Obsessed: Avoiding the Stalker Ex

“Love frees a soul and in the same breath can sometimes suffocate it.”

— Cecilia Ahern

In relationships, the line between love and obsession can be easily crossed.

Imagine you’ve started a new romance. It’s begun wonderfully, and you’re full of feelings of joy and hope for the future. Your new significant other seems so loving, kind and caring … until they become jealous, needy and intrusive. If you so much as miss one of their calls, you can count on repeated phone calls, text messages and even e-mails accusing you of being with somebody else. If this person can’t reach you, you can bet you’ll be hearing from a best friend or relative that they’d called looking for you. Finally, after too many late-night arguments and incredibly ridiculous accusations, you decide that enough is enough. You dump them. You tell them not to call, not to text, not to e-mail or ever drop by unannounced again. That, you think, should be the end of it.

Wrong! Not only are they not willing to give up their little love muffin, but you’ve become the victim of an obsessed boyfriend or girlfriend. Telling them goodbye only seemed to exacerbate the problem. While your need to move on from this very suffocating relationship grows stronger, they have no intention of letting go. Somehow, they always seem to find you. That romantic table for two with a date ends up as a table for three, with a restaurant manager threatening to call the police if they don’t leave.

You lie awake at night wondering why you didn’t see these negative traits before it became so dauntingly obvious to everyone else around you. The need to control another is obsessive behavior. And why, pray tell, didn’t you see it? Well, maybe it’s because you truly were in love.

If this sounds like a scene from Fatal Attraction – or your life – you may be in need of a reality check!

“When we need someone in order to exist and our body aches when that person is not around, it is not love, it is obsession,” Deborah Calla wrote in a recent blog entry for The Huffington Post. “It is about us thinking a particular person has the power to rescue us. And we want to be rescued because we don’t trust our own ability to take care of and provide ourselves with a rich life. In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away.”

This hits the issue right on the head. When we place the responsibility for our happiness on other people – whether it’s by blaming them for our problems or expecting them to rescue us – we let go of our ability to choose the lives we want to live. We become focused on others when we should be responsible for ourselves. This is not a recipe for mature love, in which two partners compliment, support and share with each other, but who each are able to stand on their own feet.

To be even more direct, real love can begin when we want, but don’t need our partner. Or in the words of Sting… “if you love somebody, set them free.”

9 thoughts on “Obsessed: Avoiding the Stalker Ex

  1. Victoria

    I caught this guy I had been seeing for 2 yrs out with other ladies I got so mad I damanged his Car got thrown in Jail! Have to move out of my Apt. Anyway I have moved on not careing for him any more. I was so dum an its going to cost me a lot to repair his Car!! Girls dont EVER do this its not worth it! An I dont even remember it I was drunk. So now I go to AA to better my self this would not have happened if I was stright. Lesson learned the hard way!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  2. Lisa

    Good article, yet does not answer the title of the piece. Living in the middle of this kind of mess, those of us in this situation could use some suggestions on how to actually “Avoid the Stalker Ex”. Lisa

    Reply
  3. Lisa

    Good article, yet does not have any suggestions to answer the title. Living in the middle of this kind of mess at the moment, I would appreciate some suggestions on how to actually “Avoid the Stalker Ex”

    Reply
  4. Lee

    I am finally out of a relationship where my partner has been obsessed with me. He was verbally abusive to me when we lived together. I asked him to move out many times, but he never would. Finally when my lease expired in 2007 I told him I was moving and he was not coming with me. I am still concerned he may stalk me. If he does I will go to the police. On occasion he will call me. He is still obsessed with me but I think he finally understands that I do not want to have anything to do with him.

    Reply
  5. browneyesbrowneyes

    I read this article several times. Really hits home. And Miss Krystal is right, when caught or even suspected of being a stalker, in any aspect of the word, it is extremely embarrassing and shameful. And the funny thing is that you really dont even realize what you’re doing until you’ve already done it. I wish this article had been available a long time ago, lol. Thanks Claudia. Very good article.

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  6. lindsey

    Thank you for a thought provoking article, Claudia!

    I feel that when a person becomes obsessed with someone else after a break up it really isn’t because of their obsession with the one they are stalking. It’s about how they felt when they were in love and it’s about how they perceive their life will be affected without the other person in it. Unfortunately, many people fail to realize that it’s not about the person they are obsessed with, because the feelings that came out from being with that person are still inside them. They CAN feel that way again. They just have to learn to accept what they cannot change and be willing to move forward.

    When giving a reading to someone that is having a hard time letting go, my goal is to empower the caller with the knowlege that they can love again and to try to help them let go and to help them understand that there are many other opportunities available to them.

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  7. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Wow, that is really interesting, Gina Rose…Never thought about that…hmmmm, maybe huh?

    Claudia-it is always a delight to read your work. It seems that at one point, or another, a lot of us have had someone stalking us. It’s never fun. I always say, “Why take the chance?” The humiliation with getting caught, ugggggggggg. Not worth it. I have worked some people who got caught-and the impact, once caught, is really brutal and shameful. Just call us lol seriously-we’ll tell ya what they are doing…No need to spy or stalk…Just call one of us, and we will do some remote viewings, give you the scoop-be your “fly” on the wall. There is so much beauty and luxury to get readings, not just a YES OR NO…
    Happy day,
    Miss Krystal

    Reply
  8. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Claudia,
    This was an EXCELLENT article……..

    I’ve read for 44 years and this is what I find so interesting…..for the past twenty years the majority of the stalkers are women not men, …..prior to that it was mainly men.
    ( Don’t know why the change……but it’s just something I’ve noticed ).

    I particularly loved the line in your article that said ,”In OBSESSIVE relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away.”

    Which is why I try to empower the women I read for…..so they can carry forth with self confidence, pride and dignity…….and also, in the process, NOT chase away, or scare away, their love interest.

    EXCELLENT ARTICLE!, Claudia !!!!!…..I really enjoyed reading this one.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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