More Than Sex: When Emotions Come Into Casual Sex

Can people really have casual sex? What starts out as something simple can become more with strong emotions evoked during intercourse.

Is There Really Such a Thing as Casual Sex?

“If it’s actually casual, you’re probably just doing it wrong.” This one-liner by Susie Bright exemplifies the notion that perhaps casual sex is not so casual. There can be no argument that sex is an intense experience involving strong emotions that often heighten feelings during intercourse. So what happens if what you thought was casual sex begins to feel like something more? Read on for some great ways to adjust to this exciting relationship transformation.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

The term casual sex has gotten a bit of a bad rap, partially due to how we perceive this word. The general idea is that committed relationship sex is special and extraordinary because of the feelings of love involved, while “casual” sex can be considered cold, dirty or less-than. When you establish these parameters, casual sex seems more like a conquest instead of what it really can and should be: a shared intimate experience between two human beings.

Transitional vs. Lasting Emotion

Recognizing the emotions that do surface during “casual” sex may save you confusion and heartache later, and save you from reading too much into a moment. As sex is intimate and intense, naturally emotions surface, but they can also fade as quickly as you can say post-coital. Usually any longer-term emotions come from having sex multiple times with the same person. With familiarity comes understanding one another, appreciating one another and so on (otherwise you very likely would have moved on to the next new thing).

“For some, love and sex are intertwined, but most people have the ability to enjoy love without sex or sex without love – if they let go and allow themselves to do so.” – Reed ext. 5105

Moving Forward

If you know that your emotions about your casual sex partner are there to stay, you’ll want to re-evaluate your connection with him or her. When one person becomes emotionally attached, the relationship can become harmful to that person when the feelings are unrequited. Talk these issues over with your partner to see if he’s open to deepening the relationship. If he’s not interested, it’s probably best to move on to another partner with whom you share a more compatible emotional connection.

“Attracting sex is simple. The hard part is when someone believes that sex and love are the same or that one will naturally lead to the other.” – Reed ext. 5105

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37 thoughts on “More Than Sex: When Emotions Come Into Casual Sex

  1. HKC

    Sunshine, are you serious? He’s fucking married. You’re screwing up a family for sex? You and him both have some serious issues.

  2. Sunshine

    So I have this friend that I met when a friend was purchasing a car from the dealership. Make a long story short we became fast friends and have been in a sexual relationship now for 3 months,,,,he’s married I’m not….so out time has to be planned, he and i both decided that we wanted to keep this for a long long time….are there feelings involved here??????

  3. Saggie Sister

    rI’m having a casual friendship/sexual encounters relationship with a fellow I met on the Internet through a dating website. It’s what we both expressed interest in and it has so far, worked out well. He was engaged before we met for 5 years and has been out of that engagement for just over one year. They still own a house together (they’re friends and she just never bothered to stop paying ‘her’ share) but only he lives there. For the moment, I don’t really care because we are only casual, but I feel my feelings for him growing and I think he also likes me more than we had initially set out pinning our ‘relationship’ on in the first days… At what point would it be okay to ask or is it ever any of my business to know why they don’t ‘sever’ the mortgage. He did mention at one point that there could be a small chance that they might get back together. It didn’t matter much back when he said it, but now…kinda does…I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to him about my feelings?…Or should I just be cool and let him be a ‘big boy’ and deal with his own stuff in his own way?…

  4. Happy

    Well I was with a man for twenty years left me for a so call friend this changed me on how felt about men it took me over a year to even be able to talk to a man without wanting punch him the face I was very angry so I started to work on me body mind and heart it was very hard but with the love of my family and very good friends women and men I changed and about 6 month ago meet a man who became my friend and he was also hurt at the time then started dating then became my lover and I did not want to ever love again to be hurt just wanted a lover but with time we have a very strong connection so when you just don’t care and live life and are free no string it’s kind of funny how thing work out just be happy and live life to the fullness

  5. Peaceful Warrior

    Casual sex it just empty in truth. Love making with a partner that you truly love n share on so many levels is the best. For me their is no substitute forsharing your sacred body with you true love! I know I’ve made all the mistakes and I learnt through mistakes n pain n a lot of tears. The best thing to do when it all gets crazy is to sit with it and cry and stay away from vices like drugs gambling alcohol or casual sex it only causes more pain.

  6. committed and loving it

    During my single days I had several casualencounters, now that i am married for over 19 years and still going intensively strong. I mean the feelign and intensity and passion are heightened more and more every time we make LOVE. Yes, LOVE, I have to say truthfully I didnt feel it as intensely as I do now and want more everyday and can’t wait to see my husband and spend every moment with him, s he does with me we have 5 children as well.

  7. elizabeth

    I met a guy a few months ago in a bar. We had so much in common and were immediatley attracted to one another. He has a Significan Other and so did I at the time.
    It turned into a very passionate relationship. After have ‘causial sex” with him, I could feel that loving energy moving from my body, I mean the hormone that women secrete when they are attaching to someone. Oxytocin, I think it is. Nevertheless, he called a lot and checked in on my a few times a day. I was beginning to think of my self as his other significant other. I had no problems with this as I sont really believe in monogamy. Now, unfortunately, I am beginning to like him and he is turning into a slug that comes over and lays around and watches the game. He is starting to see himself as a prize rather than an accessory in my life. Last night I was overcome by these feelings and refused to have sex. I am gonna get myself out of this.

  8. michelle

    Everyone has their own opinion about it but I think the article is right on. I was married for 18 years and I hated sex. I’ve been divorced for 3 and I love having just casual sex with other men and no strings. I don’t want another relationship like I had, but I have needs. I found someone last year that I had a connection with and we both agreed we would be Friends with Benefits (FWB) and we would see each other 2x a week. He started calling me over every day and we started to get closer. After 6 weeks he said he couldn’t do it anymore because I wanted more and he couldn’t give it to me. The thing is I never said I wanted to be his gf or move in or get married. It was just sex, not love, but I thought we at least had a good friendship and he just left. So it’s true in the article that it depends on how each person sees it in their opinion. We recently reconnected and I’m calling the shots this time. Wish me luck!

  9. lynn

    We use word play a lot as people. In a nut shell sex can be casual and just as passionet being in a relationship or not. If your feelings start to come into play then they very well should YOUR HUMAN!! that’s what we do we feel! we all have emotions so there is no need to down play it period. I mean why wouldn’t anyone feel emotions towards someone that can provide them good pleasure??

    In the instance where you’ve been engaged sexually for quite some time with a paticular someone and haven’t discussed or labeled them as being your “significant other” and you would like to then just discuss it. If they are not interested in being your exclusive partner then decide if what your looking for is continued sexual play time or an exclusive partner.

    Don’t kid yourself saying things like “oh he/she is the best I’ve had in a long time” or “it’s hard to find someone that good”. It’s nonesense just move on THERE ARE TONS OF GREAT LOVERS IN THE WORLD. If after you asK to be exclusive and the person says they don’t want to and your ok with that then by all means enjoy your good time becasue as we all know nothing ever really last forever so why deny yourself passion AND GOOD LOVEMAKING?? WE ALL DESERVE IT!

  10. anna

    ( I was wondering what Kelly calls “no drama”… )

    anyway, casual sex to me is surrendering to animal instincts. As humans, I believe we have something more than monkey DNA, and making the decision of having sex only when love and respect is involved helps us find that “Higher”, spiritual part of ourselves.

  11. miss kitty

    I for one have always been in a committed long term relationship…..great sex!!! I have been single for awhile now and decided to stay that way a little longer.I still enjoy sex with my ex.I have made a choice to be free and let go and have crazy unihibited sex with protection with who ever I choose and its liberating and empowering..the greatest thing is no expectations .Im loving it .I was a good girl for way to long .It is all about choice.No shame!!!!

    1. Heather

      Life is too short. I recently spent the night with a neighbour and it was fantastic and freeing. I’m single though recently my ex said he wants to get back…the sex was never as good as it was with the neighbour. I have unashamedly made the decision to see my neighbour on a strictly casual basis because it feels so good! I know he sees one or two other women but I’m happy with the arrangement in the short term. Of course I’m aware and prepared for feelings to go deeper but I expect I’ll cut things when it starts to happen.

  12. kelly

    OMG I am not alone!!! I too feel like a fool, Am I being taken for a ride? ( What a fun ride) I do wish I could meet a man that would be in love with me, for me. And want to do things with me. But it is way sweet haveing a Boy Toy (BT). I am not sure if I would even want him, Full time!! I like seeing him a few times a month and still having my freedom. Am I being a bitch?

  13. lyn

    i am 46 yrs old and have a boy friend younger than me he is only 33 yrs old ,,,,we are now 2yrs with a happy together with this relation,,, i feel that i love him,,,,and i feel that he love me also,But i feel guilty to think that i keeping him,,,i try to talk with him to find another woman younger than me ,,,but he answered ,,,i do not care about age ,,,as long i am happy with u.,,,,IS THIS A CASUAL SEX?>>>>>

  14. kirchy

    hmmm…i think its addiction…and time wasted.Maybe if time was used another way something useful,this may not be happen.Casual sex hurts,emotions,energy,effort, is still giving away!though no string attached but i think one way or another one is using the other.

  15. Geanina Medana

    i liked how clear and concise. very well put, very impressive in it’s common sense clarity and truth-of-the-matter logical solutions to problems that high emotions make difficult to keep level headed about.

    i do believe it to be true, self sustaining long term chemistry is what sediments feelings of loving and being loved, and all we can do is try to find it, and have courage to accept the truth and move on when we don’t. it’s a selection process, that’s why they call it ‘finding the right person’, and not ‘making-the-right-person’.

  16. Judy

    I don’t even like the sounds of “casual sex.” To me it means just a lustful, “in the moment,” non-emotional action between two people completely dismissing any real feelings, any type of morality, any committment to one another. To me it takes away the “sacred-ness” of what I think two people should have together when they are giving their bodies up to one another. It is not a “casual” thing to me, and if a woman allows it to continue, then she should demand some sort of monogomy and exclusiveness to the relationship.

  17. Mr. Stewart

    My wife and I have not slept together in 2 years … What’s up with
    That? She a Libra and I a kind Taurus man.

  18. Irene

    Casuaul Sex, what a joke! If you don’t wanna get burned, don’t play with fire! Why do people share their body so freely with anyone? Have they no respect for themselves? save your selves for someone who actully will love you, or forget about it!!!!! Think more of yourslef!!!!

  19. kelly

    I met a man, well he met me, He ask me if I was married, I told him no. A boyfriend, No. I asked him the same, with the same answers. After about a month or so we had sex, After he and I being together abot 4 or 5 times. He told me he had a girlfriend…. But that they hadn’t been together for 3 months. I started backing away, Big time telling him not to come over. Being a man he would come by were I work ( at a Quick stop ). I be came the other woman, he became my Boy Toy…
    One night he called me, from jail, a DUI in front or my house. I went and picked him up the next am. He stayed at my house for 10 days. He did have a house and I drove him and all his things to it. I left to go to my sons 21st bday party. I came back 2 days latter. With a bad hang over. He called me, to tell me his girlfriend was on her way to my house, He begged me to lie, and tell her we hadn’t sleept to gether. I did, he then told her the truth. I backed out. DONE!! But he never gave up. About 4 months ago we started seeing/sleeping together. His girlfriend moved to another state.
    Its been 2 years now and I still call him my Boy Toy, no strings, I like it kinda. I have been single for 6 yrs. This is nice, No drama, or BS. Is this casual sex or what??? Or should I give up and try to stay away????

  20. Ally

    This article was interesting. I recently experienced a night of extreme passion w/ a scorpio. I don’t know if this qualifies as “casual sex” as we met and went on a date the week before. It wasn’t planned but protected. Logically, I wanted to wait and get to know him better. But our sexual energy was so strong and frankly it had been a long time for both of us. He even shared that we were astrologically sexually compatible (94 out of 100). We both agreed that if we were any more compatible, we may have burnt each other to a

    Anyway, besides giving and receiving pleasure, I know now that it was also a sexual healing and a gift. Immediately after sex he was cuddling with me…holding my hand while walking me to my car. I thought that was very sweet. But the next day, I was hard on myself for not being more in control. Failure, what does he think of me,blah, blah, blah…A week later, he acknowledged that it was probably the best sex of his life but it was too soon and he’s “beating” himself up. I shared that although it happened sooner than planned, it was an extraordinary night and why “shoulda,coulda,woulda”. We’re human. How about giving ourselves a “do-over” and get to know each as friends? It was awkward. He sent me a text the next day saying that the energy is too intense right now, he feels wiped out and he needs a break. Go figure…So, I’m respectfully giving him his space.

    Anyone have any thoughts? What just happened? Can two people recover from a night of passion that turns into shame/guilt and build a friendship? Which was the original intent. If so, how.

  21. karen

    casual sex whats that. i have been in a relationship like this fir 7 years. adn you cant tell me that their isnt deeper feelings. i cAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES EVERTIME WE ARE TOGETHER. ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HE CARES ABOUT ME DEEPLY HE HAS NEVER SAID THE 3 WORDS. BUT THEN NIETHER HAVE I. I THINK WE ARE BO5TH SCARED TO SAY IT BUT I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND WE ARE FINE WITH IT.

  22. gahnzo

    Kutie, if you equate having sex with washing your floors… I feel bad for you… really really bad….. you must be doing it wrong.. really really wrong… lol

  23. loraine

    There is no such thing as casual sex without emotions or
    feelings getting involved sooner or later especially if it is with the
    same partner. Although there are some men more so then women
    who can do this as most men just want to get laid!!!!!!!!

  24. zarra

    ok i mean really casual sex was never casual its sex no matter how many times or when u have it so instead of wrighting lovly littlearicles go out and get laid

  25. Diane Crane

    Once again, casual sex may give you something you hadn’t planned on : pregnancy or a dose of something else besides heightened emotional escape! HE should be wearing a condom! Unptrotected sex is not an option, especially if you don’t know each other very well.

  26. Cristiana Anton

    oh yes, people !! let’s all just have pure sex and just see it as it “should be: a shared intimate experience between two human beings.”, as Ms. Mikos says. and nothing more. wow, isn’t that insightful ?..

  27. Kutie

    I don’t agree with this whole premise…….casual sex should not even exist…what’s the point of having sex (aside from pregnancy) if it isn’t held up with highest regard and considered an “extra” special emotional or non-emotional experience…otherwise, you might as well treat the experience the same way you would as if you were washing your floors!!!!!


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