Red Responds: She Flipped the Switch

Hi Red,

I was married for 11 months, together with my wife for 5 years. We separated at the end of August and both got our own places. She left with such a fast pace, it was like standing on a corner of the freeway, watching the cars go by at 80 mph, and not being able to focus on a single one.

Chris felt that we didn’t have the connection that she needed in order to be truly happy. I thought things were great. We had a good dynamic, we had good conversations, we had fun together, but she was lacking this connection that she felt she received from others. And now, it’s like she flipped a switch and turned me off.

She started to see a man at work after we seperated. It started off as friendly flirtations, but grew. She feels she gets the connection with this guy that we didn’t have. This guy was someone I confided in during the separation. He was a friend of mine. He and I still chat it up a little, via email, instant messenger, what have you. The two even met up in Cancun for a little getaway recently. The thing is, I love her so much, and I am holding on to something. I married her for a reason, and those reasons I still believe in. Deep down, I know she is the right person for me. I have had enough experiences to know that, and that’s why I chose her. We chose each other. I guess my question is, is there hope for a reconnection for us? I’m not just waiting around, because I feel that would just make things worse. I am keeping busy, I got a new job, and I am staying active. If you see anything that could suggest us reconnecting, and maybe leading to something more, I would love to have that clarity. Thanks, Red.

Stormy in Seattle

Dear Stormy,

You come through as a really good guy who has been dealt a pretty rotten hand. I’ve got to tell you, I like your style and the attitude in which you are handling all of this. Because you’ve got this really deep and quiet strength about you complimented by a great sense of humor, I know you will come through all of this with an element of grace that few can achieve.

You are going to need to pull on that inner strength, my friend, because it is time to let go.

You are a pretty big man to keep in touch with the man who is currently with your wife. I bow to you. Especially since your perception of the “him-her” timeline is a little off. He is definitely part of the equation, much more than you want to believe.

The woman you married is gone. While your marriage doesn’t present badly with a list of things that caused this separation, Chris was not honest with you when you exchanged your vows. She does have a level of love for you, but that “in love” that you feel for her – well, she was hoping that the mere act of marrying you would bring that feeling back for her. But it didn’t.

Some people need to take a walk on the wild side to realize that they already had what they wanted. Chris looks like she’s going to stay searching for the next couple of years. While she does not look at your relationship with her as bad or negative, she does feel that she’s outgrown it as well as you. So she’s going to keep searching, making new connections, and feeling them fade. In the very unlikely event that her pride would let her come back to you, you need to be prepared for the fact that her spirit would once again lead her astray.

This is why I say it is time to let go. What you had is gone, and what you deserve is something better. It’s going to take some time to heal, but you will. And your future really isn’t stormy, it is a beautiful, bright, sunshiny day!

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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