Stop Worrying. Love Yourself

Ending a relationship, no matter which role you are filling, is hard to do. Through a break up, you find yourself asking a myriad of questions – was it my fault? Am I not worthy of love? Do I have a pattern? What the hell went wrong?

It was 1:34am on a Wednesday when the man I had been dating for over a year, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the absolute-sure, no-doubt love of my life shattered my soul. The walls closed in and a very real, very physical pain shot through my body, battling through me until finally finding a comfortable spot in the gaping hole that previously housed my heart.

I had never been in love before, and to make matters worse, while I had dated, I had never been dumped. The emotional co-dependency that had developed was the cherry on top of my relationship-mistake sundae.

I, like so many before me, truly believed that against all odds and statistics, that little ol’ me, would be the one person to conquer and be loved the way that I wanted to be loved.

A slew of friends, family, and trained therapists called, came over, talked to me, supportively holding my hand and hugging me close. None of it helped. The advice you hear is rather disheartening: throw yourself out there and start dating immediately, curl up in a ball and don’t come out for a month, fight back and get even, wait it out and he’ll come back, and so on.

At the two week marker, I wanted to go bury myself alive. I cried and drank myself to sleep every night. I stopped eating. I stopped living and just started existing. I sincerely believed that I was never going to feel better, that the pain would dull with time, but it would never be better.

But then a friend of a friend, someone who I had never met before, a complete stranger to me, spoke the two words that finally gave me my breakthrough: Life Happens. So simple and yet so unbelievably profound.

He followed up with: Stop judging yourself. You are human and you have to forgive yourself. If you two are meant to be, if you really love him as much as you say you do, then you’ll be together. If not, then you won’t. Life is only as complicated as you allow it.

My breakthrough was the realization that I had to stop worrying. This world, especially the people who populate it, are not in my control.

I had to accept my humanity, my ability to make mistakes, and love myself again. Not for him, but for me. I had broken my cardinal rule of becoming dependent on him for validation, for the feeling of love, he was my “other half.” But when you really think about it, if you are your own self-aware individual with no crisis in identity and no need for validation – two wholes are better than one.

38 thoughts on “Stop Worrying. Love Yourself

  1. Pingback: Love Your Body | California Psychics Blog

  2. Irish girl

    That was a beautiful comment by Sam, I have a love interest and can’t wait to lay my head on his chest. I was in a very unhappy marriage and thank goodness for this website, because reading articles daily has helped me get through the very tough times. Especially the ones that said if you’re in a stagnant relationship and there’s no hope, get out, because the universe won’t know you’re opening yourself up for something better if you don’t. I’ve also repeated the phrase “Everything will be okay” so many times that I can’t count them all, and guess what, everything is starting to be okay. There are still some very good people out there in this world.

    Reply
  3. Trust Me

    Because you allowed it to happen. if we allow it,they will use it to their advantage. I was married for 25 years. Was devastated through divorce process. Took 2 yrs to AFTER divorce to get over him.The bottom line – 25 yrs of loyalty love and what I THOUGHT…was MY BEST friend.. turned into 25 yrs of an abusive relationship. IT IS ABUSIVE to take advantage of another’s love!NO ONE needs to allow this into their life! Be strong!

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  4. Amanda

    Awww how horrible I’m sorry to hear that I just recently got cheated on after being ingaged for a month n together for five years. He wants me back but I don’t kno how I could take him back. I just wish I cud hate him n not hurt so damn much it really sucks. when will I get over him?

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  5. Sam

    When you find someone worth loving and they love you the feeling can’t be explained. To lay beside a beautiful person in bed and they lay their head on your chest and you can communicate you have more than most people. If you don’t miss the person when you are apart you don’t love them. If you don’t think of them you should part company. it won’t last.
    When it’s right you’ll know it. You’ll miss them and you’ll want to be with them and you will always take their side, because they will take your side.

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  6. George

    People should not be alone. You should always find someone that can be your lover and friend. If they aren’t your best friend it won’t work. I married someone with a play place between her legs. She didn’t know what was going on in the world and didn’t want to know.

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  7. kness

    i know how you feel i was with a man for 11 years and we broke up and 2 weeks later he had a girlfriend and come to find out it was the same one he was caught with before so he never gave her up so i feel so used and hurt because i opened my heart up and got hurt again he was cheating and i gave him another chance look what happened and now he lives around the corner and throwing it my face

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  8. boitumelo

    You did the right thing carlag.I’ve known this guy through my friend.Went to the parties together a couple of times along with my friend.We liked each other and funny enough we both had partners.He told me that he was ending things with the galfriend.I dumped my boyfried for him(i dont feel bad because he was such an ass**).We started our relationship and i got so attached to this guy.He was my everything and we even talked bout marriage.One night out of the blues he told me that his ex was asking for forgiveness n cant cope without him so he is back with the ex galfriend.I was more than hurt, i couldnt stop crying.I lost the meaning of life.I totally shut down.When he called, i pretended i was ok.I always told him that i would lose pride for love rather than lose love bcoz of pride but i would not beg someone to love me.I loved that guy.I got my act together, went for counselling.Now i’m engaged to this wonderful guy.I met that ex last week and he thought we can get togeta again but hell NO…

    We meet different people, you love them and they hurt you.Never settle for less dear.You did the right thing

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  9. Barbetta Bays

    I was in love with a married man. We met in 1999. And we ended our relationship shortly afterwards. I never completely got over him. He moved on the same street with me. He has two children and his wife had one before their marriage. He told me that he was unhappy and that he was going to leave his wife. I believed him because for once I never stop loving him. And because I thought we had a serious connection. He used me to get his wife to notice him and he wanted to make his marriage stronger. His wife called my phone and said whatever she wanted to me and I just took it. But a week before christmas when I decided that I could not take any more and said something back to her, he dismissed me. I was there for him. He has been without a job for two years. I tried to give him support. He have said alot hurtful things to me and I would take him back. But now he want speak to me and when he see me he will try to detour. That thursday before christmas he held me in his arms with his eyes closed for about an hour, telling me how he loved me. Then that friday he text me and told me to let go, move on and focus on my daughter and me. We both live on the same street(dennis)in the same town(winona)in the same state(mississippi). I ask the question how could he use me because he knew I loved him with all my heart.

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  10. Miriam

    I too have just broken off my engagement to who I thought was my soulmate. We dated for just over 2 and 1/2 years and whe I broke off the engagement, had been engaged for about 8 months. It had been a really long time since I had fallen in love and I felt really sad. He is 54 yrs. old, never married, no kids. I should have seen the signs a long time ago. I broke it off because he ridiculed me for being on Facebook, but then went behind my back to open an account when an ex-girlfriend invited him and then blocked me so I wouldn’t know. Some people said I over reacted but I saw it as the confirmation of my suspicions over a long time that he really was not committed to making it work! There were a lot of signs a long the way that lead me to believe this. Although he said he loved me, his body language and actions lead me to believe it was a very convenient and good love for him; for me, it was work. He took more than he gave. I just severed ties with him and suffer in silence. To all those who are heartbroken, there is life after a break-up. The sun will shine upon you again, and you will love again. I just read that people, even soulmates, come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. How true. I realized he came into my life for a reason. Be well everyone! I am still heartbroken, but very strong and able to carry on my life w/o him. I will be great! Miriam

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  11. nkanyezi

    i was in a very dissatisfying retionship but the fact that veryone has someone and i dont it made to stay in that particulr reltionship until one day i realized that i am not worth it and to me it felt like i was lost in myself and love and appreciate myself so i had to let it go.believe it or not it was difficult and painfull its apart was taken away from me after that though i took my time to find myself again and the best results i could ever ask for is i love myself even more now and believe in myself

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  12. Sorah Suhng

    C,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I can tell you confidently, that my life is most definitely better. I’m genuinely happy. Be strong through the pain. I wish you health and happiness. <3

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  13. C

    Dear Sorah,
    I am tremendous pain from the end of an emotional affair. Yesterday was the first day I have not seen or spoken to him at work since i met him almost 3 years ago. I am feeling so sad and despondent right now but when I read your article above, I actually thought for the first time that it might be ok. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing what you went through thereby helping other people like me. I hope your life is happy these days.

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  14. Q

    hi michael..I am sorry you felt hurt, used, manipulated, and broken hearted. you are a good person and you just need to love yourself. IT’s ok that you love this girl so much but dont let your emotions so attached that you feel you are not a whole loved, desirable man without her. YOu can sit at home and feel sorry for yourself for what this girl has done to you or you can just take a stand and say you have no regrets for going through this whole painful experience so that you can grow to be even a better and stronger person.
    My lover just broke up with me too. We were so in love and wanted to be forever together. Then he broke up with me. I went through a month of the grieving and healing process. Have you ever heard of Elizabeth KublerRoss. She wrote about the 5 stages of grieving which includes denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. I am thankful for having experienced those emotions first hand and now truly know what it’s like rather than just read about it. Our relationship is very complicated and I cannot explain it all here. But the point I am trying to make is that we have been through so much together that I felt he is truly my soulmate who came into my life to teach me love and the whole rhelm of emotions that associated with love. Many are beautiful but many are painful. Maybe he is gone for good or maybe he will come back. In anycase, I choose not to feel sorry for myself. I do love him unconditionally, but he is not in charge of my emotions. I choose be thankful for those beautiful memories and the painful emotions that we have shared. I choose to believe that everything happens for a good reasons. I feel like I am a much better, stronger person as a whole. So you can take charge of your emotions and choose not to feel hurt, used and manipulated.

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  15. kathy

    find someone that does somthing called sculpting
    i didnt an intense womens program with inner child work it really helped

    Reply
  16. mamichula_176

    this is very nice, i feel like im not the only one with love problems… i really feel connected with all u guys.. i think that we must all love our self first.. it is not the fisrt time i end up hurt or confused.. i an in a dilema of r we or r we not. my relationship has been going thru very emotional state! and so we broke up and i was depressed for like 6 days.. i didnt eat, didnt sleep , i lost like 5 pounds.. i could stop crying at night and he still never called me back.. something hit me and told me to call him cuz it was my fault.. so i called.. he said so many ugly cruel stuff to me on how he doesnt miss me, he feels so good with out me and dont want me back.. he wants me to change!! but its been like almost 3 weeks now.. and ive changed for me.. and i wanna stay like this.. we have 3 years 2gether.. sometimes i feel like he wants to change me in ways that i dont like… he also tells me that if i had trust and believe in him.. like give him space and not be on him like glue and always calling and asking him questions.. blahblah blah… but guess what guys.. like i said i learned sooooooooo much from that pain, that pain that made me almost feel like not living.. that ive changed … to a much mature person to that i love my self person to the i dont have to talk to u if u dont want to with out feeling bad no more… its been 3 years and now is that he tells me that he wants me back.. because he notice that i am really changing.. but guess what i said i dont want to get back with u.. because i need to change but change for my self.. i need to see if this is what i really want… he just asked me questions and questions!! that when i knew from that moment that im growing. i feel sooo good but sometimes i miss him so much.. is like if we were not together like if we are just there to be there and we know this… what is wrong. what is goin on with me or our love? what is it that god wants me to see.. is it that i need to move on and know that he wil not be there for me in the good or bad.. is it time for me to mature and let him go, be free.. to make me under stand that real love is not bad.. doesnt hurt and it makes u the best person inside.. that real love is when u can send free that other with no ugly thoughts of anger just letting them be them self..thats what i want.. i want all that and i dont know if im getting it after 3 years.. maibe ive giving all of me and im done with doing it.. can some one help me please… one thing is for sure.. 3 years breaking up and always was me making up and looking for him… he always acted like he didnt give 2 f…. of what happend to me… ive giving my all.. and i love him but i cant do this no more… please help me some one.. tell me

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  17. Shannon berg

    Dear Micheal, Reading what you have wrote is some what i am going though right at the present time. The tears are in my eyes right now and the pain just doesn’t go away. I have just been trying to tell myself that i will be ok and that it wasn’t meant to be, and pray to god that i may be able to love once again, but what is inside of me its so deep wounds that i am afraid i may not let my self give my heart to any one. I do say we have a new journey on life and we have to stand up and try to get thought this as we hold our heads up high and move on with our daily life’s. Take care, my thoughts are with you. Shannon

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  18. sabby

    Hi
    I did teh same ,ended ,its just a waste of time
    Heyyyy
    this is a wake call to us !!!!!! wake up . life is so beautiful ,enjoyed it.
    We can live without man
    cheers
    Sabby

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  19. sabby

    Micheal ,
    Youe story is just exactly like my story .
    But ,why we should be thinking of some one who ,lied ,betrays us badly .
    I get up and show to him as i never wanted to talk to him anymore .he felt regret but that it ,enough is enough
    I have waste my 14 years with him and has gone thru pain and tears ,joyanf laughter.
    Ended he left me for no reason .
    But iam happy as now i love my self more than everthing.
    cheers

    Reply
  20. sabby

    I did the same when my man betrays me cruely . Not to talk to him at all as he ask me ,can we be a good friends after 14 years together ? Sad
    But I cant do that as we had one saon and he need to talk to his dad ,provided he saw his dad 1 year once.
    My son is a innocent victim to this cruel man that i have ever met in earth.
    To the woman who be with my man now ,yiou are the most bad woman in the world ,i have never believed such mother like you stopping a dad of seing his own child. I will not foegive you for what you have done as I believed what goes around will come around. Shall wait for the day to come .

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  21. sabby

    yes you are right ,i was so depressed and even can do anything when my hubby left me for his wife . But as you as I must love me self and ready for a man that God will sent soon,
    Many thanks
    cheers

    Reply
  22. kerry

    man do you have my boyfriend….
    sorry to heare it but Iam trying to let each day go by with little or no contact with him and if it turns out that he does it will be on my terms. Like me for me if not see youlater.– Good luck

    Reply
  23. njoydan

    I am trying to get my life back as I so often say, but then I was reminded that I have my life and it is what I make it, so as from now on I do what’s best for me because no man is worth me dying for.I love me and if I am ever going to love again, I have to take care of me first.I celebrate life every day and prepare myself for the next man that God will send . I have forgiven and I have moved on.I am free.njoi.

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  24. carlag28

    i was dating a guy for a while, one day he woke up and said that he wanted me as a friend, as a sister….I didn’t know what to say, a sister??? and i was so in love with him that I could stop seeing him and we became best friends, we used to talk and see each other almost everyday, and he wasnt seeing anybody else… this month he has been “busy” and now he calls once a week and never has time to meet. I asked if he was dating and he said yes, but nothing seriously…Now I feel guilty for accepting this freindship status instead of letting go many months ago….i dont know if i did the right thing but I asked him not to call me again, I ended any kind of comunication with him.

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  25. Michael

    I am writing because I totally relate to this story. Love is an amazng gift, yet it can break your heart. I carried on a long distance relationship for quite some time. However, the woman that I loved, was the one, and was everything I ever wanted, ended up moving back home to Virginia. We had plans to marry and she told me that she would love me forever, among other things. Looking back I think she was just telling me what I wanted to hear, while I gave her all of me. Subsequently things rapidly changed. She went from being alone to living with her parents, surrounded by family and friends, and I was pushed out of her life in slow sucession. She broke my heart. Then she met someone and that didn’t work out and she came back. We lasted another few months, and we have not been together in over a year now. We tried to be friends, and she ended up pushing me further out of her life. I retaliated and got pretty nasty with her as I was jealous, hurt and emotionally destroyed and she did the same. As I continued to try and win her back, I did things for her that were never reciprocated or appreciated. I again got hurt and upset and she blamed me. Now I find out that she has been lying to me for the past 8 months and has been in a relationship with someone, and all the while I was helping her with school, sending gifts and money to help her out because she asked, and trying to win her affection. I just wish she had been honest and upfront and told me that she was seeing someone instead of allowing me to continue to put my heart out to her and tell her how much I loved and missed her. She was also giving me hope that there was still a chance for us. Now I feel used, lied to , manipulated, and emotionally destroyed. I try to pray it away, let go and surrender to God’s will, but the pain remains. I really loved this woman and I just don’t understand how or why it all ended the way it did. I know God has a plan, but I thought and she agreed that we were meant to be together. It felt so right. I’m trying to forgive her and forgive myself, but it’s not easy. I thought she was the one and I trully felt the search was over when I found her. I no longer found myself thinking if there was something better out there for me. The search was over. I continue to work on me and keep my side of the street clean, but It just doesn’t seem like i will ever be able to love again or love another. I feel like I will love her forever. I love her no less than I did 3 years ago. She still haunts my dreams and my waking days and nights and it seems like she does not care at all about me. Yet, I’m a good person, have a good career, and have so much to offer and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. There is so much more to the story, but I’ve said enough and wanted to share. Thanks. And thanks for the story and the insight. I just feel so left behind and am so heartbroken.

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  26. Belle

    The guy I was recently seeing had broke up with me. He came back in my life for the second time the first time he went back with his wife for the kids. The second time I thought it was go workout, but it didn’t everything I did was not right for him, the things I said I had to watch what I said because he would blow up, he told me i wasn’t trustworthy, impatient, have an attitude, and crazy because i went to go check on him at his house and he didn’t want to open the door because he was tired I stayed 15 mins trying to call him and knocking on the door, when he didn’t answer and kept hanging up on me I left. I don’t know your world seems to come down when u give someone a second chance, I’m still trying to get over him but its hard and u think will i ever find someone who will stay and not leave, always having ur guard up wondering and expecting will the next guy do the same?

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  27. Frog Princess

    The other night I had a very peaceful dream…In the dream I was with the man that I love deeply in my heart, yet he and I have not had contact in several months. I was waiting for a message from my spiritual guide that helped me get through the pain on not knowing what was to come. In the dream I was swimming with my love, his arms were around me and he said, “I love you”. I said, “I love you too”…and we peacefully swam together and held each other in the water. There was also a flash of what looked like an altar with big and small pots of red roses on both sides. I awoke from this dream with such peace and love in my soul that I believe it was a clear message from my spiritual guide. It came at just the right time, to help me deal with my dilema. I am looking forward to the next message(s) to come. I know…all I have to do is ask. The answer didn’t come right away, but at least it did come and in a way that I could understand it.

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  28. Sparkle

    I can relate to this exactly. Someone I love has left me for the 6th time. He has commitment phobia, and with his charming self, meets women that are willing to be “friends with benefits” because they don’t want commitment. He thinks this is the route he should take, and then frees himself of me. He returns after he is unfulfilled saying he is ready for a relationship, yet becomes fearful once again. It’s time to love myself enough to let go.

    Reply
  29. Sorah Suhng

    @DC When life gets you down, it’s really hard to see the silver lining on those rainclouds. But you have to remember that positivity starts from within. Yes, vows get broken, and in the immediate it seems that those individuals who are undeserving, as it were, get rewarded. But at the end of the day, they will have to look themselves in the mirror and they will know what they have done. The thing you can do in this world is to be true to yourself and be the best person you can possibly be – and when you can do that, loving yourself will be as natural as breathing, and then you’ll be wiser, and better, about who you allow to love you.
    @zaytie – absolutely! I love what you said “I deserve better than that.” So do I!
    @Cat – I’m quoting what you said because I think you are absolutely 100% correct:
    “Love is a gift, to be given openly and freely, without expectation of reward or reciprocity. Love appropriately. Love those who are ready to accept love, who are willing to cherish it and honor it. This is not to say that love should be withheld conditionally, but to consider if the other is willing or able to accept your gift of love.
    You wouldn’t give a six-year-old a Ming vase, would you?”

    Reply
  30. DC

    I suppose the reason I have been slaughtered by love is because I do not understand it… I don’t understand how one can continue to love themselves and feel worthy when marriage vows are broken and the person who broke them profits, and the other person who entered into the marriage also profits. I was told that I failed because I did not work hard enough to make the man I loved happy, that the woman he had a affair with made him feel good about himself yet, I gave him everything I had, praised him and tried to do anything he ask and consequently lost it all. Obviously I don’t understand life and why it seems to punish the ones who try to do right and be honest and the ones who lie, cheat and steal go untouched. It appears to me that one who is selfish and self centered is the one who gets and the one who isn’t looses.

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  31. zaytie

    I recently broke up with a man who I had been dating for awhile. I was pretty low on his priority list. I asked him one morning if we could increase communication to speaking or texting on a daily basis. I didn’t ask to see him daily, he has a career and I am working on my doctorate, I just wanted to touch base every day. He told me I was “pushing him”. I decided to end the relationship. It was the final straw, in a line of his leaving every weekend to go to his family’s cabin (he wouldn’t disclose that he was dating me), and calling me late at night to come over. I was beginning to feel like a booty call. Ironically, I spoke to him last week, and he is very hurt by the way I ended the relationship and how I treated him. After I ended things, I called a therapist/hypnotist and scheduled a series of appointments. My goal is to remove all the negative energy from my body. This isn’t the first emotionally abusive relationship I’ve had, and I was raised by a physically abusive father, and had a seven year relationship with a verbally and physically abusive man. I want to break the cycle. I want to stop attracting these types of individuals. Unfortunately they are good looking, successful and popular. Underneath they are selfish, uncaring, and harmmful. I deserve better than that.

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  32. Joey

    As a viewing the topic of LOVE.It is the most powerful on this planet.Love will go as far as you let,in a positive direction.We extend our thoughts,feelings and most important our time which is limited.I recently cling to a beautiful young woman after 4 months my wife left me.Seems all was back in place as my 3month love was not ready to give LOVE back.She decided to not to speak to me,so far it`s ended.I been sleeping for a month now.LOVE will have to find me,will I BE READY.?

    Reply
  33. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Cat,
    You are a very, very old soul.
    I loved the way you expressed that.
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  34. Cat

    Love is a gift, to be given openly and freely, without expectation of reward or reciprocity. Love appropriately. Love those who are ready to accept love, who are willing to cherish it and honor it. This is not to say that love should be withheld conditionally, but to consider if the other is willing or able to accept your gift of love.
    You wouldn’t give a six-year-old a Ming vase, would you?

    Reply
  35. jakival

    This is what I have waited years to hear…..thank you!
    I was convinced he was the ‘love of my life, my soulmate’ etc and even though he treated me appallingly on many occasions, I hung in there because he was the first man (I was in my forties!!) I had ever really ‘loved’.
    I allowed my self-esteem and validation to depend entirely on how he responded to me and yes- I lost myself.
    I left many times and now a year after the final departure, I was still judging myself and regretting (WHY?) leaving the home and security he provided for me. Your wise words have shaken me awake. Thank you!

    Reply
  36. Psychic Maryanne Ext. 9146

    “…not for him-but for me…”-absolutely yes. Forgiving yourself for being human—absolutely yes. It’s a heart-breaking lesson, but when we lose ourselves in a relationship the relationship often diminishes.
    Your pain is real and true, but it absolutely will not last forever. The value you learn to place in yourself will. Please remember that is absolutely not the only person you will find who you can love.
    Maryanne
    Ext. 9146

    Reply

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