Why People Habitually Cheat

With the abundance of honesty in the media about cheating and affairs, it’s safe to say that a lot of couples deal with this hurtful (and quite damaging) act. Perhaps this has become ingrained in society – like a habit – that needs desperately to be broken to salvage any last hope of a “happily ever after”. Why do so many turn to cheating?

People who habitually cheat, in my experience, tend to have several reasons. The foremost reason being: 1) the need to supplement what they feel is lacking in their primary relationship, and 2) the need to feel the excitement of a new appreciation from another.

Both of these needs are intertwined with the inability or unwillingness to communicate honestly, and a lack of of self-esteem. Rarely, I believe, is cheating in a relationship a one-time offense with the person but a habitual way of dealing with challenges in relationships. This could be a lifelong, adult habit.

I have observed in readings that frequently one party in a relationship will feel that overall the life they have with their partner is rewarding — they own property together, have children, mutual social interests. There’s also an established network of friends, relatives and acquaintances in common, which is gratifying to both parties. However, there is a lack of emotional honesty, which either has never been developed or which has not been nurtured as much as necessary. One or both are unable to express to the other what they feel is a lack in the relationship, a lack which needs to be addressed.

Along with the inability to fully communicate is a lack of self-esteem. One might feel that he is not worthy of his partner’s full appreciation, or anyone else, for that matter. To superficially obtain a feeling of self-worth, he participates in an affair, where he can obtain the new and exciting appreciation from another, without the burdensome details of everyday life interfering.

The lack of an ability to communicate honestly with another in an intimate relationship, and the inability to appreciate oneself and accept appreciation from others — are problems that could be addressed with counseling. Whether cheating occurs during the honeymoon, or after ten years of marriage, or during a long-term committed relationship, I believe this will occur again and again until these issues are resolved.

130 thoughts on “Why People Habitually Cheat

  1. kk

    im a woman and i cheat is like i cnt stop somtimes the sex is not even better then sex with my boyfriend but i find myself got more turn on with other guys they make me feel more sexy i just do it for the attention not the sex. its a deep secret that i keep to myself I love my boyfriend he is a good man and i want to stop so bad i really need help somtimes i scream out inside y im doing this to him he dnt deserve me

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  2. Jessica

    Poohbearga, I’m so glad you and your husband found a way to hang in there together. Are things good between you? Have you been able to be open with him about the things you need, but weren’t getting before? Because maybe, with all the two of you have been through, that would bring you closer.

    I’ve met a lot of couples who are elderly or close to it, and who’ve not only been married for decades, but look like they’re in love now. When I have the opportunity to talk with one or both of them and ask how they’ve managed to be in love after so long, they tell me a combination of things….like, it takes communication, it takes listening with love, it takes unconditional love, it takes finding a way to make it through the toughest, most painful times TOGETHER…and they tell me that there have been times when they wondered if they would survive as a couple…but somehow, they made it through those times.

    I absolutely believe, that if two people choose to treat each other well and as if they’re trying to win each other over anew, every day, that they can have an amazing romance that just deepens over the years. I absolutely believe that…but it takes TWO.

    I hope the two of you are going to be very happy, because you certainly seem to mean a great deal to each other! That’s so cool!

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  3. Jessica

    Shay, I can totally relate to what you’re saying about this man you love, seeming to be trying to block other men from you. I sense that in my own situation. He contacts me, but never wants to spend time with me or resolve anything. Always, just as I’m starting to get my “glow” back, and feel good and free from the burden of wondering what’s going on…that’s when I hear from him. He asks if I’m still talking to him, but he doesn’t actually want to really communicate or see me. So, one of my conclusions, is that he’s trying to keep me hooked just enough to keep me from wanting to date other people, and so that he can believe he’s got me for himself, even though he doesn’t seem to want me!

    Are you afraid, Shay, that if you really do let go, and move on, that at some point you’ll look back and feel you were wrong to move on? I worry about that. But I think JP would tell both of us, that if he really cared, he’d be making sure you knew it and that I knew it. I feel for you, because I struggle with this a lot. When I listen to my gut feeling, Shay, I feel that he’s being selfish, and that he’s only worried about how he feels, not about “us” or my feelings. Do you know what I mean? I think they can see this lack of willingness in us to trust OURSELVES and our feelings, and they take advantage of it, whether consciously or not. I wish for you and for myself, a heart full of peace.

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  4. A Single Mom

    I have been cheated on by every guy I have ever dated. I was molested as a child, and then as a teenager. Relatives and an ex boyfriend. I am “on guard” constantly in a relationship. I check email of the individual I am with, I check their cell phone records, I check their facebook and delete girls that either comment too much on his profile or that are requesting to be his friend. This is my current boyfriend I am talking about. I have been with him for almost a year now, and I have known him for 6 years. I have an almost 8 year old son from a previous relationship, and we are currently living with my boyfriend. I know it was a mistake to move in so soon…we moved in together back in September, after only 3 months of dating. I needed a place to go, and he offered it to me. I didn’t want to move into a homeless shelter with my son. I know right, 8 year old son adn she still can’t get her crap together! Back in November, I find out that my current boyfriend has given me the H…the lovely “gift that keeps on giving” disease! I believe he never cheated, adn that this was from a different girl he was with prior to me. He has a son from a previous relationship as well, and he is also the same age as my son. Lately his conversations with his son’s mom have turned from just being nasty toward eachother, to now they are like best friends. I can’t help but to be suspicious…I can’t help but to think since our relationship has been on the rocks, that he is talking to her about a place to go or maybe they are getting back together…not sure. Anyways, I don’t trust him. The girl that gave him the “present”, her number was in his phone, he lied to me for 6 months…from the time we started dating, until the time I find out I had the lovely “present”. He deleted her phone number and she deleted him as her friend on Facebook. Becuz of my past, my past relationships, and because of him lying to me…I can’t seem to move on from it and trust him…or even begin to trust him. He got this card from this girl for Valentine’s Day that he works with, apparently she gave it to everyone he works with. It was some Twilight card or something. I don’t know what it said. But he kept it, hanging on his desk at work…he said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by just throwing it away. My response “If she means something to you, then I understand…but if not…then there is no reason for you to keep an inadament object on your desk becuz you don’t want to hurt her feelings…what about my feelings?” He had no response. He believes he should be able to go out with whoever, whenever…guy or girl…and if he gets dropped off at OUR house by a girl…I shouldn’t care who it is. Sounds like a stellar guy…or am I just not giving him the trust he deserves?

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  5. ed

    some woman cheat as to enrich there life both with money and home,it was done to me,from a flat to a house to a bigger house,now i know woman can callious

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  6. jp

    hi poohbearga, how are you? how are you today with everything that you have been through? some life leason honey, how are you and the husband doing? please don’t belive every thing the wife said does she put blame on you ? YES she does who got the worst of it her husband he felt the hell and pain and anger of his wife!!!! you can belive that. I’m happy that you were able to move on from this and away from him,
    and you have to see what goes around comes around in a 10 fold , if you have or plain on having kids the leasons you will teach them, I would hate to see any child go through seeing the fighting, the anger the pain or seeing mom or dad cry all over afaire like I said my kids are over the age of 21 and just what they saw and knowing what is comming and living with what there dad has done and who he is and no respect for him my kids have seen the changes in me and how I’m getting ready for the divorce, I’m the teacher kids can look up too you or they can look down on you I see that with my 2 how they look at each one of us, poohbearga I’ll be back on sunday morring if you need to talk. take care have a great saterday night love ya jp.

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  7. poohbearga36

    jp i was in a relationship as you are telling jessica. i was involved with a man for 4 years. at first i didnt know he was married and he kept telling me he wasnt. in aug of 2009 his wife got into his accounts and found everybody he was talking to. i ran to this man for everything that my husband wasnt doing. he was feeding off of me and what i was telling him. my husband has stayed with me through thick and thin. my husband even told me this guy didnt love me or didnt care about me. see cuz my husband did that to his best friend before we got married. he knew what this guy was doing to me and he tried telling me but i was convinced this guy was telling me the honest truth..the other guys wife even called me and we talked she said she didnt blame us the other women but her husband. but i couldnt pull myself from this guy. he made my day better and made me smile and feel things my husband didnt. last year my husband cheated on me with one of his friends and she kept telling me there was nothing going on with them but i knew different. so i been on both sides of the fence but when i hear a guy will leave his wife for a mistress i just want to say no he wont and your a fool to believe him..i just wish i hadnt wasted 4 years on the other guy..i couldve eaisly lost my husband but he stayed with me.

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  8. jp

    Hello Donna, just wonding how are you and your daughter doing? how long have you been divorced? is your X with the one he had the afaire with? it sounds like you would like closer to this. why he cheated and not divorce right away he was happy with the family life untill he got caught. FYI it just comes down to no balls, and guilt still that way. how you and your child see him for what he is. you can love a person and be in love with them and go to the ends of the world for them and it all come down to what kind of person YOU
    are. what goes around comes around in a 10 fold, you treat people with love and give with your heart it comes back in a 10 fold if you hurt people or just don’t care about your family or people that too comes back in a 10 fold. so knowing you are a good person but got hurt in the game of life blessing will come back to you and your daughter in 10 folds. good luck and live and love to the fullest.

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  9. no way in h...

    I read a story in dear abby this women wrote in telling her story on her afaire how they both left there spouses for each other and how she throught this life would be great and everything she wanted, so they both got divorced. got married right away, and life is not what she wanted after all . she lost the respect of her kids they have little to do with her, I cheated on there father and hurt him and the family, his kids have nothing to do with her at all in fact her husband goes to the X for once a month family dinners all holidays are spent with his x and the kids he goes to make repaires on the house that him and his X shared, they talk on the phone almost every day. mind you the new wife is not allowed near the xwifes home she paid for one of his kids wedding and was not allowed to go because his kids and x didn’t want her there, when his kids call and want to see there father it is always at his X house. she said she gave up a great husband and family for what? she said she went back to her X on her hands and knees he said to late. her husband see nothing wrong with this. he thinks it’s ok. So in the mean time christmas and all holidays she spends by herself, they do nothing together not even dinner at home and when his x calls he jumps and run to her. so my question is how often does afaires work? when you divorce your spouse does it work with the one you had the afaire with? is it ever thing you dreamed of having? was it worth the hurt and the pain you caused you kids and family? what did you loose ? what did you gain? can some one who has been there give a little help to us who are trying to understand why cheat when you can get divorced or don’t get married at all

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  10. jade

    perhaps in rare situations, history corrects itself…a relationsihp may have been lost by time is refound by destiny, and even though both parties lives have went own and built lives, that emotional honesty can not be meet in the marriage because you never stopped loving someone else…when that opportunity to reconnect arises one must ask themselves if they are truly happy with themselves or are they looking for something else to fill them up, if the answer is yes they are truly happy with themselves, and believe that while they respect the person they are living with, the love they never got over, would mean a lifetime of true happiness…perhaps it is time to exit with diginity and respect, and spend your life with the person you always loved. Just a thought, nothing is ever just black and white…lives can be very complicated.

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  11. Donna

    As a wife of man who cheated on me. We were married for 20 years when I learned about it. I was so trusting during the 20 years, I never dreamed he would cheat on me. Come to find out while going through the divorce he has cheated more than once.

    What I cannot figure out is really why. He had someone who really loved him and would have went to the end of the earth for him. We had a nice little home and a beautiful daughter and it is hard to reason why. The reason’s are of course with in him and I will probably never know.

    I ask him one day, why he felt the need to lie to me about everything. He would not answer, he just ignored me. I told him he got his divorce, why does he need to continue to lie to me…what does he get out of it. He still refused to answer.

    I think he did not feel worthy of me. I thought he was fine…good grief…I loved him and those kinds of feelings don’t happen every day. But the ego and physc play games and some are too foolish and fall for the tricks the mind plays.

    Here is hoping others will never have to experience the pain of betrayal that I have felt. Maybe just one person who has cheated on their spouse will read this and stop and correct their behavior. Then all I have went through will not be in vain.

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  12. smartsportygal

    Hey having sex is want every human needs and crave for. But Cheating is not just sex telling your ex GF how much you love her and how much u miss her and keeping in touch that if and as if waiting till the both r free. What do u call that . Living a lie is living with a partner with just a little love or just for the sake of your kids. That what coz. Cheating coz. once the love is gone passion is gone and hatred and dispite comes in life will be a living hell. Just be honest with yourself if you don’t love the person anymore move out just be a responsible father to the kids and a friend to the wife if that could happen. Take awhile to heal a broken heart but time will heal and everyone will move on.

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  13. jp

    you go Jessica and put on the extra nice undies for that next speical singel guy that is comming your way he will be worth all that and more love ya

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  14. Jessica

    And all the blessings in the world to you and your children, JP.
    I’ll be thinking about you when I’m getting dressed for my next date with someone new…and available : ) !

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  15. jp

    Jessica so do you !!!!! with all the blessing in the world to you and the kids take care honey live and love to the fullest.

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  16. Jessica

    You are so right…he would. Even if he has problems that keep him from wanting to deal with conflict, he would put our relationship first.

    I’m sending you a hug, JP. Thanks!

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  17. Jessica

    ….and by the way, JP…you’re right. I should stop taking his calls. Actions speak louder than words. : )

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  18. jp

    P.S. Jessica if he had a emotional attachment to you or even cared about you more then the sex he would want to fix this relationship in sted of running away. it is your turn to run away and do it fast!!!!!!

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  19. Jessica

    Dear JP, thanks for taking the time to respond!

    I love what you wrote to me, JP! And I agree with you. In domestic violence language, there’s a term, “crazy-making” which means that nothing makes sense. That term comes to mind in my situation.

    I hear what you’re saying, I do. I don’t think or believe that he’ll ever leave his wife. It’s not that. And I no longer wait around for him. I’ve been clear that I’m not his girlfriend and that I’m open to dating other people…and I am. We also have a friendship that has meant a lot to me. I want the emotional closeness that we once had, but I can also see that there’s no way to get to it again if we can’t either put the past behind us, or address the problems that we have, and he’s unwilling to do either of those things.

    We were involved for a few months before we had sex…because I insisted that we wait. During that time, we grew very close emotionally. It was when the complications became impossible to overlook that he pulled away, and the problems started. And when he discovered that I actually wanted to deal with the problems, he pulled away even more. That’s what I mean

    So, all I was saying, is that I’ve gathered that he wants to feel good about himself–and knowing that I love him and am attracted to him, gives him some of that; but he doesn’t want to be close if it means having to be open and communicate honestly. I don’t know why, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

    I’m not waiting by the phone, and I’m not waiting for him to marry me. I’ve just wanted to save our friendship, but even that seems hopeless. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my life very, very much…I love what I do and I love my kids, and I enjoy other people a lot.

    You sound like you’re reaching deep within yourself, JP, and doing a lot of growing and rising above your circumstances. I’ll bet that you’re going to build yourself a terrific new life! I hope that every day is good to you! You sound like an amazing and wonderful woman!

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  20. Dreama

    This is in response to GMAN, you are absolutely right, women cheat as well. I have been in a commited relationship for 8 yrs now ( hoping for marriage) and I would NEVER,EVER cheat. And I can say that confidently. Because I’m not wired like that. I believe if your going to cheat, get out of the relationship and then do what you have to do. Do not hurt people just to sarisfy your selfish needs. It’s still going to hurt but it will hurt much less if you’re honest about it and just end your current obligation. I am so deeplu in love with my guy that I could never disrespect him or intentionally break his heart. He has given me his heart and entrusted me to take care of it, and that’s what I’ll do at any cost. Now back to the subject at hand. Men should try to be as attentive as they were when they set out to capture the woman they are with. And never ever take her for granted, always respect her feelings and most of all be honest and take care of her heart. And talk to her, when she knpows your listening to her and you genuinely care about what she has to say and put forth the effort to understand her and be her partner you will never have to worry about her running to another man.

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  21. jp

    Jessica, like I said and you said ( you love him) you put your self out with your feeling.
    HE IS NOT LEAVING HIS WIFE AND KIDS HIS HAPPY HOME FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he will keep throwing you crums you keep giving him sex and all is well in HIS life!!!!! so keep sitting at home or by the phone waiting for his call, you want more out of this cheating man then he does with you. he just want’s sex and it sounds like you want him and the home with the white fence!!! it’s not going to happen take it for what it is or move on you are missing out on some great guys that will love you and fill you needs and dreams. stop letting him treat you like a botty call you have let him treat you like this so he is and will do so, how the holidays for you? or when him and the family are on vaction together or out with friends and family or him and the wife are out having dinner together? do you ever think of him and the wife having sex? or don’t he lie to you!!! 2 1/2 you put your life on hold for a man that blames you for wanting more he fills your head with Bull S… and blames you for wanting more, Sorry if this sounds tuff but lets get real Jessica you aren’t married you are able to date, sleep, and dream for a life with a man that can can give you what you need. forget about him move on. stop taking his calls don’t answer the texs don’t meet him for coffee aka( booty call)stop fighting with what you can’t have with this man, take a deep breath and start fresh, good luck you can do it .

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  22. Ms. Jay

    This whole concept of cheating is crazy. Women are only a receptacle for pro-creation and monogamy in the Western World it appears, is a misnomer. In the Eastern Hemisphere, a man is allowed as many wives as he can afford and at best, each succeeding wife is also approved by another or other wives. Let’s not forget, in biblical history a man had wives and concubines without having to hide, lie and be scorned. Of course, all women are slaves to the concept of romance, ownership and trusting they have the ‘bull’ by the horns…but this in itself is delusional and rarely binds a relationship for longevity. Men as well as women are the sole deciders of a monogamous relationship! It is ultimately a choice made by either; and despite a cheating partner, will either sustain the relationship or end it – only to move on to much of the same in the acquisition of another romantic interest/union. I know, all of this can be quite frustrating, albeit, don’t blame others for what seems like indiscretions, it is the Creator’s fault. I agree, it’s an extremely complex issue and throws most of us into all sorts of emotional upheavals. Wish I had an answer to this dilemma, particularly in light of how most of us are bred but isn’t it wonderful just to feel all of those unexpected emotions that arises from attraction to another and the roller-coaster ride it takes us on is impervious to our idea of morality. Hormones, hormones will always be at play. Friendship first and love will follow……

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  23. Jessica

    GMan, the article doesn’t specify cheating husbands/boyfriends, it just refers to people who cheat. A reader mentioned male cheaters, but the article doesn’t. The article does use male pronouns toward the end, I think, but I had the distinct impression, that it refers only to people who cheat, whatever their gender.

    And it’s a good article. I’ve been involved with a married man for 2 1/2 years. Most of the last year and a half has been almost no contact between us which has caused problems between us on the one hand, and on the other, the fact that I want to address the problems and take care of them, makes this man I love not want to be around me!

    I’ve wondered exactly the kinds of things that this article mentions…wondered if that’s what’s going on with this man and me. He refuses to discuss anything, while also blaming me for it all. I’d be happy to just let the past go and forget it so we can move forward, but he doesn’t want to do that either. Won’t let it go; won’t work it out. Sounds hopeless, doesn’t it?

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  24. Shay

    I have an ex that has always came back to for over 10 years and he is never faithfull to the person he is with. I dated him for five years and it is like he and I can’t let go of each other. SAD his woman even looks like me and he has been with her for over seven years on and off. He has put off marrage to her 3 times and I feel bad now. I just don’t what to do about this situation. I have tried to let it go but now he was given my number by a family member and we have children with other people. Sex is amazing with us it is always like the first time we did it when we dated years ago. He is always stressed in his home life and it is like he always look for me he says he is happy when he sees me. Now I am the woman on the other side of this situation and I want to let go and move on to a healthy faithful relationship but it is hard because he was my first love. I am looking back at this and it is sad because if he wanted to be with me he would have been I feel like he wants to block other men from me and he jokingly said it before wow I need help!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. jp

    George, you are so right thats why I havn’t cheated it all about integrity, honest, commitment, and what would I be teaching my kids!!!! when our daughter got married it took me all the way from 1 hour before she walked down the aile to let her father walk her down, the words that came from her heart and mouth to me still to this day make me proud to the point of tears, ” mom the only way he will walk me down the aile is if you are walking on the otherside of me that honer belongs to some one who holds true to the wedding vowles.” I didn’t want her to have any regret later in life, but what a honer that was and still is that I walked my daughter down the aile and me her teacher showed her the things that mean the most in life. nothing can replace that not in a life time. George thanks for being a good man it is men like you that I’m ready to find that kind of love and trust.

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  26. poohbearga36

    i have cheated on my husband quite a few times and i was one of those that said hed leave his wife and he never did. i do feel like if im not getting what i need from my husband somebody else will. when someone tells you that lovemaking is only there to reproduce and you cant, you are kinda stuck between a rock and hard place. thats how my husband sees it. he dont like having sex. we have been married four years and it still hasnt changed. i know my husband loves me and i love him. its not only men that are hibutal cheaters i often tell my husband that im thinking about cheating on him..i have a very high sex drive and he dont..im not here to make exuses for what i did but if you arent getting it at home where do u get it from?

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  27. VEREEN

    I believe it”s a lack of self worthingness, I also believe if you want to stop you can in reguard to what was told to you growing -up or what you witness. Because no matter how you look at it right is right and wrong is wrong. And you can stop if you really want too , it”s a lot of help out here if you need help. KEEP HOPE ALIVE

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  28. George

    I have never cheated on the missus, don’t think the opportunity never arises – it does ( often ) and though I’ve thought about it ( fleating thought ) once in a while i wouldn’t do it simply because it is wrong ! Whether it be a girlfriend or a wife there’s a personal commitment there and you can rationalize it any way you want but a rose by any other name is still a rose, Psychic Tansy brings up good points & reasoning but at the end of the day ( or night as the case may be ) your integrity is the only thing to have been affected by cheating !

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  29. Liezl

    You have a nice idea about man cheating. In the whole sense of the world not only man do cheat, some woman may cheat to give revenge or just like man they are not also happy with thier partners. Some might do it for the mere needs and some do it because of companionship and they felt they have a connection. And man do cheat because it is the norm of the society that man cheating is ok while if a woman cheat very very big deal….

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  30. jp

    I’m a wife of a cheater married almost 25 years this wasn’t his first and might not be he last, but 14 month ago I put a plain in action. I have paid off all my bills put money away not in a bank no paper trail. I have had enough! the good old saying is I’m not getting what I need at home. WELL it takes two are you giving her what she need? are you working on the marriage? was my needs being met? in my case NO! but he went and cheated should I have or could of cheated on him? Yes! just for the fact my needs weren’t met and still aren’t, just a FYI, the girlfriend left him and don’t think he replaced her. I took over the bank accounts,don’t think she wanted to pay for the afaire, LOL. I asked for a divorce he wont give it to me so after I went to my attorney and talked and found out the money issuse the OMG set in and the plain went in to action. our kids are over the age of 21, he don’t want a divorce he want something on the side, like most men good family life just thinks it his right to have sex with his wife and keep a girlfriend on the side, so for any women who is hooked up with a married man who give you the line I have a bad marriage but staying for the kids is liying to you!!!! he is liying to his wife that he has no plains on leaving her for you!!!! about his kids another lie when he’s with you what kind of father is he? taking time away from his kids to be with you, even after the divorce he will be a father and what kind of father will he be?( 1) that goes to the plate and takes part in his kids life ( couch the kids team & goes to all the plays the kids are in ) or( 2 )see you wensday and next weekend ( Dam can’t go out next weekend got the kids) kinda father? I would put money on 2 if he is taking time away from his kids to cheat he wouldn’t care after the divorce. the cheater treats you the way YOU let him, he’s at home with the wife and kids for all the holidays & family vactions, the kids sports events. yes he gives you a little time on the side and tells you how much he misses you bah bah bah!!! but when it come right down to it he is useing you. You are only a lay, if he is not getting a divorce for you how bad is the marriage in the first place, because if you were what he realy want’s he give it all up just to be with you!!!!!! and lets no foreget he is most likely haveing sex with his wife, he might lie to you about having no sex but if you ask the wife you might see the truth!!!!!! he is. She will tell you we have a happy marriage that includes SEX!!!!!!! he might treat you more then a one night stand with little gifts and motels but you give with your heart and feeling and in the end he won’t leave his wife he will squit tears and beg her for her forgiveness the I’m sorry crap will come out of him like a little kid that just got caught stelling cand from the store. and you will be left on the side crying that you put your self out for him. and don’t think anyone will feel sorry for you including friends and family because you new he was married from the start!!!! For any one who thinks their spouse is cheating get a plain start putting money away start going through the hurt and anger and finding the closer you will need to be strong. Divorce is not easey I haven’t been through it yet but have been working on my self and getting ready for it. so meny thing I have done to change my life to help get me through this. that I see the rainbow at the end and I’m ready to find love again. I have learned to trust myself that I will be just fine at the end. you will go through meny feeling and worries. and the kids will be one big factory. so just don’t jump in to a divorce get your attorney in place find out where you stand. and start working on your self & your family. pray alot!!! LOL and put the rest in gods hands. one thing I did for me was living a divorced life going places with out him. learing and talking to new people, Yes we have lost some good friends in the mean time they don’t want to be around my soon to be X he has lost there respect. but I got some great new friends and yes still have the old ones we still talk we just don’t get together like we use too. but once this is over I plain to change that and we will all ajust to the new me. good luck god bless I say a pray for all who have been hurt like this in life my god and your angles guide you through this and become a stronger and better you!!!!!!

    Reply
  31. mswch

    I agree with the statement why is it called cheating? i know many people who have been having affairs for years and both them and their partners are still happily married if the marriage is failing because of lack of sex or romace what is the difference if its found elsewhere most of the people i have interviewed who are having affairs have set “rules” such as neither one will leave their spouse & most have said they would never have sex in their bedrooms and have also said that they will be monogomus to one another..however if there are more problems than just lack of sex then counseling and not an affair is the answer!

    Reply
  32. Anthony

    YOU talk about the person whom cheated what about the person, whom was cheated on how do you deal
    with this problem.

    Reply
  33. Cyn

    Reason 3 : Polyamorous is normal among social migratory creatures, which humans are. It guarantees perpetuation of the species. The commitment of lifelong monogamy came about when most people were dead by 30, and had no other means of controlling STDs. And didn’t work then either. In the short term, it exists and feels good because we need to stay together until we produce a child and get it weaned. After that, it is a choice of successful partnership and friendship that keeps people together, not sex. We have been taught that monogamy = love and respect, and that it is the only moral way to be by church leaders and the like. But they are the ones who made religious doctrine out of public health standards. The world does not end if one partner seeks outside sex. In fact, serial monogamy or accepted polygamy is more realistic. “Cheat” is an idea preached into our girls by the patriachal society, and taught to boys with a wink and a nod. I’m female, middle aged, and my third committed relationship.

    Reply
  34. Carol

    Hi..
    I’m one of the cheaters that you are talking about. I’ve been married for almost 30 years..to a very mean, and abusive husband. He always has to be in total control of me and our 3 kids..whom are grown now. I’ve tried to talk to him..doesn’t work with him anyways..he took away my friends first, had me quit my job to be at home and take care of him at first, then our 3 kids. He sold our house because my male neighbor talked to me..and now we live in a wooded area..with no close neighbors!
    I’ve tried to leave but he stalks me..and it’s always easier on my family and friends for me to just go back home. It’s hard for some to understand my situation unless you live in my shoes. I was fooling around one night about a year ago on SN a web site for singles and divorced people..and signed up..I did say I was seperated only. I got a few hits..talked to one guy that was really nice for a while..then he called me on my cell..then a few weeks later we met..and then things just happened from there. He treated me like a human being..didn’t put me down..call me names..just let me be me. But he too was cheating on his girlfriend for other reasons. He is useing her for her money..it’s sad..but I am too. I have been seeing him for a year..and he is what makes me happy..not my husband!! I told my husband this past Tuesday I am extremely unhappy, that I cry all the time, and that I often think of taking my life..it’s that bad. He gave me permission to go and see out a shrink..but only if our insurance covered these visits. He was a little shocked..he treated me like a fragile piece of glass about to break up unitl yesterday when he got mad at me. Now he calls me a freaking nut case..a whacko..and other names..nice guy huh?!!! He’s back to his old self..he doesn’t really care what I’m going through..he just says that he owns me, that I am his possession..and I will not leave him..!!! I know it’s wrong to cheat on him..I am going to start seeing someone professionally starting next week…hopefully I will get the help I need and end up doing what is best for me..NOT him anymore..!!! Thanks for listening..hope I’ve made sense to some of you..and I know not everyone cheats for the same reason I have!! Have a great day to all !!!

    Reply
  35. Leo Female

    Women cheat as much as men. That story just doesn’t sell as well in the media as lately the world seems to be on a sex sells wave, but apparently only the female sex sells. That’s prob the male dominated paradigm at work more than the reality. Also the fact that most women seem to have lost all self respect lately which that same media machine seems to love to help with.

    Cheating isn’t anyone’s “God” given right; spare me that same male paradigm again. It’s everyone’s biological right. It amazes me how easily humans forget what biology is and how strong it is. Marriage/commitment the way humans have forced it upon themselves is almost impossible. It goes against nature. If you can get married and stay commited to one person your entire life good for you. But it shouldn’t be forced. We have avery puritanical view on it in this country.

    Reply
  36. To Pennyworth

    I agree with Pennyworth.
    The difference is..I Am female, and I dont mind admitting I cheated.
    I am not proud of it, and I wouldnt do it again, but, I have heard from others and it seems a LOT of women cheat, I also..agree..women cheat .more than men do…and the man doesnt have to come on to her…she delibertly seduces the man in most cases without being obvious about it..
    How can a man resist when a female goes out of her way to doll herself all up and make the most of what she has, and put it out there to lure the man. Women are natural actors and knowingly can get anything they want. Women can and do spend hours and tons of money on themselves to place themselves into that situation. Its whether the male is weak and falls for it or not. Thats the truth!

    Reply
  37. dreacakes

    I believe quite a few of the reasons above…people think they are entitiled to it, they are allowed to get away with it, society shows that it’s ok but I also believe the emotional reasons are very important.

    If a person is not getting what they need at home..they will go find it somewhere else…where that is sexually, emotionally, or romantically.

    If I had a dollar for every married man that propositioned me..I could retire but I CHOOSE to NOT date married men. Usually they state that the wife has “let herself go”, is too tired for sex, don’t communicate…they become more like roommates than lovers.

    With all the new electronic technology..nobody has to talk anymore face to face…you meet on the computer, you break up on the computer…the guilt , the responsibilty is gone.

    As far as women…for GMan’s question…I am not a “cheater” but thought has crossed my mind in the past. I usually just end the relationship first but the reason that I would even comtemplate it are as follows…1)if my partner has started mistreating me..as in emotionally, psychologically or sexually, 2) if I am being taken for granted and not appreciated 3)if I feel like the other person isn’t even making an effort to try and connect with me 4) romance is gone.

    Relationships…whether business, friendship or sexual..all take work..each and every day to maintain. That’s what people don’t understand..and it takes 2 that WANT to make it work . No realtionship will survive if only one person is trying.

    Just sharing my opinion..hope it helps someone out there.

    Reply
  38. karmaticaffliction

    My opinion on the matter is that it really has nothing to do with gender we all do it as a man that has been cheated on and also cheated I’m the past id have to say it has more primitive reason… look at the world there are literally enough females on the earth to take it cover completely in the course of 24 hours….. its like a 7 to 1 ratio…. with that in mind men understand without realizing that there is far more out there then meets the eye… and women feel the pressure of finding a good man sometimes at any means….

    Reply
  39. Gabriella

    Tansy,
    Your article is right on! I strongly agree with everything you said. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and for the exact reasons you mentioned. Relationships are a lot of work; more than less find it easier to just have flings to feel the excitement of a new beau. You never mentioned depression; I do think that some people have depressive personalities to some degree; hey when your depressed what better way to feel not depressed and excited is to either shop till you drop, gamble or better still get something going with that girl who’s always flirting with you; at least the excitment brings you out of the depression and it lasts longer than a shopping spree or a night out gambling. Again I do believe the basis stems from lack of self-esteem; but also you have to realize that some people are depressed their whole lives without even knowing it (never have been to a diagnostician who can diagnose a clinically depressed person as thus.) With so many beautiful and exciting things in the world, a person can work on self-improvement and on appreciation of nature in all of its glory; just the combination of doing those 2 things can bring a person’s self-esteem up quite a few notches; but then again that takes work, like maintaining a healthy relationship takes work. I have been in 3 long-term relationships with men who cheated on me. So I do have trust issues with men and I’m getting on with my life working on my spiritual goals which totally enthrall me. I am working very diligently on compassion toward all sentient beings and humility. I read a lot and spend most of my spare time in self-improvement and gratitude. I’d say I’m a happy person. I believe you don’t need a partner to feel whole, and that everything you need in your life you already have…you just need to be open to it.

    Keep up the good work,
    Gabriella

    P.S. I’m also a twitterer but I’m over the limit and cannot take on any new friends my url is twitter/Loveisforkeeps. I just joined facebook on January 15th, 2010 and already have almost 1,700 friends with 200 to 300 waiting to be confirmed as a friend. I guess I’m just a simple buddhist who reads a lot of books.

    Reply
  40. Dr. O. P. Sudrania

    Most of Western concepts of a human life centres round the visible or the ephemeral world. but did you know that you are a “Three in ONE”. (1) One, what we all think “I” am, i.e. “Our Body” as made up of muscle, bones, blood etc etc.; the only visible part of our body (2) Two, what others think “We Are”, i.e. “Our Mind/Intellect”. This determines our actions and that in turn what makes others think about us. This ultimately determines what we are in the eyes of others, e.g. one is called an Engineer, other is called a Doctor, Politician, a Cheater and so on; as per our actions guided by our “Mental Faculty”. (3) Three, what we “Really Are”.

    Are we just a “Body”? Are we just a bundle of “Thoughts”? Or are we also beyond all these and something else too. Yes we are. That is, “Our Soul or Spirit”. Word ‘Spirit’ has another meaning too in English, i.e. “Essence or Core”. That makes it the most important part of “What We Really Are”. It is this third factor that entitles us to be called “Alive”. We quite often call of “Heart”, “Love” and such words. What are they? Are they limited to our mental faculties? No. They go beyond that, and that is the “Soul or Spirit”. What our “Soul” is, so are our “Thoughts”, and what our “Thoughts” are, that in turn determines our “Actions”.

    Hence to summarise, “We are a manifestation of “Three In One”;
    (1) Body; i.e. “I”
    (2) Mind/Intellect, i.e. “They” and
    (3) Soul/Spirit, i.e. “Our True Reality”.

    Now let me explain its direct implication in our practical life, especially with our topic on “Cheating” as we are discussing.

    Let us ask,”Whom are we cheating”? It is said that you can cheat everybody except yourself. Now what is that we call “Yourself”. Deep down in our “Hearts” we know that I have cheated, a sense of guilt arises in our mind and that sets in our hearts, leaving a bad taste or a guilty conciousness. It will reflect on our face in our actions carrying a feeling in the back of our minds (Soul/Spirit) that I have done “wrong”. This is a “dichotomy” between “Truth” and “Non-Truth or False”.

    Hence we are cheating ourselves, nobody else. If this feeling of self assessment cum guilt develops, perhaps we will
    think twice before doing such acts. We need to develop the concepts regarding our life correctly.

    God bless. Think twice.

    Dr. O. P. Sudrania

    Reply
  41. sdrtsj

    Its true that men cheat. But the million dollar question is without the equal participation of females where is the scope for men to cheat? Only inference we can draw is that men and women cheat almost equally then why consider only men?

    Reply
  42. PHILLIP

    i think cheating being habitual,could be changed,naturally yes we get carried away by our own feelings,while deep inside we know we could hold back from such temptations,certain things drive us to such acts; but we need to be able to resist our feelings just as we could manage our own business.if we fail to maintain our status as in individuals then we can’t manage our family,that’s why the society has completely failed in running their families b’cos it all starts from self grooming.we need to set up our own rules,paste them on the wall,and speak them before we leave home.just to shape up.

    Reply
  43. GMan

    Oh, I’ve just voted in the poll but would love to see this with demographics – ‘Male Yes, I have, Femal – Yes I have’, etc.

    Then we could compare!

    Reply
  44. GMan

    As a man who’s been cheated on I would love to hear the reasons why women also cheat on men. The anecdotal eviddence I’ve heard suggests that you guys might not be hearing from women who have cheated – men have called because we can’t keep a secret and perhaps want to confess? Whereas the women who cheat do not call? (What do you guys think?)

    As women are much better at keeping secrets than men, we often are not aware that certainly younger women cheat as much if not more than men. This sometimes stops when they marry….but for how long?

    As my mother says “a leopard never changes it’s spots”. That applies to female cheaters as much as to male cheaters.

    And let’s be honest women have far more opportunities to cheat as men are always up for it. If a guy wants to cheat he often has to work at ‘seducing’ a women, whereas a women simply has to give in to a man’s advances.

    That’s my pennyworth 😉

    Reply
  45. Mickannie

    I see it all around me. I recently started a relationship with a man who came from a cheating marriage. She is still cheating on her current partner(s). One idea I have is that society has become so disposable. Everything in our life has become throw away. While it is has been a positive change that had enabled people to get out of unsafe and unhappy situations, we may be missing out on some evolving in our relationships and as individuals. As we all know, relationships are a powerful way to face all aspects of ourselves. I know that personally when I have had a break from a relationship and then begin a new relationship I am suddenly reminded of aspects of myself that only seem to surface in relationship. And if we dare to be real and authentic in life, perhaps we will not revisit those aspects over and over again. I lost a partner to cancer four years ago, and through that experience I have learnt to live life authentically. This can be very confronting to me and those I share my life with, but what have I got to lose. Being truthful about all my feelings can only mean, I face all of me in truth. No secrets, no surprises. And this has enabled me to grow and evolve as an individual and a partner.

    Reply
  46. anon

    You can have a key that opens many locks and it’s a master key. You can have a lock that is unlocked by many keys and it’s a crappy lock. Sorry ladies.

    Reply
  47. Robert C

    I read this and I think that its ok, I am learning things about realationships now. I would like to ask a question about what do you consider cheating to be. Is it cheating when you are just talking to people but never made any physical contact? Are is it cheating when you are actually having sex? I have this mixed up, If its cheating just to be caught talking to someone then what is it when you catch them doing everything else. I am just learning but here is the next question if you caught your man talking to another woman would you leave him, ( phone, text are face to face )

    Reply
  48. indigodanceIndigodance

    My friend is a habitual cheater, I despaire greatly at him but to no avail. Firstly he has a great sexual desire which never seems satisfied, but also all of the points above. He gets away with it.

    I really dont think this sudden purge of celebs bearing all is really helping – its still giving a message of “ok, I got caught”… but I am still going on with general lifestyle. BUT normal people cant cope with this sort of purging. Celebs have money and support, and can buy themselves out eventually – chummies altogether. Most of us cant.

    Reply
  49. Pingback: Men Who Cheat and Leave | California Psychics Blog

  50. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Tansy,
    Great article !!!! Very valid and good points…..

    Here are a couple of more reasons….most men have told me they cheat because they are bored with the same partner ……..and ” because they can”.

    Some EVEN feel it is their God-given right because they were born a male, as told to them ,and even encouraged them, when they were growing up by their Fathers or GrandFathers…..I’ve actually heard that reason quite a bit. I’ve heard many times…..well…” My Dad did…and HIS Dad did as well.”

    Nothing will change until the dual standards, ingrained in society change.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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