Red Responds: If They Cheated Before, Will They Cheat On You?

Angie from Windsor asks:

Red, my boyfriend and I have been together for a rocky year, but we both love each other very much. Recently, he confessed to me about cheating on his previous life partners. Now I’m scared, and can’t help it, but it reaffirms my feeling that I can’t trust him. Although these incidences were from many years ago and have nothing to do with me, somehow it feels as if I was the one he cheated on. Is it normal to feel this way? I had caught him in lies before, which he then claimed that I’m the one who has faulty memory, the one who is trying to manipulate and brainwash him. He also claimed that I’m the one with trust issues and I have to deal with it myself. How could we be so in love, and love each other so much, yet still both feel as if we are riding a roller coaster in the dark? Please help.

Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:

Dear Angie,

I’m no psychologist, but I personally believe that every emotional response, whether logical or not, cannot immediately be labeled as something normal or abnormal. I can tell you, however, from years of experience and thousands of readings, your reaction of doubt and mistrust is pretty common. Knowing that your boyfriend cheated on others while in committed relationships has triggered what I would say is a fairly normal, logical and emotional response. Because you know that he hasn’t always been completely honest with you in the past, your reaction to his confession is more heightened, because he hasn’t always been a pillar of honesty and morality since you’ve known him. Logic and statistics implies that if he can cheat on them, he can cheat on you, too.

Being in love doesn’t automatically offer safety—regardless of how deep that love goes. The dark roller coaster you are riding isn’t coming from a lack of love, but it is coming from a lack of trust—on both sides. Neither of you fully trust him. Even though your boyfriend has no desire or intention to cheat on you, he is using your insecurities to lay some groundwork toward his own benefit, just in case he would ever slip up. In his mind, should he ever choose to stray, you will be more willing to forgive and work through the betrayal because he has laid this groundwork, and may be able to convince you that you “pushed” him into it!

He also seems to find a sense of power and security in being able to mess with your head. He believes that as long as you’re concerned, you’ll keep fighting toward strengthening and maintaining this relationship, freeing him from taking on more of that responsibility.

I don’t mean to paint such a dreary mental picture of the man you love, but some of his traits and issues are casting a bit of a shadow on your relationship. But it’s not all doom and gloom! His good points seem to balance out or exceed his bad, especially through your eyes. If you choose to stay with him, even with all of the challenges, this relationship shines with long-term potential. If you could get your boyfriend to consent to couples counseling, things would smooth out fairly quickly. Unfortunately, he doesn’t present as one who will eagerly or willingly consent to counseling, so convincing him that it would be tremendously beneficial appears as if it would be a significant challenge for you. On the brighter side, time itself will correct some of the challenging interactions and reactions you’re experiencing. It seems as if you can expedite the processes by being strong, less reactive and carrying yourself with a more powerful illusion of security. I know that’s easier said than done, but you need to remain consciously aware that he feeds off of your reactions and expressed insecurities. Even though that will be tough for you, and it is rather “gamish,” it looks like this strategy can be an effective path that will generate positive results.

He believes you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him. Even with his baggage and fears, this man ultimately will surprise you by what he is willing to do when push comes to shove, or when you become less predictable. With time, determination, and a little manipulative strategy—your hard work and patience will reward you (and him) with the balanced partnership you currently wish you had.

Good luck and Brightest Blessings!

Red

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20 thoughts on “Red Responds: If They Cheated Before, Will They Cheat On You?

  1. Morgen

    My live in boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me and finally left me for the other woman. I confronted her as well since she knew I was with him. They both denied it even though I had all the evidence….she thinks she is way better and that he won’t cheat on her like he did me and the previous girlfriends before me. My ex cannot take blame instead he makes it out as if the exes are at fault for his straying ways.

    I know deep down in my heart this new girl will see he’s cheated on her or she may be the first to cheat on him. They are both the bad guys and will not have a lasting pure relationship, they play victims and lie. He’ll see himself for what he truly is. I wish he gets counseling and becomes a decent human being.

    Reply
  2. Rose Cocca

    i want to make relationship very much..i trust trust trust..him with all my heart….he has been there but i know he not like that like that anymore….i think we are both with other ..and love one another..i know deep dosn he is NOT VHEATING..i told him many times i have faith in him..i know that this has nothing to with us,..but is it his past…i think we will have a very happy relationship..i havent been very kind to him and i did hurt his feeling and i dont mean to..if i every hurt him it hurts so much ..I CANT NOT SEE HIM HURTING..it hurts me too…there is 3 lines i want him to..i accept his past…supports his present…enorcouge his future…to tell the truth his a very kind man..and truly a very senitive and he worry to much….i will wait for him as it takes to fix his past which i dont want to know….i know deep down we can make this relationship..work for the best if no one stop us …whatever makes him i happy i go along with…9 THERE GOES MY SPELLING AGAIN) AND MY WORDS if you csant understand it ..i cant understand understand my writing..my nail are long and i hit the wrong letters…please trust me when i tell you the truth…i want to be comminted to you..for ever and ever and that is no lie…

    Reply
  3. Brad Nakayama

    Both sides of this question are correct from their perspective. Just remember that coming from a scientific point of view modern Humans have been around (evolved) for around 250,000 years and “cheating” was survival for the “human race”. Trying to change this survival instinct in men is not really realistic. Try to realize this truth. It takes 2 to tangle. Men may be more promiscuous … BUT … who are they more promiscuous with? At least 90% WOMEN so women do cheat too. I really do not think it’s possible to get an accurate assessment of whether or not men cheat more than women and if you are worried that your boyfriend might cheat on you then leave him and try to find that magical, mystical vision of the perfect man that will never cheat. Nobody’s perfect. People will make mistakes. But the big question is … it is true that you can love a person that has made mistakes in life that you will regret. Try to focus on the key factors for a successful marriage. Will he provide you the happiness that you deserve and your future children? Will you support him if makes a mistake or does not make enough money during these hard times? If you focus on the negative (fear) then you will certainly attract it. It’s all in your mind/hands.

    Reply
  4. pat mcdonald

    I’m the one he cheated on previously and of course lied about
    doing so. He did tell the current one that he cheated on me. So
    how can she be so stupid– he won’t cheat on her. ONe factor in
    her behalf is that ht is so old now to do good sex– but she works at
    getting him off by her beaver shaped teeth and mouth. WHAT
    A PRICE TO PAY—- NOT ME.

    i AM A FIRM BELIEVER ONE A CHEATER — WILL CHEAT AGAIN.
    HOW MUCH DO YOU AGREE????

    Reply
  5. Annetta

    me & my husband are getting a divorice because he cheated on me with another women at his work place i’ve since moved out and she has moved in. I was wandering will he give me the divorice I’m asking for or will he not.

    Reply
  6. Sandra gomez

    hi i need advice.. Please my boyfiend of 11 years cheated on me 3 years ago… But i have trust issues with him i found out that during that 3 years he was still talking to that girl she even found out my number and told me a number of things i talk to him about and he denied every thing.. I dont even know if i love him no more.. He did so much to me i acullty hate him so much…and he cheated with one more girl at the same time as the other one… Now i dont feel anything like before… What should i do

    Reply
  7. Jason

    I can definately relate to this story and after reading this I can say that this is the best advice given, being in a similair situation.

    Reply
  8. Vickie

    My husband had an affair about three years ago but last year he was hiding a Truck driver women from me not letting me know they were talking on the phone he says she is older and married and he new I would been upset and that they were talking but its not true I don’t have a problem talking to other women as long as its only friendship kind of talk and not him trying to cheat on me he knows I’m not jealous of other women around him because the sneaking around talking on phone I want to know if you think he will more than likely do it again?

    Reply
  9. marilyn

    Good morning, I just had to ask. I have been with my guy for going on 12 yrs. When i first meet him i work at my job as he was a mechanddiser for which he worked for pepsi. I readdly was not ready to be with someone , because i had already had broke up from a another bad time with the passed guy i was with before i meet this guy im with now. But i didn’t know he was married and that he had a girl that he was still seeing when he found me. I moved to olathe after i lost my husabnd from a death. An its been so hard for me to try to deal with so much. Then i found out he had been cheating on me with others girls calling him an him sending them flowers. But he would never tell me the truth. What should i do ? Im still in love with him but all he does is yell at me an i cant handle much more. Should i just give up or should i hang in there an see if it get better. ty ;-(

    Reply
  10. zee

    i bleive if i give answer to angei if say angei your boy friend may be he got some personality problems may be he is not the one who cheat with you may be he got some good heart but some one put bad thing in him its now on you find out who is the chercter wich is not working properly no one borne indepentend some time the people who born indipentdet they got diffrent chercters as well find out and cut that chercter form his personality if you love him other wise i am the last person who can stan with you and give you alot more then him i v got the same issue like your boy friend i nevre cheat i never lie but that time my satuation was diffrent i dont want to show weakness to my girle friend oh sorry friend and i never understand how i deal this thing so i did mistake i never say i dont no or i dont wana say any thing on the issue or i never sy its my personal you cant help i tell lie to her and she get upset and lose the trust so after every thing gose upset so i was with her for good porpose and for positive life but as i say i lose her trust and she is worried every time but i cant solve the things again its gose toward bad bad and bad but in my second girl frined i never did any mistake i learn good and i still keep right way now she is not with me but it dosent mean i leave the right way i learn honesty trust not lie. some tiem boy like you angei but when boy watch your honesty trust or nice life style boy dont want to lose you and boy get upset and in side boy think oh if she knows this how i manage my personality or may be i lose her if i lose her i dont no what happend so angei find out where is the problem and what is the problem your boyfriend cheat you and tell you lie there is some thing behind it. sorry to your boyfrind but if you love him i must help you out and if he never stop lieing i well help you to start new good and wonderful life. cheers bye

    Reply
  11. Julie Wools

    If my husband previously cheated (last year) and swears to have learned from the mess it caused, is there still a chance he may do it again??

    Reply
  12. Sharyl

    Good Morning Red,

    You are a great problem solver, so here is one. How do you deal with issues that are out of your control?? . This gentleman and I were very much in love, his kids knew about me but not once did they go out of their way to even say hello to me. They are also three states away in California. There are weekly phone calls between them, but that is all, and he loves his kids very much which is ony right and good. They have know about me, but in their conversations, there have been subliminal thoughts, concerns that the two of us could have worked out easily if we had been given the chance, fears and anxiety about what would the neighbors, friends think???? So now, we have been torn apart, are not in contact, and I feel very badly about all this. What might be your thoughts on this???? I am a Scorpio and he is a Taurus. Thanks for any information.

    Reply
  13. Pabatgirl

    Angie, life is too short to be with a man who you don’t trust and who is trying to manipulate you. You deserve to be treated with respect. . End the relationship. If you stay you will bring more sadness into your life.
    Find strength within. Peace

    Reply
  14. Mary

    Almost 2 years ago I had a feeling my husband was cheating on me, but I never said any thing about it to him. We weren’t even married 6 months when he wanted me to go spend some time with a friend in another state so he could have his space he called it. I came home about 1 1/2 weeks later and I noticed he was acting weird and wanted sex in different ways that we have never done before. He had left his old cell phone home one night while he was at work and I found a way to charge it and found a picture of a girl on it that I don’t know. I asked who she was and he said she was a friend of a friends at work. I later got a hold of his new cell phone while he was sleeping and found several text on it saying something about spending time with her boyfriend, so I text her back from my cell asking her to stop textn my husband and she wanted me to call her so I did. I then found out he had been cheating me for several months at that point and he also had sex with this girl w/o a condom on. And he had giving her a brand new laptop computer that he told me it was for work. I also found out that he had bought her a necklaces while I was in the same store with him, he told me it was my Christmas gift for me to go to a different part of the store and to this day he claims it fell of his trunk cause he forgot to put it back in there and drove off with it on the trunk. What also make me believe he was cheating on me was when he text me telln me we need to cut back on sex cause it was taking him to long to get off, and he has NEVER said that to me ever. I forgave him cause at that point we had been together for 15 years and married not even 6 months and I didn’t want to throw away what we had and thought it was just may be a fling at the time and going through a mid life crises that men go through. After I forgave he was all lovey on me. I still had my guard up, and to this day he has never told me why he did it and probably won’t ever tell me. As far as I know she has moved to another town and he don’t know where, but I do. Facebook tells wonders when they put stuff up on where they live lol. an d she don’t work at his job anymore either. I have told him if he does I will have him in court and collect alimony as well. My question is: do you think he will ever cheat on me again?

    Thank You,
    Mary

    Reply
  15. Rose Cocca

    i trust my sweetie very much if i didnt i would not be around…i know what he needs but it hard to get together…i miss it myself…but i dont know what to do…i ried so hard to see him..but to no avail.. RED..WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO THIS.. somewhat we cannot talk to one other..i want a long relationship with him..and someday get married but i get very confuse to know what is my future with him..i love him and i want to be with him..but it looks like a lost course…it is one year and we havent got any closer that we were 5 years ado…we talk…we had fun…even though i !!!!!!!!….but i enjoy being with him….RED what i can do?

    Reply
  16. Ronald Stuckey

    I kinda feel that I am being honest enough to say, I have yet to ever experience falling in love with anyone for any significant time, and I FIND THAT To be a curse as well as a blessing. At 60, I would be pleased to love someone, but after having been married to someone for 24-25 years, I don’t have the stomach for today’s give and take in a relationship. I think both sexes are sick in the head to put up with all the drama, and games people play today-in the name of love. Much of these actions are twisted at best. Many mistake lust for love, and feelings all fall victim to collateral damage. What’s wrong with love today?

    Reply

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