Why Are Men Drawn to Porn?

Often times, the presence of porn is to provide a substitute to sexual gratification that a man is not receiving from his partner. This is either due to medical problems, addiction, his own insecurities or shame about sex, or because he has certain fantasies he is too afraid to express to his partner. Instead of communicating these desires, he chooses to act them out in the form of porn and fantasy. In these cases, porn can actually distance the bridge between a couple who is already in trouble.

Pornography does not mean that a man has lost interest, is cheating, or is a pervert in need of therapy. When men fantasize about other women, it is not an emotional attachment, but rather an image to help him “get off.” Some men share this part of their lives with their partner in the form of playful videos, Internet images, or racy love quotes. Others, become closet admirers, fearing their partners reaction to these urges. It is these hidden desires that can be the most dangerous to a relationship.

If you do not think that your partner is not part of these statistics, and you have never discussed it, perhaps it is time you bring up the discussion of pornography. This is something that an intimate couple should know about each other, and here’s why.


If You Can’t Beat It, Join In

Porn can be both a healthy, shared portion of the “I love you” relationship, or a crutch for deep, underlying problems. While there is certainly a huge share of demeaning hardcore pornography, there is also a portion of soft porn, designed to be appreciated by both men and women. Many couples can find compromise to pornography by opening each other to a discussion about it, and creating ground rules for sharing in these types of fantasies.

In this scenario, porn is no longer a dirty secret for a man, but rather a way for him to communicate intimacy with his partner.

22 thoughts on “Why Are Men Drawn to Porn?

  1. Pingback: Sex Q&A: A Catalyst to Your Sexual Evolution | California Psychics Blog

  2. ella

    I have been married 11 years to a man who always preferred porn over the real thing. I guess in the beginning I liked the fact that I didn’t have to be ready for him at any given moment, the way it had been in my other relationships prior. Before my husband, I was in a serious relationship with a man who was addicted to sex and we did it multiple times every day, so I was ready for a break. Its like I hit my peak in my 20’s and I could truly go a year without sex! Now, so many years later, I feel we need to do it a lot more, that it will be better for both of us personally and our relationship. We have three kids now and I feel like I will never have a normal sexual relationship with him, because he’s 20 years into mb with porn/porn images. Its like its all he knows, the only way he can get off. Most of the time, he can’t finish when we do it, but I know he has no problem finishing when he mb. Its amazing he was able to come enough times to generate our three kids, lol. He’s secretive about it. I’ve made noise in the past that I’d watch with him, but its not happened. I have spied on the computer, his videos and magazines in the past to find out what he’s looking at. Thank god its women and not children or men! I just don’t think that after 20 years, I could get him to put down the porn and get it on with me.

    Reply
  3. Lost in lies

    Porn can be a way to break a relationship. He would rather use porn and MB than be with his partner it is a problem. The women in this are will be treated like we are ugly and worthless. You should be careful with the use of porn.

    Reply
  4. Amanda

    I agree! My husband is addicted to porn. porn rewires the brain and makes it so you cannot have an orgasm without the porn. it puts a huge hole in sex life with ur partner.

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  5. angie

    definitely! i have a lot of sexual energy and dont generally feel satisfied by men or penetration. plus theres the fear of pregnancy, and also the mess! lol

    Reply
  6. Louise

    I feel that the internet will ruin sexual/emotional relationships. It is far too easy to access other other people and play away.

    If we spread ourselves too thinly, our relationship with our partner will become weak.

    Women are getting used in another way now. Being a loving partner whilst her man plays away with his fantasies and uses up all his sexual energy masturbating.

    Reply
  7. lisa

    i echo your sentiment entirely.yes there are im one of them. i have satisfying sex, im not a perv or gay either still though sometimes you want to do your own thing your way for your pleasure, and sometimes that includes this female “taboo” . i hate double standards

    Reply
  8. Mira

    I totally understand where you are coming from. I had plenty of discussions with my husband about him sneaking to watch porn it almost feels like he’s cheating cause its not like we’re watching it together lol i mean i feel excluded from what he’s feeling its like another side he doesnt want to share with me. I asked him why he does it and tells me he likes the rush…so i just became more spontaneous when it comes to sex and i havent caught him watching porn online or watching playboy on demand lol so just try some new things in the bedroom or (in the backyard lol) to get more of his attention.

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  9. Janie

    i feel your pain. it is truly a hurtful situation. i don’t get it either. he says he loves me, yet “uses up” what energy he has on girls getting spankings on line or on phone sex. it feels a lot like being replaced and i don’t know anyone who wants to feel like that.
    our puritan ancestors may have been prudish, but at least without paper or electronic images to look at, they had no choice but to use up their intimate urges on their mate!!!!

    Reply
  10. Ryana Stark

    What about women who like porn? We are all assuming it’s only men who like porn and we will “accomodate” them in order to have a better sex life. I am a woman and I like porn – I think a woman’s body is beautiful, and that doesn’t necessarily mean I am gay! there must be other women out there too, who enjoy looking at porn, by themselves, FOR themselves!!

    Reply
  11. isosited

    My partner and I have been having some issues when it comes to porn. We have lived together for almost two years and have known eachother for 3. Our relationship began based on sex and we had more then, than we do now. Granted we have three kids and his job is draining him, from many of his potentials. I am reaching my peak according to statistics and am willing and ready. Everytime we have a chance he is not in the mood, but then I catch him on the porn the next day sometimes in the next hour. He will even sneak down to do it when I am sleeping, after we have had sex. His preference is more just naked young chics and I am only 28, and look like I am 18. I don’t get it. He is really hurting me…

    Reply
  12. janie

    My partner always wanted me before we moved in togerher. Afterwards, he told me he was addicted to porn and would I let him “spank” me with a wooden spoon until it I was purple and bruised and cried for real.
    I told him no, that sounded to me more like a BEATING than a spanking. (Spankings are fine with me BTW)
    I have an overly healthy labido; there was never any trouble with me being “ready”. When he couldn’t get me to agree to be a part of his beating fantasy, he uses up all his sexual energies on line with porn and he does it while I sleep.
    I havent been able to get him to be intimate with me but maybe once in 4 months and then he has “trouble” and doesn’t usually follow through. I’m only here until I have enough money to move out. I don’t understand why a picture on a screen brings more delight than a living, breathing woman in the flesh who is ready for action.

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  13. Robin

    I am a healthy sexual 51 year old woman who divorced mostly due to porn. My husband did not want to share his porn time with me, preferring instead to be secretive and shameful about it which of course killed my sexual interest in him, Also as he got older, the girls got way younger which was disturbing. I was terrified to find child porn on my computer. When I finally left him for a man with more normal sexual tastes, he got mad at me. Rather than look at his sexual issues, it is easier to think I left him for another man. Really I just could not take the ick factor he needed to “get off”. Now I am in a very sexual open relationship that I really enjoy. NOt only does my partner include me, we are free to be with others and talk about it. It works so much better. Fidelity and monogamy don’t always lead to intimacy in my opinion.

    Reply
  14. onyx

    i think my hubby is using it as an emotional crutch and painful that iknow it but am helpless to do anything about it he avoids confrontation his insecurities surface and seems absolutely withdrawn and sullen

    Reply
  15. Avalyn

    I believe that I am one of the most uninhibited, easy going, open minded partners a guy can ask for. I enjoy watching porn, love to try new things and have the sex drive of an 18 year old boy but, I have had a relationship with a person who was addicted to porn. He looked at it all the time…so much so that he rarely wanted to have sex! I broke up with him after he downloaded so much porn on my laptop that I got a virus, told me I wanted to have sex too often and that I was ruining our relationship and finally, I woke up at 3 A.M. to him jerking off and exchanging nude pics with random women online.I tried to make it work but, soon realized that he was useless to me sexually unless I was on screen.

    Reply
  16. nkanyezi

    i think its better for acouple tio watch porn together in oder for the other person to know his partners needs and fantacies,but the scary part is when your partner is watching when you get into the room he switch itoff i hate that.and it makes us women to feel abit insecure or he is seeing someone else.

    Reply
  17. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Abigail,
    I’m with you on this one….
    A little porn, now and then, is fun and enticing yes indeed…..
    …but,… too much can be a red flag for addiction….and can also red flag problems in the relationship itself.
    I’ve read for many women this year that have told me that their partner, boyfriend, husband, or what have you, have become addicted to porn and have graduated from soft porn to very
    ” unhealthy ” pornographic material in an effort to satisfy their thrill seeking addiction….
    Moderation is definitely the key here…..
    Just an idea that has worked for many couples that I know ….. some women might want to try creating their own porn movies with their partner in which THEY are the key player and object of desire.
    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  18. Abigail Ext 9570

    Although this can be useful tool for teaching sexual techniques, a little fuel on the fire as long as it is taken as a once in a while activity (like a treat) and they watch it together or he does it alone from time to time. In my own opinion and personal practice (Hypnotherapy) it has been a major source of heart ache and addiction. A man who gets addicted to porn losses himself in fantacy and in doing so deprives not only his partner but himself of all the other senses of the sexual act and the passion two people create together. This is a very hard addiction (no pun intended) to get rid of. As a therapist I know its in the league of gambling,drugs, cigarettes and food. The old saying still holds true to much of anything is not good for you. Moderation and comfort level of health is always a good indicator of happiness. Sometimes its good to step on the wild side yet doing it on a regular basis may lead to out of control unhealthy results. We are human we want to take chances or do something a little taboo now and then. Its ok we can just don’t hurt anyone yourself included.
    Many Blessings
    ~Abigail~

    Reply
  19. Psychic Jacqueline x9472

    Jacqueline x9472 said….
    Well written article, But truth be told there are woman who can benefit from the sultriness of soft porn as well as men, when watched and viewed together can be a relationship builder, something fun, exciting, it doesn’t have to be something that is a hinder or a conflict between a relationship, have fun with it! It can be a great tool to build and strengthen your relationship, especially when viewed as a couple, cant beat-em join em!
    Blessings, Hugs and Hearts!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  20. Psychic Giovanna x5214

    Great article on an often “hot topic” in relationships. I look forward to hearing more on this topic in the future, as its often one that receives much negative attention on the relationship front.
    In addition, I fully agree in the way in which you propose discussing the issue openly for compromise. In many situations partners are at complete odds on this topic, which serves only to create mistrust and emotional distance.
    I would also love to hear your perspective on the “visual” aspects of arousal and intimacy that are important to many males in a later installment.
    Thanks for broaching this taboo topic with the flavor of compromise!

    Reply

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