10 Rules for Moving in Together

Moving in together is an extension of the long-term relationship, but not quite the commitment of marriage. For many couples, it’s the perfect next step for their relationship. However, it’s still a huge step, and something that requires a lot of thought and consideration.

In my own experience, I was dead set against the concept – until I met my would-be husband. My feeling, prior to meeting him, was that I was an all-or-nothing type gal, and moving in together was too risky a proposition. I was afraid that my own neuroses would drive me crazy, and they probably would have had I not met the person with whom to take that leap.

I wondered why I had such negative ideas, and whether or not they still served me. It only took two seconds to realize that my religious upbringing had its own opinion about moving in together. I was pleased to realize that my revised spiritual ideals had me reconsidering.

Along the way, I came up with some rules of my own that helped me make my decision. I hope that these help you to draw your own conclusions based on where you are with your relationship:

1. You’re on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going. In my case, I knew my boyfriend-at-the-time was The One, so I was completely ready to take the plunge and rent that moving van. We were also in agreement about getting married, and how moving in together was a stepping stone. Had one of us been more gung ho than the other, that would have been a red flag to me.

2. You’re not trying to save or fix the relationship by moving in together. This concept is fraught with risk, bad feelings, and potential property damage. If your relationship is broken, don’t attempt to “fix” it by throwing more intimacy at it. That’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

3. You have similar lifestyles. As a career girl, there wasn’t anyone better to understand my schedule and need for sleep better than my career guy/boyfriend. It made sense based on where we were in our lives, and served as a way of making us more supportive of one another.

4. You like the person as much as you love them. Trust me, love is a crucial factor, but when you live with someone and see them on a daily basis, liking them is just as important! Those little habits you might have considered endearing could lose their luster – so remember, you’re friends as well as lovers.

5. You spend enough time together that moving in together makes sense. By the time I was spending four nights a week at S’s house, I knew it was the right choice to move in. I also did some math and realized my apartment had turned into a $1000-a-month closet.

6. You’re not compromising yourself to make the arrangement work. There’s a distinct difference between compromising as a couple and compromising as a person. Be sure that you’re clear on the difference. If your motivation for moving in with him is to be sure he’s not cheating, that’s compromise – and also really bad juju. You shouldn’t have to move into a sketchy or unsafe situation on any level: physically, emotionally or spiritually.

7. The decision is a mutual one. Again, no one should be pulling or pushing on this arrangement. When it comes together organically and mutually, you’ll be feeling peace and happiness, not fear and panic. Definitely check your gut after you let yourself think things through.

8. You’re not making an impulsive decision. Going to Vegas is a fun impulse. Moving in together shouldn’t be. Give yourself space and time to carefully think things through, because this is a big step. Be sure you’re making a decision based on your feelings, not the fact that you can buy new towels.

9. Be absolutely certain that you’re not moving in with anyone other than your boy/girlfriend. Living with a roommate, in-laws, or anyone other than a dog is another risky situation. If you’re not in a place to make the move right, listen to what the universe is telling you, and hold off. The dynamic between two lovers can be tough enough without interference from third parties – so be aware!

10. You’re on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going. Oh geez, did I say that twice? I certainly did – it’s important enough to repeat. Talk to each other and figure things out before you go through the logistical quagmire that can be relocating.

Moving in together can be a really fun part of a relationship if you give the decision the care and consideration it deserves.

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2 thoughts on “10 Rules for Moving in Together

  1. velvetoversteel

    Liz, I think this is the best article I’ve read on this subject. It’s Great! The ‘next step’ explaination is perfect and should be the reason to move in together for sure. I have/had the same feelings and concerns that you did.

    So 5 years ago a boyfriend proposed… to get me to move in. Although I didn’t realize that at first. I had never lived with anyone before and so glad I did, in my situation, because he wasn’t the person I thought he was and found out Before getting married. However, if there is a next time it will be with my eyes wide open and I will be following my Heart completely and not on timing. I totally agree with Maryanne, that ‘If it’s the right decision, it won’t go away.’ 🙂

    Wonderful post, Liz, this is one that should be printed and kept in a single woman’s purse.

    Blessings & Hug to you,

    Coreen

    Reply
  2. maryannex9146maryannex9146

    Liz,

    Thanks for a great article on moving in together. I agree with you that being on the same page in terms of where the relationship is going is worth saying twice and probably the most important part of whether moving in together is going to be successful or not.

    I’d also like to mention, as I think you did in item 7. above, please be certain that the timing of the decision to move in together is a mutual one and on the same page. And please don’t rush into it. If it’s the right decision it won’t go away.

    Sincerely,

    Maryanne
    Ext. 9146

    Reply

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