Sex Q&A: What Kind of Woman are You?

Sexually Frustrated in a Monogamous Relationship

Renee from Monterey, California asks:

Liam,

I just got through reading your answer to a question posed by a gentleman named Doug. He was mentally torn because the two woman in his life are withholding sex from him. I sympathize with Doug’s situation because I too am in a relationship with a partner who is withholding sex. Although I understand that sex is not everything in a relationship, when it comes to my relationship, I can’t remember the last time we had sex! I have tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but he gets embarrassed. I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and unattractive. 

I don’t know what to do. Cheating is not an option for me—I am not that kind of woman. Yet if something doesn’t change soon I am going to go crazy. I am sexually frustrated and  I don’t feel that I should be since I am in a monogamous relationship!

Liam’s Response:

I’m not sure whether to be alarmed or amused by your bourgeois notions regarding love and sex. Your expectation of total sexual fulfillment within an absolutely monogamous relationship illustrates the depths of your flawed perceptions. Furthermore, I’m curious as to what you refer to as “cheating.” You claim you would never “cheat” because you’re not that kind of woman. Pray tell, Renee, what kind of woman is that? Who are these women of passion you find so morally reprehensible as to not wish to be of their kind? Women like Catherine the Great or the immortal Anais Nin, just to name a few? Certainly with your moral surety and fortitude, you’d not allow yourself to be lumped in with such a tarnished lot. Now it may simply be old age and cynicism, but I am of the notion that the only people who are really not capable of “cheating” are those who haven’t been given the opportunity to do so. If a man suited to your taste and temperament willing to “cheat” with you came along, I suspect your bedroom door would swing wide to welcome his arrival quick enough.

As to the dilemma you present, I will say that though there are indeed men with naturally low libidos and limited sex drives, in most cases if you’re a woman in a relationship with a straight man who doesn’t hop into bed with you whenever the opportunity presents itself, there’s something wrong. Sexual dysfunction and stress aside, what you’re describing are the normal actions of a man who simply isn’t attracted to you. There are a million and one reasons why a man might choose to pursue a relationship with a woman he’d rather not sleep with, and none of them are fair to the partner they’re trapping in a lot of psychological garbage.

If my answer seems cruel, try to remember that nature is cruel. And sex is cruel. Sex is about dominance and submission and pain as well as pleasure. That’s just the nature of the beast. You need and deserve far more than this man is giving you. But to find what you seek you will first have to dismiss your delusions and understand the true motivators in your own actions. Once you have that, the true motivators of everyone else’s actions become crystal clear. Beyond the sugar coating we like to give relationships, most of it boils down to sex in one way or another. All the rest is swamp gas. Now go forth, and find a playmate that suits you better.

Liam

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10 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: What Kind of Woman are You?

  1. Anne

    I think you talked down to this woman a bit, which is harmful and insulting! She came to you for help and insight. Curb the verbose responses and just help her to see kindly and clearly what her next step should be. Shes hurting.

    Reply
  2. Aida Bon

    Hi Liam,
    At least you will have one comment in ENGLISH! Your answer is as usual amazing. I print them every week so I almost have a book now………………
    Love Aida Bon (The Netherlands)

    Reply
  3. Gayle

    Sometimes there can be a medical issue, and it’s not the type of thing men like to talk about. My ex husband was similar to what you are describing. I finally got him to go to a doctor, and there was a medical problem. He was a heavy smoker, and smoking can damage the blood vessels “down there” which was the case with him. I’m not a smoker, but my God, it must be a serious addiction if a man would rather “go soft” for the rest of his life instead of giving up tobacco. I eventually left the marriage, but it was because of other issues.

    My thought it this: Before you start blaming yourself, or, worse yet, lower your self-esteem by believing that you are unattractive or undesirable, find out if there is a medical problem. If there is, it may be treatable. Good luck to you.

    Reply
  4. Lele

    Not only women withhold sex men do it to. What’s up with that! My impression of that is I think they maybe angry or just don’t want to be bother with thier mate because they think that might hurt them, and see if they gonna get jealous, or something. The man Probably want u to beg for it, and enjoy making u wait because they think u have to deserve to sex.

    Reply
  5. mary bevill

    Help ..this why im not tied down no more to any one guy ..no moer…o know want to be wild like this butt guys ..like him….piss me off and turn me offf..used their excuses prostated proublem on have a hard ondick plzzz…they do to laldy on online date sut a.d

    Reply
  6. mary bevill

    Ive had guys in past say i was good,..o plzzz..while is this ladys at bands better..or ladys on line,better give ur love too help….or phone thing also…know he dump me ..i dont see a guy who even hss computor,..on phone that hopks up online computors anymoer…because of this ive starting bigg issues ..witb guys like tnis…i mean its nott…….. like,i cant be single ………know…butt….no good come from it ..hes talms about ake

    Reply
  7. mary bevill

    Hes nott chsnges..with no lady out there…he meets…….be jeouly over me when we at band ..allmosted thought i was ask for guys number, at tuners bar,in mo…….nd want leave there with him,in mo,state,……and live ill,state had no …car,….and i had no interested in hoím at all..this other guy mite of.. Utt

    Reply
  8. mary bevill

    Sexly …haveing proublem with him,….when was him,part me is not over him yet,,im trying not tbink about him,…i dont why think of him at all ..hes mistreat me bad at band he playd in …and right out front me so many times .i know thats got be lady he talk intwo .show up their at bands that i dont know hes have a sex with on this siteline,,i know hes know im roght becaise .ehen.ladt taslk to him, hes tell to stop talk to him,about thst becsuse we agure about i cant help it ….i feel be cheat on that eay out of whT should be mind..not lady o..line or computor buty its tooo..late….me …he dump me…….so why why feel bad……for open up…computor sexs with..and phone sex .near hes area,,i feel ..deeep in soul..thats not

    Reply

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