Spiritually Confused: Heartbroken Path

Kristi from Mesa, Arizona asks:

Claire I spoke to you the other day about me and the guy I have been seeing, Phil. We have seen each other off and on for about a year. I have only started seeing him about 2 months ago. I told you he told me we needed to stop seeing each other and talking. Phil has cheated on me in the past and  hope this time it wasn’t that. You did tell me he will contact me in 14 days. I guess my heart wants so much to be with him. I feel like he could be the guy he wants to be but then this. I really felt this time we were going slow and things were on track. I don’t know. It’s hard for me because I really do want a family (get married & have kids) I thought this could happen for us.

I’m just so confused/hurt. I think im a good person, loving, kind, giving, and funny. I have had a hard few looks and was so excited to share my life and love with him. I believe you told me he was worth it if I could handle the in/outs. I just wonder if he will keep just floating in or finally give me the life with him I want.  It isn’t so hard wondering what he is thinking or what he will do. I am trying hard to believe in a path for me but over these last years its been hard. What do you see for me? Will this work out for Phil and I?

Hi Kristi,

I do remember speaking with you briefly the other day. Phil is a good man. A good man who has been through some very rough breakups and he is not ready for a fully committed relationship right now. But he does have feelings for you and will continue to move in and out of your life as long as you allow him to.

You will be hearing from him, BUT expect him to do the same thing again. We do not see a change in him for a very long time. You say you want to get married and have kids soon. If this is the case and he is afraid to even be in a committed dating relationship with you, you have to decide if you are willing to continue to put your dreams off or not. If you choose to wait for him, it would be a good idea to keep your options open, and see other men as well. You do not want to be so focused on him that you miss the perfect husband / father in someone else.

You will most likely see or hear about Phil and other women in the near future. This is a very painful situation when we decide to wait for someone who may never be ready. I would never tell anyone to wait on someone. Fear is different for different people, and depending on the level of hurt they have experienced, sometimes it is just too hard to take another chance on love. The sad truth is, a lot of times people cannot walk through the pain someone inflicted on them, and they choose to stay in safe relationships and situations the rest of their life. You have to ask yourself if this is a chance you are willing to take. Sometimes people are just not ready to settle and you have to accept that. Take your relationship with Phil for what it is, casual dating. And if you want more, you have to be prepared for it by keeping your options open.

You wrote that you are “a good person, loving, kind, giving, and funny.” You are, and there is someone who will see that and appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer in a relationship. Phil sees these things in you and that is why he keeps coming back, but he is still nowhere near being ready to change and participate in a relationship beyond what it has been in the past. I hope this helps you come to some sort of understanding and leads you to choose what is right for you.
In love and light,

Claire

11 thoughts on “Spiritually Confused: Heartbroken Path

  1. donna ann ruggiero

    i love them they really know there stuff and maybe you can help me i am trying very hard to get back ron he is july20 1957 and i am october 18 1958 thanks donna leave me a message on my email thanks and what can i do to get my man back

    Reply
  2. Dinah Marie Luke-white

    DEAR ADVISORS……..I NEED TO KNOW WHERE I AM AT IN MYSELF FIRST WITH LOVE……THEN WHERE AM I AT IN EVEN BEING IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP…….IF A PREVIOUS LOVE WOULD BE REALISTIC TO CONSIDER AND WHAT THE BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES ARE IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS…….

    Reply
  3. sweetz1

    I can relate to this story, fully! I too was in a relationship were I was only married for a few months. This really put a damper on my life. This guy swore up and down that he really cared for me. Come to find out he still was having physical relations with his kids mom. She was a drama queen…if you know what I mean! I caught hell throughout the relationship. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m still in love with this jerk! I cannot seem to move forward in another relationship, only because I can’t let go of my past. It’s been 6 months and he’s still with this female. I have not heard or seen him. It’s not so easy to let go! I’ve tried so many times. What is that?!

    Reply
  4. Zana

    How amazing,Im going through the same thing right now!
    Its 4.24am here in Australia & ive had many sleepless nights over the same issue. Im glad i decided to log on tonight, its just the good medicine that i needed.
    Bless you all,
    Zana

    Reply
  5. Barbie

    I met a guy through my brother which he was very close to, I first had no attraction at that time, I was only 10 years old, later when time passed, I turned 16, I started liking him. I thought he liked me, he was showing me some attention, we started hanging around together. I ended up making love to him, we continued doing this for 8 years, I was soo nieve, he was seeing other women at the same time as me, I ended up getting pregnant at 21 years old, he denied he was the father. I thought I was in love with him, and made a mistake by showing him, he took advantage of me, hurt me big time. I now have a daughter by him, she is the spit image of him, I took him to court, proved he was the father. I once in awhile see him with the women he left me for, and married, he has 2 kids by her, I still feel hurt when I see them together. I should let things go, but he was my first love, maybe this why I hurt soo much about him, never got over this.

    Reply
  6. mahei

    hi….
    i’m a person who believes in love & friendship.But now i’m cheated by everyone.
    My lover is good person but now he became too wild towards me because of doubt on me.
    my friend who loves me is saying all lies that i’m maintaining 2 lovers at a time.
    Now my lover had doubt on me and inquiring every1.
    He is also talking wit 3 or 4 girls now.
    suggest me what to do?Now he is not believing me and going with all girls now.

    sincerly,

    Mahei

    Reply
  7. Crystal

    My first love invited me on a vacation after finding me on facebook this last April. I was so excited and man do I still love him. Always will. I found out that he had a girl friend that he has a long distance relationship with, he said she’s a little insecure and I wanted to believe him until She called me. I sent him a gift and a couple of momento’s from the past. I then blew my top when she called me again. I then had a bottle of wine a week later and called her and laughed on her answering machine telling her she was jeolous of a woman that John hadn’t seen in over 29 years. We were kids. I was his first he mine. He has three children and is divorced he left me a message on my phone that he would love to meet me and come full circle. We haven’t spoke since. He has blocked me on his face book page and Mr. John White of course makes great money. I don’t I am still hurt!
    Anyway Our birthdays are 7 days apart? who knows it wasn’t meant to be but why say everything that he did?

    Reply
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  9. Natalie

    I was told by a wise Psyhic; if you miss one bus another will come along. Why wait for one who does not appreciate who you are or what you have to offer in a relationship. Sound “Harsh”, harsh is wasting your time. energy and love. Moving on is Gentle.

    Reply
  10. indigodanceIndigodance

    This did pain my heart, as I know so well how you must be feeling. There is a difference between told to “wait for him” and “worth waiting for”.

    The man I care for I am told is worth waiting for, by one and dont wait for him by another. The worth waiting for – said it would be painful journey, but the support we give each other makes us grow stronger spiritually, even if we cant be together, the bond grows stronger in spirit. That to me is more precious than the physical.

    The one that told me he was not to wait, said it was exteamly painful as he was elsewhere in his thoughts although he didnt want to let me go – true !! did I really want to put myself in such a situation as he was not ready for me and his actions would cause me more pain. Again true – so I have a choice to make – I know my choice.

    If I wait for him, do I have the personal strength to carry on with this. He too is not ready – his is finding his way in and out of other relationsips, most disasterous, the good ones as he percieves turn out to be mind games.

    He really is a lovely man – yes we all have issues to work through – painful, not only for us but those that walk with us (mostly out of pure frustration!!!)

    But I see this man as worth waiting for – even in friendship. Yes painful, but I have given this much thought, I want my friend to be happy, if its not with me, no matter, that does not mean I want to walk away. But to walk away completely is a different matter, to do that or stand back, you really do have to wish him well on his journey, so you can at least be at peace with yours.

    This also dosent mean you put your life on hold while he goes out and finds himself, if someone comes along to give you the family and kids you will be learning your lessons as well. That dosent mean we stay together though – we will always have stronger bonds with some than others – the strength is to know when to cut them to heal and when to nurture them to fulfil their potential – both enable selfgrowth

    Reply
  11. maryannex9146Maryanne Ext. 9146

    Hi, Claire,

    I never advise a client to wait either as I do not believe that “waiting” makes one more attractive to the other person more quickly or guarantees the eventual decision to be made by the other party. Further, I don’t believe in a client putting any one precious day of their lives “on hold” for any person or event.

    You’re so right about people who are hurt too much to do anything other than stay in safe relationships. Hopefully those of us here can help a few of those folks through that pain to allow them to enjoy full relationships.

    Sincerely,

    Maryanne
    Ext. 9146

    Reply

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