Sexual Frustration in Relationships

Rhona Asks:

Dear Liam,

I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We have two sons together, and they are doing well. Our relationship is not. We argue all the time, and can’t seem to agree on anything. I walked out the other night, and basically we both agreed that we can’t live like this anymore. I know that the boys love their dad, and separately we are good parents. Together, we disagree. I’m unsure if we have a future or not. Please help, for the sake of everyone in our lives…

Liam’s Response:

Rhona, thank you so much for your interesting inquiry. Successfully navigating the phases of life is difficult enough for one person to manage… Far more difficult for two people with children in tow. Stresses abound. Just meeting daily needs can put a person under enormous strain, and our techno-industrial society does little to help us find any oasis where we can relax and recharge away from the constant hum of the machine. Add child rearing to the mix, and one might just as well forget finding any opportunities for reclining with a book under the apple tree, let alone a steamy midnight forest interlude with your partner… Love is poetic. Its motion, beat and texture negates ego. And yet we live in a world that requires our egos to be honed to their very sharpest points at every moment in order to meet the barest minimum requirements of survival…Which often leaves love and its subtle poetry out in the proverbial cold. Still, despite it all, there are ways for passion to prevail. And couples who really have passion will find the heat that’s needed to withstand the rigors of this unfeeling age.

You and your lover have been together four short years. And in that time you’ve managed to create two youngsters. Even a long standing relationship would feel the strain of adding two children, one nearly on top of the other, so suddenly. But such is nature. Where there is mating, children quite often follow. Where there is real passion, there will usually be more than one little one running about. In your case I sense that you and your partner have an awesome sex life… That you cannot get enough of each other… Or at least that was the case before the children. As a result, you now have two fine sons. And guess what? The opportunities for the two of you to enjoy one another became fewer, and then fewer still… The stress of caring for the children compounded with pure exhaustion. There was help from family, but not quite as much as you really needed… And then money got short, as it always does. When living in survival mode, where men and women try to find ways just to cope, the kids become the highest priority. Couples find themselves scrambling for downtime with a magazine or the Monday Night Football Game… Anything for some peace. Things are so hectic, energy conservation becomes a driving need. They end up doing many things alone because there’s no other way to find those few breaths a day which are so desperately needed to keep going. I see this sad scenario for you. However that sex drive, that passion that produced those sons never died. I can see it still glowing brightly. But with so little outlet. Passion is not a mild range of emotions. It is not a sedate energy. It is a vital heat, often nasty and wild. Cut it off from its normal modes of illustration, and it will find other ways to pronounce itself. In other words, your desire for your partner and his desire for you, your mutual sexual frustration, is destroying this relationship. You’ve allowed this fighting cycle to overshadow everything to such a point that you probably aren’t even thinking about the one pastime that could very well cure most of your ills. Love and hate aren’t opposites. Sex is a brutal act, filled with dire energy. In your current cycle of life, it has had to take a backseat to responsibility. And believe me, when children come along, the loss of an unfettered sex life has destroyed more relationships than perhaps any other factor.

The fix for this isn’t as easy as just making a date night. The issues have become much more powerful, and the relationship control oriented. Sex is often embedded with resentment. But don’t give up. Passion is not an easy thing to find. Not on the level you and your partner have it. True, the physical act itself might be almost cold thanks to the destruction of your senses by stress. But you can find it again. Looking at this situation, I see that you two have what it takes to stand the test of time. What I recommend is full immersion in the realm of really dirty sex for the two of you. Time is not your ally, so go find your partner, look him in the eye and tell him you need a quick fix. From there, find ways to raunch yourselves silly. Seek out a good, sex-oriented counselor to hash out those points of contention. You’re going to find that he feels rejected. And he’s going to find that you feel rejected. And then you’ll discover that nobody meant to reject anybody. It was all an exhausted misunderstanding. Once you get that issue taken care of, start spending time together as a couple again. If you cannot make love, do other things together which foster seductive vibrations. Listen to jazz before bed. Read erotica to each other. Start working out or running together. Get those bodies moving. It will not only keep you in shape, but it makes subconscious suggestions of the most primal kind. Do creative and silly things as a family. Puppet shows, finger paints, and shaving cream all over the table… Learn to have fun. When did life become so damn serious anyway? We live in a quick fix world. Everyone wants everything right now, and so few are willing to pay any sort of price for something that will one day bring incredible happiness. I think that you are more than that. I think that he is more than that. If you raise your children well, they will leave you for lives of their own. That day will come sooner than you think, and what will you have then? Go find your lover and be a team.

Liam ext. 9290

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3 thoughts on “Sexual Frustration in Relationships

  1. liam - ext. 9290

    Hail to thee, Priestess Gina Rose. It is always such a pleasure to hear from you. I hope that all is well with you and yours and that you are enjoying this fine season. Samhain is coming, indeed, just a few weeks away already. Don’t forget to leave out a pint and a cake for the Wayward Traveler …
    Love to you, sister.

    Liam

    Reply
  2. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hail and Well Met, Sir Liam

    Yes……I agree…..I liked the idea of puppet shows,finger paints, shaving cream….and just having fun in the bedroom……being child-like and silly sometimes can be fun…..AND sexy.

    I once knew a couple that would play with ice cubes and flashlights in the pitch black darkness of the bedroom…….LOL…..and they were in their mid 40’s….and, I just recently heard that they are still together and acting out fantasies!

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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