Why You Should Think Twice About Being Single

Embrace the Single Life Before it’s Gone

This topic is deeply personal to me and I can best share from my own experience. It’s also a difficult topic for many of my callers, who often equate being single with being lonely. Let’s stop thinking that way.

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Being Single is “Unacceptable”

It seems like being single is a terrible thing to be—especially if you are a woman. Everything in our society seems to be oriented around couples, whether it’s having sex or raising a family. It’s so bad that many of my female callers feel like they can’t even go to a restaurant alone because “people will think it’s strange.”

Single Women are “Incomplete”

We are brainwashed to believe that without a partner, we are incomplete. It doesn’t matter how successful we are; if we don’t have a partner or a family, we don’t have anything. What words come to mind when you think of an unmarried woman? Spinster? Old Maid? Why aren’t there any male equivalents to these labels? That’s because no emphasis is placed on a man’s “biological clock.” It’s not “ticking,” so he doesn’t have to search for a partner to make him whole.

I Bought Into the Myth (for a While)

In my youth, I totally bought into the myth of the incomplete woman. I thought I needed a man to be happy. That’s why, at age 28, despite my best attempts at finding a man who would commit to me, I became a Third-Order Sister. I lived outside of the convent, and was free to date or marry, but I chose not to. I chose voluntary celibacy.

On Becoming a Third-Order Sister

I was tired of trying to have sexual relationships with men who couldn’t relate. And for 14 years, I was blissfully happy! I enjoyed my life. I enjoyed being free of family responsibilities and having plenty of time and energy to devote to my ministry. I enjoyed hanging out with people, listening to their stories, singing and praying with them. I let them cry on my shoulder. I encouraged, advised, and comforted them until 4:00 a.m. if need be. I was everybody’s sister, and mother to the younger people. I loved each of them dearly. And I loved coming home to my sanctuary, which was my clean, quiet, peaceful house where I lived alone with the Lord.

The Freedom to Do Whatever You Want

Now, you could argue that being a Sister is different from merely being single, because I had the company of the Lord, which is true. But really, I had freedom, just like any single person does. I just chose to spend my freedom on prayer, meditation and exploring and deepening my spiritual life. Like a single person, I also had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I had the time and energy to be with friends. I volunteered, enjoyed hobbies, and ate popcorn for supper at midnight. I didn’t have to answer to anyone or cater to their demands.

Then I Inherited a Farm

Then I inherited a nine-acre farm. I was excited for the challenge, but very soon I realized I could not take care of it myself. I prayed about it, and a few days later a friend from karaoke confessed that he was in love with me. We became a family 10 years ago. Now my house is always noisy and messy. I have become a servant in my own house. I’m the cook, the maid, the mommy and the nurse. I have no time whatsoever for myself, my friends or my ministry.

I Still Miss My Single Life

The time I used to spend in meditation is now spent arguing about finances and all the other things couples normally argue about. I love my husband dearly and I am very thankful for him and hope to grow old together. But in all honesty, I miss my peaceful single life. So, cherish it while you can. You may be praying and wondering when you’ll meet your soulmate, but when you do, know that your life will no longer be yours to live as you please!

Psychic Arwen ext. 6419

18 thoughts on “Why You Should Think Twice About Being Single

  1. Kat

    Hi Arwen
    Thank you for addressing the issue of being single. I was married for28 years to a very nice man but alas, I found myself growing and changing at a different pace than my husband and we divorced. I also found myself intensely and passionately in love with another man who will probably never be able to commit to me fully. I know and accept this. Which makes for a very interesting set up. I consider myself single in most ways as I am able to live my life pretty much as I wish. However, I also consider myself in a relationship and have no desire for anyone else for the past16 years that we’ve been together. Bottom line is that although I, at times, do miss the24/7 companionship I can’t imagine giving up my singleness after all these years of being alone. Yes, people do stare when I eat alone at a restaurant or go to a movie or coctail lounge by myself but I find it to be rather amusing. It’s an image of mystery and self-confidence and I truly enjoy the reactions I encounter.
    Our society is still mired in the mud of male dominated Puritanism. We women who are finding what we need out of life on our own without a male counterpart are to be heralded for our bravery and self love for we are certainly blessed!

    Reply
  2. Psychic Arwen

    wow, so many wonderful and insightful comments! oh yes, I hear you. can relate. 🙂

    Vincent, one of the few men replying, thanks for your contribution! Your comment exactly illustrates my point about brainwashing, in that you said twice, “we can’t argue against the obvious,” and then, “life is meant for two.” “obvious”? “meant”? according to whom? You said “divinely designed,” but celibacy is a legitimate spiritual path in most religious traditions.

    The fact is, our social conditioning is so deep and powerful that we usually accept it without questioning as “obvious” or “meant to be.” Coupling benefits society by breeding more workers, tax payers and soldiers, and also because families spend more money than singles, which is good for the economy.

    The downside to this conditioning is the huge toll of human misery that I encounter every day as an advisor, people feeling depressed, lonely and incomplete without a partner, or staying in abusive relationships because they believe that being single is not an option. The brainwashing is especially harmful for young women who put priority on relationships above their own education and career goals for the sake of what they think is “love,” have babies too soon, and end up as single moms raising their kids in poverty.

    While coupling is the social “norm,” it’s not for everyone. Some people are very happily single, as evidenced by the experiences of those who commented here who, having transcended the conditioning, discovered that they can indeed be happy on their own – which is not to say that they would reject a soul mate if and when that person should come into their life.

    When I became a Third Order Sister, my priest told me, “Do not assume that what is right for you, is the same for others. Everybody is different and has their own unique path.” And that path is not set in stone. Life is a series of choices that we each must make along the way, discerning through prayer and meditation what is right for us, regardless of what other people may say.

    Thanks again to Vincent and everybody else for your thoughtful comments!

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  3. Elizabeth

    Arwen–I totally get you!

    I’m approaching my thirtieth birthday next month, spent pretty much twenty-nine years of my life single (if you combined my three relationships, all of which were short-lived–basically less than a year together), and four of my five closest friends are married. Even my sister, who is younger and the only other child of the family, is married! On the other hand, my mom’s side of the family consists of two unmarried brothers and an unmarried aunt, all of whom are content living alone and doing their own thing.

    I, on the other hand, feel pulled by both directions: I wouldn’t mind settling down with someone much like me–not that my biological clock is running out of time because, frankly, I don’t want kids–but considering where I live, I don’t want to settle for less, which is what I had to do with my relationships, just because I was pressured by expectations. If the guy can’t meet my standards (and to most people these days, they seem to be high), he’s not worth it. It’ll have to take a very special person to put up with me, my stubbornness, and my quirks. Until then, I’m better off being single and heartache-free.

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  4. Vincent

    OK. I don’t know if I’m the only man replying, but it doesn’t matter. Singleness can and should be a time of growth and enjoyment. And no relationship should completely define a person. But let’s not argue with the obvious. We are divinely designed to be coupled, and reproduction is only an optional part of that. That special someone doesn’t account for all of our happiness, but they absolutely ‘Complete” the circle of happiness, and are an integral and unique part of it. When you find the right one you never want it to end. So how can that person be merely optional. Life is meant for two. It’s ok to admit that. Not ok to make a pseudo intelligent argument against the obvious.

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  5. gemini6

    Thank u Arwen for your article. By the way I do agree with all u ladies. I have never been married and I love being single, I love coming to a quite home. I see all these couple and kids and bad parenting everyday and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to thru that. I have dated a lot of men and all they wanted was a meal ticket. So, I am so tired of playing the dating game. I have just decided to let it go and concentrate on me and deepen my spiritual path also It is such a joy. I know that god knows what I have gone thru and prefers me to take care of myself and not worry about things like this its just not worth it.

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  6. Elaine Brouillette

    Dear Arwen,

    I love your article. I am single at this point and know exactly what you mean about having the choice about how to live. My one exception is sometime caring for grandchildren. I know there are different paths open to us throughout one life time, and most all have value for us. I once met a lovely woman who had been a Carmelite Nun in her young days, then left the convent. A priest with whom she counseled told her there are temporary vocations. When I met her she was the happily married mother of four. I was glad to read that you have been open to different styles of life – all of which have been God’s gift to you. All blessings to you and yours.

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  7. Clifton

    Being single is good, but when you find that compatible person to share your life with is even better, “One can chase a thousand but two ten thousands”there is much more that one can attain when both party are on the same path, i am still in search for that someone.

    Reply
  8. Patty

    I always thought I’d be married and have a couple of kids by the time I was 30, just like my sisters. But, my life didn’t turn out that way. I’m 56 and never married, and I don’t have kids. Considering how the world is turning out, I’m so glad now that I DON’T have kids. I want someone to love, take care of, and spoil rotten, and I would hope he feels the same way about me. But, as a line from the movie Some kind of wonderful says, I’d rather be alone for the right reason, than with someone for the wrong reason. One of my sisters is divorced, and the rest of us knew she should never have married him in the first place.

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  9. Psychic Arwen

    Thanks for all the great comments!

    Leanne, not sure where you got that. Maybe you are projecting from your own experience. I’m still me! and still have the same “religion and beliefs and goals” which my husband also shares. The only reason I no longer do many of the things I used to enjoy is because there are still only 24 hours in a day and now many of those hours are spent maintaining our household and the needs of our family. (The editor for some reason cut out the part about his kids and crazy relatives and their demands…) When you marry someone, you marry their family too, and this is simply a reality of family life no matter how compatible you and your partner may be. One of the great things about celibacy is all the extra time and energy that married people with children don’t have.

    Kathy, I’ve tried to sell the farm numerous times. No takers at any price.

    Juanita, apparently my article touched a nerve because you felt the need to lash out at me. If you want to talk about it, feel free to call. You are right, people are judgmental, especially of single women. Yes, it’s true at times I’ve been tempted to return to the single life, but my husband and I love each other and I take our commitment seriously.

    Gina Rose, wow, we have a lot in common! I thought I would never marry but my husband is very special indeed and one of the things that really won me over was his love of the animals and their love of him. The first time he visited the farm, my shy cat jumped into his arms and my horses ran up and kissed him and started following him around. In addition to our spiritual connection, that is what made me fall for him. I couldn’t afford to hire farm hands to help out, so I wouldn’t be able to manage without him. blessings to you!

    Mena, thank you!

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  10. sudershan tinjni

    No life either single or shared is totally happy or unhappy. Life is a mix but one thing is sure if u want to share ur life with some one make sure that u r going to be better and not worse. Now being single u use ur resources for urself to ur liking and if other person does not add to ur happiness it is better to be single with 90% happiness and 10% discomfort some times say occassionally and not vice versa.

    Sudarshan Tinjni

    Reply
  11. Debster

    Hi Arwen!
    What a fantastic and insightful article. It was eye-opening. I think your story about the time with the Sisters brought it home for me. You enjoyed your life, you were in a “place,” that was conducive to single-ness. But really, that’s only geography & and an environment you found to thrive in. What your article brought home to me was, embrace your circumstances and allow yourself to be complete regardless of your surroundings. We create our surroundings anyway… Hmmm, food for thought.
    I also enjoyed the part about your family life now. I understand it totally. It’s a trade, one you make whole-heartedly. Moving into that life meant you went in with eyes open, knowing that you would lose your solitary self. Regardless of who you live with, when you choose to partner with someone demands upon your time, energy, and initiative will be made. It’s a challenge – I loved my ex immensely, however in retrospect there were times I would have gladly traded him for a useful tool like a toilet plunger. All part of the ride here in life, the overall joy outweighed the downsides…

    Reply
  12. Rachel

    Arwen,
    I enjoyed reading your article. I have been single for 24 years now and have mixed feelings about it but love the freedom I have. I was married to my first husband for 15 years then was in a relationship for 4 years. after that I decided to move out west and met my 2nd husband. I thought it would last a lifetime, but it didn’t. I moved back to Florida and have been in the same condo for 24 years. I have a very good life and lots of friends and family that I love and am loved by. I do miss having a romantic, close relationship with a loving man. My thoughts are that I wonder what it would be like to live with someone again after being free to come and go as I please and not have to answer to anyone. I would like to have that experience again. I am a natural romantic and care deeply about the man I am with when I have a man to be with. I am praying that this is the year I do meet my true soul mate and find out if I can live with someone again. I wish all those who are single and would like to find love that they find each other this year.

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  13. Angie

    I enjoyed the reading. I was married for 33yrs. Raised 3 wonderful children but things turned sour in my marriage as a result i have been single now for 23 yrs wouldn’t have it any other way. I have a richer life now then ever before.

    Reply
  14. Leanne

    The first part of the article is great to empower single people so they don’t think something is “wrong” with them. Being single is better than being with the wrong person. The author seems to be with the wrong person though in her marriage. If you have lost sight of who you used to be and no longer do the things you used to love doing, especially drawing strength in your own religion and beliefs, then you are with the wrong person. A partner is someone who is working towards the same goals and who makes you stronger, not someone who turns you into someone you no longer recognize.

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  15. Juanita Barnes

    You are so full of it! You may say you miss being single but you would not give up belonging to some one. People will always think being single is strange. People will always be judgmental. No matter what is going on in other peoples lives, they would rather stay how they are than be “strangely single”. It is AWKWARD!

    Reply
  16. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Arwen,
    Interesting…even fascinating article !!!! Loved your story…..different strokes for different folks as they say…right?

    Well, I was married for 32 years to an FBI agent…..but have been single since 2005 and LOVE IT !

    I, too, live on a 4 acre farm high up in the mountains…..but I hire farm hands to do the heavy work. And I manage a no-kill animal shelter I helped found and build.

    AND I’m active in hooved animal society rescues … horses, ( especially large draft horses ), ponies and mules and burros, etc…

    I’ve actually turned down several marriage proposals since 2005, I’m open to marriage to the right guy though, but he would have to be SUPER, SUPER, DUPER SPECIAL and love animals…. as I’m LOVING my freedom….LOL.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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