The 7 Signs You’re a Sexual Perfectionist

7 Signs You’re a Sexual Perfectionist

Why Sexual Perfectionists Are Not Perfect

What type of lover are you? Are you considerate of your partner’s feelings and pleasures? Do you satisfy them first before indulging yourself? Do you execute your moves with the same precision as a professional athlete? Do you strive for an encore performance every time you have sex? Trying to be the perfect lover can lead to less-than-perfect results. But let’s face it, it’s difficult to be a good lover these days. You’re supposed to adhere to all the advice aimed at making you better at sex, but if you become too persnickety about your technique, you risk forgetting to have a good time.

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As it turns out, there are more sexual perfectionists in the world than most of us realize. Sexual perfectionists often compare themselves to past lovers, imagine an audience scoring their performance, focus on the tiny details rather than the big picture, and often demand the same perfection from their partner. In other words, they are draining the motion right out of their ocean before the boat has even had a chance to start rocking! Could this be you?

Enjoying the Moment

Sexual perfectionism is not always black and white. Wanting to be your best can improve self-esteem, optimism and overall satisfaction. However, when that desire for perfectionism leads to the need for sexual perfection, your preoccupation with counting mistakes will overshadow the more important detail of enjoying the moment.


Sexual perfectionists can be depressed, because like other depressed people, they have unrealistic expectations about most things in their life—including their relationships, love and sex life. And what happens when you demand perfection? You create stress, the pressure to perform, and the fear of failure—all of which will make your performance (and symptoms of depression) even worse.

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Failures Over Successes

Perfectionists often choose to remember their failures over their successes. So when the opportunity arises to get busy, they focus on their bad experiences from their past, rather than their good. But sex is not as much a skill as it is an adventure. You don’t have to be perfect as long as you are prepared to make the most of every opportunity.

Different is Failure

The way to win at sex is to take what you have at that given moment, and mold it into a mutually satisfying experience for you and your partner. Sexual perfectionists have a vision of perfect sex in their mind, and perceive any difference in that vision as a sign of failure. In other words, it is a bit of an all-or-nothing attitude. So if they feel like a failure they may avoid intimacy.

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Procrastination and Excuses

If a perfectionist is unsure about their ability to perform flawlessly, they will avoid sex rather than face the possibility of doing (what they perceive to be) a bad job. Whether they fear the inability to perform due to a medical condition, or are unsure if they will be able to successfully accomplish a new position their partner wants to try, they will use excuses and procrastination techniques.


Feeling inadequate causes many perfectionists to become competitive in everything they do. However, when you are competing with your partner during sex, it creates a barrier between the two of you. Sex is no place for heroes; it should be a team effort.

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In Control

Perfectionists love to be in control of their life. And when they see signs of not being in control, they often close off from their partner to mask any fear, disappointment and insecurity. But sharing your emotions is an integral part of developing and maintaining intimacy in your relationship. Sometimes you’ve got to give up the idea of control in order to enjoy the true mysteries found in both life and sex.

6 thoughts on “The 7 Signs You’re a Sexual Perfectionist

  1. Justina

    I am unfortunately a perfectionist and worry more about my husband’s satisfaction than mine. It hurts my feelings sometimes, but I never tell him. I want to have great sex, but I have a very hard time expressing my feelings/emotions.

  2. Phil

    Love is so often left out. Sex is the little reward nature provided to encourage baby making. Love is the way we chose the other person we want. And sex is so much more when expressions of love are part of the togetherness. Love is NOT sex—sex is NOT love. Love is spirit and soul.

  3. Seren ext. 5445Psychic Seren, Ext 5445


    Your comment was an absolute pleasure to read and I cannot express how strongly I agree with your belief in the importance of finding a mate with a similar attitude and understanding.

    Hoping that you find yours very soon!

    Brightest blessings,
    Seren, Ext 5445

  4. Seren ext. 5445Psychic Seren, Ext 5445

    “If a perfectionist is unsure about their ability to perform flawlessly, they will avoid sex rather than face the possibility of doing (what they perceive to be) a bad job.”

    I get so many calls about this subject and what the insecure person often does not realize is that this withhold causes his or her partner to feel unappealing and sexually unattractive, which then causes feelings of insecurity in that person, as well.

    Your advice that “You don’t have to be perfect as long as you are prepared to make the most of every opportunity,” is spot on, Eric, and can be applied to almost every situation in life, not just sex.

    Great article!

    Brightest blessings,
    Seren, Ext 5445

  5. Katie

    Harold you are a rare breed of man and I mean that as a compliment. Most men in your situation would be thinking about sex 24/7 and degrading it if they haven’t had any in a while. I believe that it’s an individual’s perspective about sex and somewhat situational. In my case, I just got out of a 17 year relationship and I am having a hard time controlling my urges. I guess that’s what rebound feelings are called. It’s refreshing and inspiring to hear your belief about sex as though it is a byproduct of a meaningful relationship and a long lasting passionate act of love, not casual.

  6. Harold

    It has been so long since I have experienced any and I am too busy doing other things in life anyway. I think when the time is right the opportunity will appear. I do not believe sex to be something that is unobstructed, free, and has no boundaries. I believe there is a sacredness to having sex; but I am still learning the ropes of life and to not profess to be a master of anything; especially sex. I do believe that finding a mate with a similar attitude and understanding as the energies propelling everlasting enjoyment; sex is only the by product of a good relationship unless you advise me otherwise. Thanks for the privilege of expression.


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