction. So get on with your life, and stop worrying about finding “him.” Enjoy your own vibes, your own doings. You’d be surprised how chemistry sometimes just “works” when nothing is being done to force it. And you’d also be surprised just how many losers and jerks you can avoid by not playing their game. When you do meet someone who trips your trigger, try friendship first. Getting to know someone for themselves can open your eyes to whole new worlds of pleasure. Men of substance and quality do exist. But a woman has to have something to offer. This means knowing herself, being herself and being fine with that.

Liam

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40 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Can Men Keep Their Word

  1. apol

    one of the best response! absolutely right! thanks for enlightenment and hoping for more of good advices.keep it up liam…

    Reply
  2. asiax5486

    Liam, That was a fantastic response, I am very enlightened by that as well. You have shed light on a subject that many should take heed too! Many Blessings~Asia x 5486

    Reply
  3. Patricia

    I have been saying the same thing you just said Liam. I agree with you whole-heartedly! Women have enabled this behavoir in men because of desperation and now all women have to suffer because of it. Women are constantly looking for their validation from having a man in their lives because they don’t know who they are. I always encourage women to know who they are first before entering into a relationship with any man and to wait on having sex with them until he can prove he has some kind of substance. When you know who you are then you know your own worth and when you know your own worth you don’t need validation from anyone. Therefore you don’t fall victim to being used and exploit as women. Keep up the good advice Liam I’m loving it.

    Reply
  4. Megan

    Good article. I especially love this….” Men of substance and quality do exist. But a woman has to have something to offer. This means knowing herself, being herself and being fine with that.”

    Reply
  5. sajvpete

    There are no “good” men out there and no “good” women. People are people and we are all a bunch of lying, manipulative, mean-hearted, scum. Every last one of us. My dad always said when someone asks “how are you?” They are asking after you physical health, so The response is “well” or “fine”. “Good” indicates the status of your soul and since Diety (God/Goddess) is the only judge of the status of our soul(s), I can only report on my health.
    Personally, I can’t wait until I am old and men stop hitting on me- I have always just wanted them to leave me alone, since I was about 4 and the creepy guy at church pulled me aside to touch me & from 6-12 when my sister molested me & the entirety of junior high (with every male in the school being a lying sh*t). Since I was 14 years- hanging by the pool and doesn’t matter which pool, some creepy guy will hit on me.
    I have never wanted to be married. Don’t see any purpose for relationship(s). I don’t like people touching me- Liam (from a previous article, told me it’s because I’m neurotic & stuck up) but really it’s because when people are in the same space as me (they don’t even have to touch me, but touching makes the sipohing of my energy stronger) they just suck the life out of me. Always- “I need, I need, I want, I want, gimee gimme gimme.”
    When will men just leave me the hell alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t go out places to meet them. I don’t try to meet them. I don’t dress provocatively. I have tried to be as unattractive as possible (for a long time the hair in my pits was longer than the hair on my head) It doesn’t matter…They just keep showing up. Now, I won’t even be nice to them- I don’t like being impolite, but I just want men to leave me alone.
    Now the dilemma…Every psychic I have spoken to tells me I am supposed to be in a relationship. Now…since I have NEVER wanted a marriage type relationship. Why would all these different psychics tell me my destiny is the complete opposite of the desires I’ve had for my life, for pretty much my whole life?

    Reply
  6. Teegirl

    Nice one!!! Women should put their own feelings First in dealing with a Man,am nothing saying be self centred but at least Love yourself and Cherish your own Life..that man will come along and love you for you.

    Reply
  7. rebecca

    Its, like woman are prey to men, the hunt for a woman is what is so alluring to men. His sites will be on you untill he gets his trophy, then he is gone, If you want a man to keep chasing you, you need to keep being alluring. Let him think hes got you, then just at the last min make a move where he has to keep chasing you. But is that what you want, or do you want a man that isn’t going to leave once he’s got you? Thats the question you yourself and only you have to come to terms. Once you do you will start attracting the kind of man that you want.

    Reply
  8. JANENY

    why is it that upon all my sacrifice for my guy,he still look elsewhere for another girl..am sick and tired of going into any relationship now,because all the relationship have had are not working.pls i really need your advice.

    Reply
  9. Gina

    Liam I truly agree with your comment on “Why Men say one thing and Do Another”. In my case over the years including my ex-husband who have been drop dead gorgeous men but lacking the self confidence to not second guess my love and commitment to the man I was involved with at the time. My first love I met him at age thirteen but did’nt date him officially until age 15yrs old. He was born and raised in England but heritage was Chinese Jamaican. My culture similar on my mothers side of the family but my fathers people are Hispanic decent. We were very much in love
    and our parents were very happy with our union as friends and potential partners. We although had alot of negative comments from our parents friends and jealousy from other young women and young men who had an interest to either him or myself. These people would do things and say things intentionally to break us up.
    It was a very sad outcome because we both in the end ended up marrying the wrong people and both were unhappily married. We both had beautiful girls by the different partners. After eighteen years of marriage to my husband who was constantly disrespecting me in our marriage with other women I finally told him I was not going to continue to put up with his disrespect and I filed for divorce. He was shocked that I wanted to divorce him. Remember he was the cats meow to all women. He was very good looking on the outside but his character was very devious on the inside. My second boyfriend before I married my ex husband who now is a sergeant in the police force and in the Military asked me several questions in regards to my divorce around the time my younger brother died and six months after my fathers death. I personally was surprised by his comments and disappointed at his so called conclusions of my personal decision which was your just like my ex wife! I guess it’s your turn. I personally felt he was way off in his thinking and being very jugdemental about my situation which actually was none of his business. He confided in me a couple of years ago about his divorce with his first wife and I was very supportive as a friend at the time even though I was still married to my husband at the time. The second woman he became involved with they lived together 5yrs and when she became pregnant with their son then he married her. Well one day when we spoke he told me he was divorcing her and she was unfaithful to him. Mind you I never asked him what the situation was with his wife. He was suppose to take care of some business for me and I personally feel he was trying to get my feedback and to make her jealous because at that time I was not married. So him being around me in what ever way being that I was his ex girlfriend would make her jealous. I did’nt know at that time she was a common law wife and not actually married to him. After they had their son and after we had a big disagreement which again was due to his not being fully forthright with me. He ended up officially marrying her and it lasted only 1yr. I found that out through his mother. After 3yrs of divorce my 1st love called me up and asked me why did’nt I call him and tell him I was getting a divorce. I told him I did’nt think that was appropriate and I would never disrespect his marriage. He told me he was eventually leaving the relationship because his wife was treating him unlovingly and took a large sum of money out of the account to put on a seperate property with her sister. I told him I was very sorry he was going through all of this and that maybe my mom and myself could come up to visit him and his parents. Mind you he gave me the impression that he and his wife were already separated because he told me he was mostly at his parents house which was not far from his house. My mom, my younger daughter, and I went to visit his parents and him. When we arrived he was very happy to see us also his parents. They planned for us to stay the whole weekend which was fine with me because he explained that he would be at his house when it comes time to retire for bed. During the stay he did reveal that his wife was at their house along with his daughter. So I asked him why did’nt he bring them to his parents house for us to meet his daughter because I already knew his wife but never met his daughter in person. He and his parents explained that she dosent like them and wont come to the house to visit his parents. I did ask if she knew we were staying there for the weekend and they did let me know she was aware of us being there. He even took my daughter and myself to their house to meet his daughter and I did want to see his wife in person to reasure her I was no threat to them as a couple. It seemed to me that after meeting her she was cordial but anyone could tell she really did’nt have the love for him as her husband and that there was a reason why she was acting the way she was. When we left I did let him know I personally feel he needs to iron his marital situation out between the two of them and I could not and did not want to be apart of a love triangle. I again wished him and his family the best and that I will aways love him as a wonderful friend.
    He told me that he will always love me and that when the divorce goes through he is coming back for me and take me to jamaica the way we originally planned before we married the other partners. I told him to make every effort to keep his marriage in tack. He did at that point reiterate that the marriage was over and for me not to worry about him staying in the marriage. Well within six months after we spoke his mother called my mom and told her the devastating news that he died from a heart attack. She explained that he previously had a stroke and was not taking the medication his doctor had given him. He was getting physical therapy at the time but one day when his wife was home his mother explained that
    his wife gave him something to drink and within an hour he died of an heart attack. When my mom told me what happened I was devastated. Till this day it still brings tears to my eyes. At the funeral his wife would’nt come into the parlor to view him at first. His mother and I went in together. We both just held each crying uncontrollably. I guess I looked liked the grieving wife. It was unbelievable. My mom went and got his wife to come in. She went near him and took her finger poking at him stating he felt hard and cold. My mom and myself just looked in disbelief as we were finally seated. finally his father said we had to pay our final respects and had to leave at that point. I felt as though at that moment I did’nt want to leave him. His father had to assist me to leave the parlor. At that moment I felt that my first love was gone. It took four years for me to truly open my heart to another man to fall in love again. He was one of the older brothers of what I thought was a good friend. We were in a 2yr relationship and were engaged to be married. Well my mom and his mom, sisters were jealous of our relationship according to him. He was very catering to me and my daughters including my mom. which I in turn anytime he was at my house I catered to him. We did for each other. He was a very physical person and I explained to him in the beginning of the relationship that I have high morals and wanted to be married and not just living with him as an engaged couple. He apparently had a problem with that because he was not ready for marriage and according to him because his first wife did him very dirty and he wanted to make sure this is what he truly wanted. So I explained to him I was not going to play house or games with him and that he needed to be more honest with me. Even his mother and stepfather got on him about his odd behavior towards me all of a sudden. I do truly believe he was cheating on me because I would’nt give in to him wanting me to just live with him without marriage. Even after we broke up he continued to state that he did love me but he blamed everyone else including me for the break-up. Again I was very hurt and disappointed. I still get all kinds of men interested in me but either their too young and immature or too old and act like old fools. Liam can you give me some insight on my situation Please. Will I ever get married to the right man for me and that he wont second guess my love, character and commitment to him. also will he have the strengh and character to be strong when it comes to dealing with other women who might be jealous of our commitment in the relationship. Thank you for your input in this situation.

    Reply
  10. Delia

    Dear Liam,

    Great explanations. I really like your message today. More power and keep up the best of everything.

    Thank you,

    Delia

    Reply
  11. sweetz1

    I guess I’m that type of girl, except for the sex part. I don’t jump in bed t soon. I wait it out! But. the man I married a was with just was not putting out. I believe he loved me. But, we’ve spit up for almost six months. Everyone telling me to move on and stop waiting for him to come back. And I can’t. It don’t chase him. I’m not giving myself to anyone!I love this column. Just hope I can apply it to my life.And with that being said, would’nt he want be back? Especially, since I’m not chasing him? I hear he’s sleeping around though. But, I cant seem to let go about the fact of us being together again. 🙂

    Reply
  12. Kathleen

    This is a great article. Liam has a great way with words, explaining clearly and covering all avenues of thought. Thank you for reinforcing what we need to be reminded of.

    Reply
  13. Angela

    I met a guy on a dating site. We chatted on and off for like 2 years. I finally agreed to meet him one night at a local restaurant parking place close to where he worked. I was running late but he waited on me but when I pulled up and got out of my car to meet him, I was totally turned off by his appearance. The plan was that I was going to follow him to his house where his roommate, who is an older gentleman was going to cook dinner for the two of us. I was so turned off by his appearance that I acted like I lost him in traffic, so I went back home. He continued to pursue me over and over and over. I finally agreed to meet him again and when I did, I liked him. We spent the next 3 or 4 weekends together, in total bliss….He told me he loved me after about the 4th weekend together and that he wanted to come home to me everyday. so he asked me to move in with him. I moved in with him and it was about 3 weeks later that I found him talking to another woman online. I left him that very night. He convinced me to come back to him, it’s been almost 7 months now and everyday 2 or 3 times a day he tell’s me he loves me, holds me at night, makes love to me at night, etc….Well, this weekend I was getting on our computer and found where he failed to log off…..what I found just broke my heart in two. He was IM’g another woman telling her “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I only can hope to someday meet someone as beautiful as you are” and “Will you ever let me take you to dinner one night”. My heart sank to the floor. When I asked him about it, “Why…would you say something like that to another woman”? all he could say to me was “There is no reason”…. That’s all he could say. I can’t get another word out of him about it, yet he tells me he wants me to stay with him, and not to leave him. I love this man, he’s the first man I’ve given a chance at love to since my divorce. Am I a fool to stay? I need your advice please….

    Reply
  14. fris

    I like Liam’s to the point answers and have always learned about the male behavior.
    Even this article explained or rather assured me that some of those men are just looking for one thing on dating sites…..but the reason I wanted to read through was the heading.
    My question is why would a guy say they would do something “no problem” and then come up with excuses for not keeping their promise? like didn’t get time,forgot…. Surely its basic in any relationship friendly or otherwise to keep your word! I do.

    Reply
  15. Diana

    This has happenned before and the weird thing about it is that there is no need to have sex with these people or even go on a date with them in order for them to disappear. I know, it’s happenned to me. More then once.

    And one time i noticed it happen to someone else. I was sitting at a table with a couple men in a restaurant. The waitress was smoking hot and really nice. One of the guys kept flirting with her and she was kinda joking with him. Mayber i should mention that this waitress looked like a million bucks and the guy at the table was not terribly attractive himself. He even wrote her a little poem on a napkin. Then he got around to getting her number and promising to take her snowmobiling the next day, when she wasn’t working. She said “ok”, she seemed to like the idea. The he turns to us and says “oh shit, i gotta buy a snowmobile by tommorrow”. Then he just never calls. I imagine he didn’t spend that much time in that restaurant afterwards, which is kind of a problem since it’s a small town and there’s not that many places to go and i think him and his friends used to go there pretty often (there was a lounge and TVs with hockey on them).

    Now i’ve seen it happen but i still don’t get what the hell he was thinking. Are men just retards that complicate their own lives simply to try and hurt the feelings of some poor girl that doesn’t deserve it?

    Reply
  16. michael

    you know liam,you might have some of this right, yet most men keep there word, even when it hurt to do so.the sad thing is women never keep there word, and even when caught in a lie, they keep on, and on, trust me, beleive me,don’t you love me ect. point is most men hit the door, at the first sign of lying, and god knows the first thing women say! i didn’t trust him,anyway. So ladys i would say if you want a man in your life..you better know how to be honest..because if you don’t, all you’ll hear is the slaming of the door.

    michael

    Reply
  17. catherine

    This totally spoke to me, Liam. I thought online dating was the new and improved way to meet in this high tech age. But it is a meat market probably more so than the bar scene due to the fact that gals have no idea how many girls he’s chatting up from his computer. We could see this if in a bar. Being a friend first is the best way, I agree(I’ve learned this the hard way). Girls can’t escape our oxytocin/estrogen cocktail of commitment. My motto, do wht makes you happy and safe.Catherine

    Reply
  18. Ellen

    One more thought… it does take two to tango – no matter how cliche that is, if we want to have long-lasting relationships, we have to look into ourselves first. We may well be mirroring that exact (or similar behavior in another form) that we may be uncomfortable with in our partner… and after 28 years of marriage, I can say that even when you are soul mates, you still have to work on yourselves and on each other – because life changes get in the way, and believe me, some of those can really throw even the best relationships for a loop. But, if the basis for the relationship is “best friends” – and “not giving it up” immediately, it truly can last.

    Reply
  19. Ellen

    Amen, Liam! When these women “give it up” to these guys too soon, that is what they are doing… “giving themselves up” to what is often a “conquest” (primal behavior for men)! There are exceptions out there, but few and far between. There is no allure in that for a man or a woman, for that matter, and it is way more exciting and sexy to get to know someone first. Living in a computer age is not conducive to that special part of meeting someone, either, I agree wholeheartedly. For all you know, there could be a bunch of lies on those profiles! Who knows what people are really getting themselves into? – –
    I had a little of this syndrome going on way in my past. But surprisingly for me, I met a man with whom I became friendly – and over a period of 3 years, became my best friend. He was not what I would normally be physically attracted to (and by the way, it was exactly the same course for him, as well). During that second year, this man got cold feet and told me that he thought we should see other people, because I was 7 years younger than he was (at the time, I was only 19, and he was 26. I guess I was mature enough to say, “Well, I think you’re just a chicken, because we are getting so close, but maybe we should open ourselves up to new relationships”. Long story short, we did meet other people during that year, but we were both pretty miserable, because those people were not our “best friend”. And the sex felt pretty empty, too. After that year, we got back together for a good solid year’s worth of a relationship, and then we got married… 28 years later, still together through thick and thin (REALLY!), I have a 13 year old boy and a 16 year old daughter, in whom I am trying to instill those same values. I realize they will have to do their own learning and experimenting, but I do try to instill in them that it is what is inside that makes someone beautiful on the outside… and I hope they will eventually learn from their parents, and not the crazy teens out there that are also already “giving it up to whoever comes their way” – just for the conquest or to gain popularity (that’s another whole issue going on now that I won’t even touch on!!!

    Reply
  20. Pen

    I find this whole sex too soon philosophy intriguing.. I have been in a long distance relationship for six months, on a more casual basis, which is mutual for us both at the moment. We were communicating for two months before we got to meet up face to face again(we are old school friends) Of course we are going to be intimate, we have had two months of build up, and just two weeks to enjoy each other…. Are there exceptions to every rule, I think so…. brilliant article.

    Keep shining brightly to guide us Liam

    Reply
  21. GRANT

    Really love the reply,but can you pls hook me up wit a really nice lady,priscribed from you….dont let me down…

    Reply
  22. Maria Melo

    Thank you again for another great and timely article. You are 200% right again, the events that happened to me personally this past week were exactly as almost a prophecy of what you mentioned in this article.

    Reply
  23. Kathy

    Thank you for your comments about the on-line scene. That was definitely my case: desperation. I don’t go there anymore. I’m finally learning to seek out my friends when loneliness hits. Certainly, I would rather be lonely than miserable. Seeking out friends is easier than going through the heartache of a bad relationship.

    Reply
  24. Isabeau

    You speak the truth. There is so much pressure out there to be a piece of merchandise that we women have forgotten how much we fought in history to depart from this objectification of our gender. Now we have fallen for it again!!!

    Reply
  25. Mae

    Liam,
    All you have said are crystal clear! Perfect pieces of advice…
    Thank you so much. Please info more about the beast behaviors.
    mae

    Reply
  26. leen

    dis i really a damn good advice.men always gives excuses dat they r busy.but the fact is dat sum how dey may b busy but sumtimes dey tend to give just an excuse.dey just play wid gurls emotions n when dey get laid wid dat gurl dey start ignoring dem.

    Reply
  27. Leena Marsdenwalker

    fantastic support liam you offered, watch brings me to my personal stuff, we meet my partner and i through the newspaper right, bearing in mind a m8 suggested sometimes it is not what it seems to be, this young 35 year old man was too good to be true we had a few things in common, i was lonely and wanted to meet a friend, as my partner was on the inside looking out, he was ok with it, the 35 year old man was honest his honesty exspressed on many levels, at one point of our friendship he asked to kiss me i acted on at the time my thought and felt dishonest, and like in some way i had betrayed my partner if he found out he would be angry as i would be, ths 35 year old was also taken by another women, this went on for a couple of months, i put out boundries to keep away and to leave ths 35 year old he meet a part in me that no one ever had, the sacrefice i made was to leave the both, 3 years later the 35 year old and i share a one year old son togeather,after betrayal in our relationship, dishonesty, disrespect, veoilence all ths is from both of us and twice at trying in relationship conselling, the love is go’n, do i know what will happen tomorrow, i know i deserve respect to beleave it is one thing to know it is something else, what i have let go of is trying to controll him, it is great.. and give all to our son.. how he is responding is he is do’n more cleaning my car etc and i am not hocking into the mind games, the things that have keep me in ths relationship hav’n been alot of things that were not good for us like, not be’n wanted as a child, not be’n really wanted by this 35year old, needyness, feeling inactiquite, despartion like disparte house wives. thanks for listen’n take care not shore if their would ever be a future here, after the betrayal i always hoped that this would be the man i would be with the rest of my life.

    Reply
  28. Deborah

    Ok I am a woman of 61 years old divorced after 30 years, and now divorced for 8, I have tried different clubs and organizations and clubs. I have yet to be asked out on a date. I am not an unattractive woman in fact most men and women think I am 15 to 20 years younger than my age, I am a well educated woman and speak 5 languages. I also speak the truth with care not to offend nor disgrace another. Yet I had no date requests in several years. I was not looking. But I finally went on the on line dating site as many suggested I do. I had 50 to 70 messages a day, and I attempted to reply in kind to each of them. However the men that attracted my attention were as this artical reflects. I was honest and always posted a new photo within each month. I am honest to the enth degree. Yet I have been stood up before even met for the first time more than even met. I do not get it. If a man wishes to meet you then make the date, if not go to the next profile. I am not an aggressive person and have never said “let us meet”. I am from Venezuela and we are not taught to be aggressive towards men. We await the man to make the moves towards us. That shows interest and respect towards a woman.
    So I do not agree with your article.
    Deborah

    Reply
  29. Alex Kay

    Liam, I love this article !! I am enjoying being single and have been for more than a year. I was thinking about getting back into the dating scene but am not really excited …… I will take your advice into consideration !!

    Reply
  30. Gabriella

    Hi Liam
    Well said. After trying on line dating and singles events Ive come to the same conclusion. Ive stopped trying to find some one and am getting on with following my passions and goals. If some one turns up that great if not Im happy on my own. Of course I would love to meet my soul mate but beleive it will happen when its meant to.
    I think woman shouldnt sleep with some one untill he has made a proper commitment to them and this can take several months to much longer.
    Men know woman generally want a commitment and can play a woman along to make her think so. There are good men out there so woman just have to not rush it and take the time to get to know some one really well before getting involved.

    Reply
  31. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hail and Well Met Liam,

    I agree 500% with everything you have posted in your response to Kari, and , in particular, about staying off of the dating sites. Very good advice!

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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