Speak Up: Know if They Don’t Love You

Are you with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved? What should you do? One reader asks these questions. Carmen advises that you should identify what your deal breakers are for you to determine what to do next.

Never Let Somebody Else Determine Your Worth

Nequa from Joliet, Illinois asks:

If you always feel like he doesn’t love you, what should you do?

Dear Nequa,

Well, you’ll have to ask yourself why you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. And what indicators do you have for the lack of love? For me, there are simple ways to decide what to do. There’s a huge difference between a few flaws that you may have a hard time with, versus actual deal breakers. Deal breakers for me include lying, cheating, deceiving, lack of integrity, being cruel or utterly selfish. A relationship is based on giving and taking, and someone who just takes or does whatever the hell they please, is not someone I want to spend time and space with.

It all boils down to how much you value yourself and what you feel you deserve. Don’t let anyone else determine your value, ever! And if the person you are with does not treat you in a loving, kind, caring and honest way, it’s time to kick him to the curb! Don’t fall into the trap of wanting to change someone. Know that no one changes for another, and you can’t love someone into being right for you.

“Real trust takes real time.” – Reed ext. 5105

I tend to ask myself if I’ve given it my all and done the best I could have done, i.e. conducted myself in the same way I would want to be treated. If the answer is “yes” and the person does not reciprocate, I’ll move on. Life is too short to waste it with the wrong people, and as long as we’re occupying the space for the right guy by staying with the wrong one, we’re stuck and can’t truly live life to the fullest.

So, Nequa, I guess if you really feel unloved, it’s maybe time to move on and find someone who does and will love you just the way you are!

Good luck and, as always, love thyself!

“Love and relationships are kind of like jobs, we change constantly until we find that right one that sticks around for the long haul.”  – Lacy ext. 5494

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20 thoughts on “Speak Up: Know if They Don’t Love You

  1. Teemah

    I met a guy on facebuk buh unfortumately he is my sch mate. He said he luvs me but i av nt been feeling it. But i tink am fallin 4 him which has neva occured to me b4. Pls wat do u tink i can do. I nid ur assistance.

  2. jhed

    hi. i need some idea from u. i been in a relation now, but im not happy with him, i want to break him up, but I’m afraid, i love him so much, i really cant figth my fellings, WHY i really love him, in fact he D’ont care about me., hes keEp on saying trust me, i love u so much, but he never did… he let me fall inlove with him and now it seems that he dont care for me. i really fell so helpless, i want to erase him in my life……. how i will do it. why i still love him

  3. emma

    i dont think hunter d likes me Nd it is annoying
    they all told me to stop stalking him i did now ppl think i dont like him and i do

  4. Gabrielle

    why is it to hard to let go? even whe you see that the other person is putting preassure to make the relationship explode… and still blame the other person.

    In my experience… He cheated on me since the first time.. then i kept on asking why..he told me that he loved me but he just needed that experience in his life… we still went on with the relationship and I would be finding out that he was even taking seminars on how to be a “pick up artist”.. I would ask why?… he would say it was for self confidence… so he started then scalating to a one night stand while being in a relationship with me…it turned into another relationship on a side for him… I kept believing in his word… then he even made a trip to go see this girl… we broke up, he came to beg me get back together.. so I did.. and the pattern continued. After 3 years.. he still blames me. I now am working on getting my self together and take care of ME, to recognize that my EGO had been in the way of me not letting go.
    Why did he cheat?, why did he erased everything about us?… and why do I still care? he ofcourse is still making me the bad person in the relationship and him a saint for the girls he is encouraging to go to bed with him, to trust him.

  5. chris

    Leslie-he’s gay!! Believe it..sometimes gay men do notice and appreciate females, and perhaps even wonder what it would be like, but..he’s gay. Through and through. Drop it.

  6. Dr.Victor Spiteri Shanglon

    What is Love? I answer to every one on earth

    is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we can not command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don’t fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.

    Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving people you don’t like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates independently of our fears and desires.

    Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, nor even a marketable power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.

    One can buy sex partners and even marriage partners. Marriage is a matter for the law, for rules and courts and property rights. In the past the marriage price, or dowry, and in the present alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage is all about contracts. But as we all know, marriages, whether arranged or not, may have little enough to do with love.

    Sexual stimulation and gratification, whether by way of fingers, mouths, objects, fantasy play, whips and chains, or just plain intercourse, can certainly be bought and sold, not to mention used to sell other things. Whether sex should be for sale is another question entirely, but love itself can not be sold.

    One can buy loyalty, companionship, attention, perhaps even compassion, but love itself cannot be bought. An orgasm can be bought, but love cannot. It comes, or not, by grace, of its own will and in its own timing, subject to no human’s planning.

    Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered if it doesn’t spring freely from the heart.

    This doesn’t mean that love allows destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love speaks out for justice and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for anger, grief, or pain to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn’t get what it wants. Love does not say, directly or indirectly, “If you are a bad boy, Mommy won’t love you any more.” Love does not say, “Daddy’s little girl doesn’t do that.” Love does not say, “If you want to be loved you must be nice, or do what I want, or never love anyone else, or promise you’ll never leave me.”

    Love cares what becomes of you because love knows that we are all interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows that the “other” is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and love itself can not be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of each soul. Love is its own law.

  7. mulz

    TO GWEN:

    i’ve been in a few long-distance “relationships” and when the other person becomes less attentive/less communicative/less responsive it is a definite sign there is something changing. try not to take it personally, although this is hard. trust your gut instincts.
    because it is long-distance you have no idea what is going on in their present environment. they may not be trying to hurt you, they are just unable to communicate. they may be too unstable for a relationship that is not present.

    my suggestion is START LETTING-GO.

    eventually this person may tell you the truth but for now it seems they are just following some other avenue or relationship option?

    i could be wrong but what i have experienced is once your instincts perk up with insecurities, it is time to re-consider and/or bow out.

    do not put YOUR future in someone’s hands.


  8. Gwen

    I”ve been seeing someone that lives out of state i have”t heard from him in 3 days it”s hurting me. I dont know if its over or if hes ok or what is going on Sometimes I can feel when somethings going on with him but this time I cant Please help me

  9. kim

    He says he loves me but the
    mean hurtful things he says to me really find me in tears every day. Cruel words and angry actions bring a heaviness that is leaving

    Me wandering what did I do wrong this time somebody help me to understand

  10. Judy

    I’m so lucky. I think I’ve found a Virgo man willing to stick around for the long haul. And at our age, that’s quite an accomplishment. He is putting friendship before intimacy; that is first and foremost although to begin with, the intimacy was pretty good for a while. Now we’re strictly learning friendship with one another. It makes my heart smile somedays.

  11. leslie james

    Pls. help. I met a gay man in church a year and a half ago. He has a ‘friend’. He has approached me many times, touched me and flirted with me. Once he hugged me and he was trembling violently. He is always looking at me – at coffee hour – never takes his eyes off me, and manuevers to come across me. I saw him trembling several times when he was close to me as well. Anyway, he doesn’t relate well and never makes any personal comments or asks questions. To everyone else he always points out that he has a ‘partner’. He didn’t do this with me. He once looked at my breasts and made an expression as if to say, I like this. He is younger than me. I am very attractive. We also corresponded for awhile, and I told him I loved him. He made no response to that. He reminds me of my mother, and I told him so. That disturbed me for a long time. He is now in discernment and wants to become a minister. I just don’t think that the ministry suits him. Of late, things are very strained and I feel uncomfortable. I feel angry with him but still feel attracted. Can you please tell me what you think is going on? It would really help me.

  12. Leah

    I really care about this guy alot and im not real sure he feels the same about me, we have been friends for years and there was about 20 years we lost due to me being married, now im not married and we have been seeing each other of and on for the last 5 years, he has not really made a commitment to me but no sure where we are headed, should I just give up and move on or should I just keep hanging in there. By the way he is an aqurious and im a cancer, where does that leave me? Dont really know what to do anymore!!! Help if you can and thank you for listening and hopefully helping me with this!!!!!!

  13. CONNIE


  14. Carmen

    Hi Carmen, (from another Carmen) I am going to finally leave a comment for you… I have been reading your helpful articles for quite sometime and I must say I don’t read all articles on this site from all psychics but every time I see one with a title that applies to something I could benefit from I open it and to my surprise it is always written by you! Needless to say, you are always right on the mark and I have enjoyed reading ALL of your articles and find I totally agree and connect with your way of thinking! Thank you for always bringing me home at just the right time when I need to be reminded of my worth! Love, Carmen

  15. leslie james

    I met a younger man in church whom I felt I loved and told him so. He has a ‘friend’ and is gay. Nevertheless, he has been touching me and flirting with me and always has a wide smile for me since day one. He wrote me that he cannot give me the kind of relationship I want. I told him I just want to be friends. During coffee hour and at other times, he is always looking at me — week after week — he just doesn’t take his eyes off me, and if I move to be out of his sight, he will move as well so he can see me, and now that I try to ignore him, he accidentally bumps into me and does such things that I would notice him. Now he tells me that he is in discernment and plans to become a minister. I am not happy about that. When he told me about this he swayed his body in such a way as to say, I am special now, notice me, or something like that. When he is on the podium, and he sees me (I sit in front row because I can’t hear well) he automatically moves his head as if he is on alert. Yes, I am a very attractive, well dressed woman, but he is very attractive too. I find his friend rather ‘weird’ and I think he may be jealous. What do you make out of this? It will really help me alot, as I feel tormented.


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