The Allure of a Married Man

I receive several calls a week from women who are in love with – and having an affair with – a married man. Their query is usually about when he is going to leave his wife so that they can be together. Sometimes, the couple has been “dating” for several years, sometimes for only a few months.

I believe that we must base life-altering decisions not only on intuition, but on the facts. Take his family situation: Are there young children at home? Is a divorce going to cost him a ton of bucks? Is he promising to “file”? (One doesn’t usually promise to file – one just does it after much deliberation and counseling. The “promise to file” should not be taken seriously until the deed is done.) Are his children under 18? Has he been married to the same woman for many years, and are they in their senior years? All of these are questions  need to be probed, and are indicators that a divorce will not be forthcoming.

Love is not just “a feeling,” although that “feeling/connection” is an important aspect of a long-term relationship. Love is a bonding, a sharing of two lives, the building of a life together. It’s sharing in the every-dayness of life, going shopping together, eating at your favorite restaurants, taking trips to exciting and romantic places, saving for retirement. A relationship is a safe haven for two people where one can spill the beans and tell on themselves about their fears, past mistakes, hopes and dreams … and all of that wonderful stuff. A committed relationship can be the most inspiring and stimulating aspect of life. I believe that we are always trying to heal our relationships with ourselves, and a committed relationship with another can support that lifetime of healing, helping us to become acquainted with aspects of our divine nature that have been hitherto hidden. Ah, the glories of love!

Beginnings are wonderful – they are exciting and stimulating and oftentimes catapult us into a state of ecstasy. Just the thought of the other person opens our hearts as the inner music of life begins. That “feeling” often convinces us that we are in love, and, once experienced, will send many of us on a lifetime search for “the one.” The beginning usually lasts about three months, but for those who are having an affair with a married man, it usually lasts throughout the length of the relationship, because we never get to first base – we are stuck at home plate, waiting for that home run of marriage. We don’t evolve and grow as a couple, except in the context of the hidden drama of the affair. Most times, marriage doesn’t happen. Really! It just doesn’t happen. But hope springs eternal in the human heart – it is the dream that is the hook. That “feeling” is actually biochemistry or oxytocin, a powerful hormone that feels wonderful, whose effects masquerade as love … the feeling that you have found “the one,” “the connection,” your “soulmate.”

So, for those who are enchanted and dancing in the ecstasy of “the connection,” I say: Accept the possibility that this is as good as it gets, because he is not going to leave his wife. And if he is going to leave her, you need to call a moratorium on the relationship until he does. Otherwise, you’re living in a dream that may or may not come true.

We all know the power of “that feeling,” “the connection.” It’s intoxicating. So I advise women to not give away their power to a promise that may or may not be fulfilled.

29 thoughts on “The Allure of a Married Man

  1. Regina

    you are a fool, I completely dsirgaee with Rob, and I think you need to feel the sting of it. This one you can’t live down, you are not just married, you’re married and with a very much alive and not figment of your imagination child!You need to step out of the selfish, self-pleasing place you’re at and re-evaluate you and the image you present! because now you’re a role model for your child by default! since you absolutely are now a parent!, goes with the territory. You are now not the most important person in the world, your child is. Your happiness and your selfishness needs to take back-burner and you need to re-think things to make long-term goals and not momentary satisfactions. sober up and get that serious-state feeling, that’s where you need to be at.you are setting examples, don’t ever forget that you are setting examples. If you don’t see it, your peers, family, friends all see it and your child will hear about it when she grows up because bottled up resentment finds a way out, you need to deal with things now. because somewhere along the line they will tell her (and it will hurt her) how her father really was and what pain it caused everyone and pit her against you, happens. bitter truth. choose steps wisely.and know that you are now very much not in a position of power. your wife and families are. if you leave for the other woman, you have really sunk low. I don’t believe it, how old are you? you weren’t ready for any of it. you’re still playing the bachelor’s game.you seriously need to stop thinking about you and start thinking about how your actions will affect future actions and things. each step you make now is important for both your future and your child’s future. you should be ready when you bring a child into the world, you were not ready. honestly not ready.you’re leaving a woman when she’s pregnant? you’re leaving her right after she gave birth? shame on you! how can you? and you made vows, married, you didn’t just get a girl pregnant by mistake, or did you? wake up!give credit to your wife for being the strong woman she is, your wife gets a say in this, a very large part, as do your families on both sides, but ultimately it’s between the two of you- not your neighbors, not the other womanthere is absolutely nothing that justifies this. you should not have made vows! your first obligation is your wife and child. if you broach divorce- you broach divorce together, no cheating when you’re still married! it absolutely doesn’t work that way. get you’re life in order then work out you and your needs, right now you are in a partnership for better or worse and you need to find where things stand (not immediately too, there’s going to be some shock and recovery needed, don’t be the selfish one during this, I hope you have better quality of character) its not about you, it’s about all three of you. everyone’s watching you, no question, don’t do anything stupid.rob, me, other people that write are just normal people that read the posts, this one you need to find a counselor for. this isn’t just someone crushing on someone and he or she noticed or didn’t notice, you don’t have to listen to us, you need to talk with your wife, offer counseling, honestly consider divorce or stay in marriage, but please don’t continue cheating until you talk and see how things stand with your wife and decide on what things are, you made that promise.

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  2. canon eos 600d kit

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  3. derek James zary

    Jesus loved everyone as well as me and we never broke up any homes.
    I am still waiting my my special wife to be…

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  4. derek James zary

    Love – we love. The problem is when things intercede with love, and thus may throw it as a loop.
    The problem with society can all be fixed if people will listen to me, but they want because I know that the love of money is the root of all evil.
    As for couple’s , many probally do not realize just how money affects their lives , but it does , even time .
    I suggest to couples with carreers and what not, that you create your own romance – your own special moments that that will be remebered and build up your twain temple. Forget all the junk of modern life (as needed) and take a break from the world, where you can be goofy,even childlike or first flirting love behavior. Be n ot skeptical of eachother and just let yourselves be yourselves. Marrige is not a competition or a buisness , sure you can organize your life , but do not dwell on it. Allow for variation and be humans. Dont try to out do eachother and dont be a busybody(bible)…
    When you get in a crisis – ask youself for a solution and pick the good one – not the bad one…
    I have felt&seen love glances from other mens wives – but we are sopposed to love eachother, it is the control and trust one has that one will stay committed to whomever one committed to…

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  9. Donna

    LOVING: IT IS STILL CHEATING…NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO COLOR IT OR MAKE IT LOOK BETTER IT IS STILL CHEATING.

    Love comes from within, and when you shower the ones in your life and home with love I guarantee you will get it back. What you put out into the universe comes back to you. You can find passion again, but it comes from within no outside force can fill it and if it does it will only be temporary.

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  10. Donna

    Derek,

    Glad to see you are at home. I hope your wife appreciates you and treats you with the respect and love you deserve.

    Believe me it is a very painful thing to go through, it consumes you in a way that blows your own mind.

    Nice to know there is at least one out there who would choose to be faithful. You have given me some re-newed hope.

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  11. LOVING

    SOMETIMES IT’S ONLY PHYSICAL, BOTH PEOPLE ARE MARRIED BUT NOT GETTING THE PASSION THEY DESIRE FROM THIER SPOUSES SO THEY AGREE BEFORE ANYTHING EVEN STARTS THAT IT IS ONLY PHYSICAL NOTHING MORE, SO YOU HOLD NOTHING BACK, AND ARE WAITING FOR NOTHING, THIS MAKES FOR SOME AMAZINGLY EXPLOSIVE EXCITING PHYSICAL SATISFACTION, AND THEN YOU GO BACK TO YOUR SPOUSES, FOR THE DAY TO DAY PART OF LIFE!! IT’S TOO BAD THE SPOUSES ARE MISSING THIS PART OF YOU, BUT IT HAPPENS VERY OFTEN, FOR WHATEVER REASON, MEDICALLY, PHYSICALLY, DIFFERENT REASONS!!! ALL OF US AS HUMANS HAVE NEEDS MEN AND WOMEN!!!

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  12. Donna

    Tanya, you can pitch that worthless so and so to the curb. YOU DESERVE BETTER! GIVE YOURSELF THE LIFE YOU DESERVE AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. FIND THE BEST ATTORNEY IN TOWN AND GO FOR IT HONEY IT IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.

    He just thinks he can have everything and you get nothing. To hell with him. What kind of a worthless garbage woman gets involved with a man who has children at home to benefit her happiness. Trailer Trash. Both are placing their self centered behavior over your’s and your childrens behavior. Take him for everything and I mean everything, he deserves it and then some. Talk to some of your friends who went through a divorce and find out who is good in your area. Or better yet, Ask God and Michael to direct you to who you need to have help you. I guarantee they will be on your side. God does not like this behavior. I am right there right now.
    Good luck and I am praying for you Tanya. You deserve better.

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  13. jaylen

    Tanya, I know how scary it is to be alone, but in realty you already are. Do you wan to know how to get him to realize your true worth? Don’t allow him back in the house. Why should you take care of the kids, house, chores and whatever else you do for him while his whore benefits in all the glory of your efforts? Don’t let back in, tell him to live with his whore and have his whore do all the things you currently do for him now. See how quickly that relationship will change. I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve been there, trust me. Make him pay for everything, make him do things on his own. Don’t be around when he see’s the kids. Don’t ever make yourself available to him. Don’t ever see him. He’ll come running back as soon as he’s on his own. He’ll realize everything you are to him. When you do have to talk to him always keep yourself in check. Don’t be angry or sheepish. Act indifferent. It bugs men when you act as if he doesn’t matter. When he comes running back, make him beg for your forgiveness.

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  14. rosenen09pamela09

    Such a wonderful topic!… straight to the point.It really takes a moral discipline keep up (stay away from married persons.) especially this day and age.It is easy to “fall in love” ,one thing hard is :how to keep the mind in control with the heart. Be it in the side of the husband,wife or the third party. I hope a person can find happiness without stepping on somebody’s foot.

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  15. Tanya

    My husband started an affair with his secretary two years ago but I did not find out about it until eight months after it started. I was devastated and wanted to die. I thought he was the one. We have two children together and I thought that even if I wasn’t enough the children would be. I begged and pleaded for him to leave her and at first he told he would, he even lied about it for a while but then I found out they were still together. I begged and pleaded again but that time he told me that he wasn’t leaving her that he loved her and I needed to just accept that she would always be a part of his life. He said he didnt’ want to divorce me but take care of me and the kids. I cant’ bring myself to leave and he won’t leave. They travel together all the time and I am home with the kids, taking care of everything. Everyone around us knows about them so what do they think of me? I feel like a fool for not kicking him out but I can’t stand the thought of being by myself. We don’t argue anymore and other than her being in his life he is good to me although we never have sex anymore. (I’m sure because he’s having sex with her.) I don’t know what to do. Should I keep living this way?

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  16. Donna

    to Rinu leave the boyfriend he does not respect you or his wife.

    Go work on yourself and learn what you want from your life. Don’t get your happiness at the rate of hurting someone else. It is not worth the pain you will cause.

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  17. jaylen

    Rinu, No married man admits at first that he’s married. Break it off. You claim to love him but how much could he possibly love you? If you have never been married, you would not understand the responsibility involved with marriage and all you are doing is helping to destroy a family. We all want to feel as if we’re the one that can make a difference in a man’s life, that we’re the chosen ones, the soul mate, the true love, but guess what, you’re not. He’s already cheating and disrespecting you with the one that matters, his wife. You are absolutely NOTHING to him but a distraction and a play thing. Let him go, he’s not worth it. I think men that have affairs are weak men that are afraid to be alone. He’s using you.

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  18. rinu

    hi.
    wat i say i m suffering by this condition only my boyfrd is married recently & i dont understand Wat to do he loves me very much & i also ?plzzzzzzzzzzzz somebody help me aur show me true path ……………

    Reply
  19. jaylen

    As the article stated, the euphoria feeling goes away once the couple has the everyday mundane duties and responsibilities of “LIFE”. A romance always starts off grand. The sad thing is that in an affair it’s an unfair balance because the cheater has that home base with the wife taking care of the kids, the housecleaning, the errands, and most times work to help out with the financial burdens. The mistress gets the best part of the cheater. All the fun and no responsibility. I think having an affair is more hard work than it’s worth. My husband had one and of course I had no idea at the time however I noticed the strain and stress he was under. It’s hard juggling 2 women at a time. Looking back I “almost” feel sorry for him. It’s been 2 years now since he broke off with his mistress and the one thing I can say is that before all this happened, I felt so confined and duty bound to be the best wife and mother and housekeeper, secretary, driver, etc. that I could possibly be. I had no time for myself and always felt so obligated. How did this knowledge of his affair help me? I was freed! Still with him, but I know he will carry the guilt and does not ask perfection from me anymore. I can now say the hardest word I could never say and that’s “NO”. Best part is he has to accept it.

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  20. Darcie D

    In a book called, “When Lovers Are Friends,” the author says men rarely leave their wives for their mistresses. The purpose of having an affair is to take stress off the spouse. I thought it an interesting take on why married people have affairs. And I’ve known many people who’ve had affairs and their lovers are still married or if not, they’ve found someone else to marry . . .

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  21. Donna

    as a woman who has survived a cheating whore spouse with a home wreaking whore. I am glad to be free of them…you can believe that the Angelina and Brad thing is a few and far between. Their entire life began on a big fat lie….no exceptions. To think otherwise is to have a derranged idea of the truth. The truth is any woman who does this cannot have any kind of self respect. If she did she would find someone who was avaible and not force her selfish behavior on others who are doing mostly likely what they are suppose to. The woman who did this to my family, has a face like a horse…not joking…she is ugly to the core and I am not speaking of the exterior dressing. I am speaking of her heart…it is black…I find her a reprehesible person, someone I will always treat with no respect…she has harmed my little girl who is only 6. Then has the audacity to tell me how much she loves my daughter…she loves no one, just as the cheating bas…red she has now. By the way, he will not get someone back a wonderful as me. I know how great I am. She will never compare and he is already regretting his poor decision, based on selfishness. The pain that has come out of this mess because of 2 self center, selfish, hateful, nasty, disgusting people is beyond words. They deserve each other, hopefully they will keep it among themselves but they won’t. I know I have forseen how this mess ends, and the ending is very bad, and I am not talking about the current ending with me.

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  22. Whirling Dervish

    I believe this article though it’s common sense. Is well written accurate and should be pasted on your bedroom mirror. We lose ourselves in the fairy tale of love. I hope that everyone gets the prince or princess charming ending but reality always paints a harsh color at one point in time.In other words BE AWARE!!!!!

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  23. misskrystalmisskrystal

    I feel this article is excellent and does address a certain percentage of married people in triangle situations.
    For the truth to be known, however, there are many Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt situations out there that do exist. As painful as it can be. I use them as an example because we watched it all before our very own eyes. Plain and simple, they are not the only ones….. Actually, there are many men and women who do leave their married partners for someone else. I have seen it for years. By contrast, I have also seen people try to come back to their ex husband and ex wives. It really does run the gamut. I am just reporting to you, in almost 20 years of service, what I have observed. Please keep that in mind….
    As far as the “angle” in which this article has been written, it is excellent and intensely persuasive.
    It would be great points for departure in order to begin a debate on this issue.
    Blessings,
    Miss Krystal

    Reply
  24. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi,
    Yes, excellent article , it makes sense….and I agree with the probing and asking one’s self questions grounded in reality……

    But, sometimes the financial aspect matters…..sometimes it doesn’t…..numbers tell the truth….the divorce rate is over 50% in this country…..

    Fact is that somebody out there is getting divorced and their financial picture is not stopping them from doing so.

    I’ve read for 44 years and I’ve seen many, many men leave a marriage for another woman ( and most of them were doctors, lawyers, etc with high incomes )…..every case is different…..the reasons vary.

    It all depends on the individual in question, the circumstances and the Karma or Karmic connection involved.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  25. maryannex9146Maryanne

    Marcea,

    What a marvelous, on point article. I do also believe that we are always trying to heal ourselves and the confidence the commitment of another person gives us helps alot. They still love us when we are really ill with the flu and don’t look cute at all-they will? they will!

    Often, I feel that one of the lures of a married man or woman is that the person who is committed elsewhere by family, longevity, financial reasons, will behave and treat the person they are having an affair with so much better than a single suitor would because they know they have to treat someone very, very well to get their attention as they do not have the capability of offering a full relationship.

    You are right on point discussing the financial aspect of breaking up a marriage. A number of callers have pointed out to me that the financial aspect “shouldn’t matter” if one is “in love”. Well, it’s my experience after 40 years of being privileged to do this work that the financial aspect most definitely does matter and matters a great deal.

    Thanks again for a wonderful article.

    Sincerely,

    Maryanne
    Ext. 9146

    Reply
  26. Carmen Hexe

    Marcea, this was an exellent article. I love the fact that you pointed out the obvious “I believe that we must base life-altering decisions not only on intuition, but on the facts.”

    My aunt, who was married as well at the time, started an affair with a married man. She and her husband had met another couple while vacationing and she ended up leaving her husband for him, while the guy left his wife for her. Fast forward ten years. She recently found out that he had an ongoing affair (for months) with their neighbor.

    While I do know people who are miserable in their marriages and cannot leave for different reasons, I am still realistic enough to understand that what he did to his wife, he may one day do to me. Plus, as judgmental as it sounds, I wouldn’t want to build my “happiness” on the broken pieces of another woman’s life or relationship.

    Reply

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