I’ve been in love with a man for three years. I believe we are soul mates. I just “know” him. We have such a strong connection, and that blows us away. It has not been easy, due to the circumstances surrounding everything – he was married when I was seeing him. A couple of years ago, I almost lost him because of a stroke. That was an unbearable pain – to almost lose someone that I have such a strong connection with. I want to wake up to him every day for the rest of my life.
My gut has been very good at getting feelings about things. So I do feel I will marry him. He’s going through the beginning of a divorce now, which is long overdue, and wasn’t happy in his marriage for a very long time. I went through my divorce eight years ago, so I’m ready to settle down. Everything is all hush hush right now. His kids don’t know about us, but I want to meet them, his family, and friends. I want to live with this man, and want to be married again one day – to him. We both have children, but don’t plan for any more. I don’t want to rush him, since this is going to take some time. At the same time, I don’t want to wait for something that won’t happen. I struggle sometimes with my heart, my rationale, and the way things appear to others. What do you see in the future for me and for us?
Greetings, Becky. Love is a confusing mesh of emotions; a tumultuous category five hurricane of conflicting motivations. We all like to believe that matters are cut-and-dried. That there is a definable standard by which true lovers meet, come together, and live happily-ever-after. That’s just not the case. So we are left on our own to ponder it all with our meager instruments of understanding – seeking answers where perhaps there are no answers to be found. These are not issues with their foundations set firmly in the concrete of order. These are forces that devour and consume with ferocious totality. One of the biggest mistakes a person can make is to believe another human being belongs to them. It’s especially detrimental when someone makes love a spiritual certainty. Love is often in direct opposition to safety and security, and there are never any guarantees if we roll those dice.
I fear you’re confused as to what intuitive thinking is. You seem to believe that the very natural feelings you have in regard to this man are somehow validations of energy vibrations. What you’re really feeling is the chemical reaction of being close to someone you’re imprinting, combined with, in your case, some very serious wishful thinking. You’ve allowed yourself the luxury of a sugary fantasy life and iced it with a thick frosting of our old pal, spiritual mandate – the all powerful holy entitlement. This kind of thinking is the death knell to true intuitive understanding which is much more a process of the subconscious involving manifestations of abstract information through very direct and conscious channels.
I think it’s time for you to stop talking about soul mates and knowing things. The true voice of your own intuition is far more active than you know, but you’re refusing to listen. Social and traditional longings, and the need to commit and “be settled,” are muffling the voice of your reptilian brain. “Mate and beware,” it whispers. “For not all is as it seems. This man is not what he pretends to be.”
You speak a great deal of “knowing,” and what you’re certain will be. Why, then, in the same breath, do you speak of “waiting for something that won’t happen?” In the deepest recesses of your soul, what you really know is that something is dreadfully wrong. You’ve floated along on a pipe dream, and now this man is finally in the position you wanted. He is almost free of his wife. Why, then, is he not eager to couple with you? He should have rushed to you, whisked you off your feet, and taken you far away after introducing you proudly to his entire family – not to mention giving you a chance to get to know his children. Not only didn’t that happen, but now you see signs of his drawing away from you. Something is wrong, and you know it.
Life is too short for silly games. What you are to him is a “transition girl.” A lover utilized by weak males to wean themselves off stronger women and into independent surroundings. You give him sex, moral support, and tender motherly care. However, when that man is strong enough, he will leave his wife and go out on his own. While you’re waiting for your just reward, he’ll come and have a talk with you – a difficult one. He’ll say that he isn’t ready to commit, yet, that it’s just too soon, and that he’s thinking of the children. He’ll keep coming to your bed, but less and less often. Meanwhile, you become desperate, chasing illusions. In the meantime, what he really wants to do with his newfound freedom is to take the opportunity to audition a myriad of younger, less motherly candidates for his next trip to the altar. These women are ones who don’t sit and wait for divine intervention. They’ll take that man without regret, and you’ll be the loser.
All is not lost, but you’d better lose your illusions. Start pulling away. Push him off and date other men, while encouraging him to date other women. You’ve become a standard in his life, poised to be discarded after he’s used you for his survival. You cannot afford to be taken for granted. Insist you’re not sure how you feel right now, and that you aren’t ready to meet his children. When you finally do meet them, be damn sure to captivate them. Let this man go play the field for a time. Keep the door to your bedroom shut where he’s concerned. You need to make yourself mysterious. That’s not going to be an easy change up for you to accomplish emotionally, and it’s almost too late. I see him having that difficult talk with you within three months. It’s time to either change the game, or get out altogether. While you’re deciding which you want to do, remember there’s a reason he’s getting divorced, and that you’ve only heard one side of that story.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.