He’s Such a Jerk, But I Love Him

Why Women Love Jerks

We’ve all heard it said before and maybe we are the ones saying it: “He’s such a jerk, but I love him.” It’s unfortunately an all-too-common story—the kind of story that makes you want to scream, “Snap out of it!” Let’s break down this tale of woe into manageable chapters and identify the characters:

The Jerk

He’s manipulative, deceitful and probably a player. His talent is identifying a person’s weaknesses and exploiting them for his benefit. Though adept at isolating his prey, he doesn’t really warrant a chapter—a warning label would be more appropriate.

The Jerked

She’s sad, and when The Jerk rejects her or puts her down, she feels lost and alone in a wilderness of emotion. She justifies his poor behavior because “no one understands him” the way she does. She tells herself that he’s just trying to make her a better person. She protects and defends him from all the Doubting Thomases in her life. When he’s being a jerk, she’ll call you to vent. Eventually though, her insecurities and feelings of emptiness drive her back to him. She always goes back—every time. But she’ll never call you back once the skirmish is over. She’s too busy relinquishing her pride in the name of love.

Don’t give up your pride for love. Get a love reading from Psychic Chastity ext. 5403 and see who is waiting to love you!

The Sounding Boards

Now all of the friends, family and everyone she typically complains to start to hate him, even if they’ve never met him. It’s obvious to them that this is an unhealthy and obsessive union. They’re also worried about, disappointed in and somewhat angry with her for ignoring their advice and fatefully repeating the same mistakes.

She brings out the maternal instincts in those who want to embrace her and console her—that is, at first. After a few episodes, the drama gets old and they just want to throw a bucket of cold water over her head. She’s infuriating, yet they tread lightly because they don’t want to hurt her further. They want to get her out of this vicious and ridiculous cycle.

“If you carry old burdens and old vicious cycles, you may attract relationships you need to learn and grow from instead of a long-term love.” – Psychic Mona ext. 5190

The Problem

The problem lies in her lack of self-love. She’s become this needy, dependent drip of a girl who barely resembles the girl her friends and family loved and knew pre-Jerk. She resists all forms of guidance. She’s worn down and defensive. She lashes out at those who want to help her and proclaims, “I know, he’s such a jerk, but I love him.” She also has no idea what real love is.

The Solution

The solution is unconditional love. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will accept a helping hand. As difficult as it may be to watch, that’s when she’ll really need you most—when she realizes she’s just been blinded by false love and driven by her insecurities. Let her feel the anger because it will inspire her to heal. Remind her that no one deserves poor treatment.

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With support, she’ll grow stronger each day and soon she’ll hardly believe she ever said, “He’s such a jerk, but I love him.”

54 thoughts on “He’s Such a Jerk, But I Love Him

  1. jen

    I have done so much for the jerk and he doesn’t even see it! Almost six years of wasted time. The story describes me perfect…but my story is so embarrassing because i have given so much to him…money, time, but most of all my love only for him to leave me one morning after having sex to meet at the church to marry someone else…the supposed “crazy ex”. Big slap in the face…then calls me in two months telling me he screwed up and loved and needed me…so once again i take him back.its a constant back and forth between her and i. Haven’t talked to him for 3 weeks, he went back to her again to another state. He feeds her head full of bull crap too. Ive decided to move on and not look back. Had a really bad day monday but read this and now know i wasnt the only played like this although my heart goes out to each one of you!!! Jenny

    Reply
  2. Chris

    I am going through all of this and more. I wish I could stop communication but we have a baby together. So it makes it harder. We can’t get along. But when we are apart he reels me back in to him. All the while sleeping with other women. He will lie and say he wants only me and that we are back together. Then I find phone numbers and texts. Of course he lies about what I have found. Feels the guilt and will tell me it’s over. Then we get back together. I do seek counseling and have a wonderful family. But I can’t get away from this abusive man. He is physically. Mentally and verbally abisive. Never accepts the fact he is abusive. Says its my fault. There is so much more. Bottom line how do you forget someone you think you love when you have to see them and talk to them because of a child? To keep the conversation about our child only is hard. When we break up he makes sure to tell me he is dating. He hates me and to leave him alone. Only to call 2 weeks later and want me back. I have no self control to say no. Really. I think I hang on because I don’t want to see him dating another girl in a serious relationship. Though I know he cheats I don’t see the women. Sounds crazy. And I guess I am crazy. I pray a lot. But I know God will not help me if I do not try. And do not try to help myself. I am insecure and have no self worth due to the emotional abuse. Who wants a woman with three young children? At my age. 42. Most men are done raising their kids and want a woman that can get up and go anytime. And they don’t want baggage. So the thought of being alone while he runs around and has fun kills me. So for five years I have kept this vicious cycle. And I can’t move on because I have a hard head. I pray for all of us women going through this in hopes we find our strength.

    Reply
  3. LJ

    Dear PDL … first, let me say that I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain. I was glad to see you said you’re getting your husband help – it’s likely he feels badly about himself and is lashing out at you – it’s chemical and physical and emotional – that’s hard on anyone. It’s also very hard on you, so I would say you should also take care of your own well-being and talk to someone who can help you release some of it – the burden. Things always change, and while I feel you can both find help and find a way back towards happiness, it will never be quite the same as it was in the beginning – no relationship lasts without change of some sort. The initial feelings we have naturally changes over time – whether they grow or diminish is for you to decide. But I do hope that you’ll find some time for yourself to step away even for an hour a day – and try journaling to release the toxins and ease the mind. I’m rooting for you.
    LJ

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  4. PDL

    My spouse, has depression, anxiety and ocd issues and is deaf. In the beginning all was great couldnt have asked for a better friend, love and spouse. But then after a yr of marriage and 6 yrs of dating things slowly changed. He was on meds to quit smoking and the doc put him on this while was on Prozac. Needless to say since then he got argumentive, needy, moody and things in the bedroom slowed down big time. He got to where he brought up his past hurts and we hardly talked with arguing. I got him in and getting him help. Things slowly started to get a lil better but not as before when we met. Well, then he got hurt had back surgery, his job dropped him and he is unable to work to now. He is home all day and sleeps a lot when not moody and starting arguments. I have a son prior marriage and he has none. Things were good but now he talks bad stuff throwing it my face a said I shouldve taught my son better and more which I think I did pretty darn good since my ex threatened me in many ways. But now hes slowly going back to the argueing moody blaming ways. Counselor said cus he is deaf and no longer work he feels needy but it has taken a toll on me and our marriage and not for the good. I am unhappy more than happy and all I wanted was to be happy, loved and know someone is there for me instead of always me there for others. I feel Im getting depressed and the stress from all of this over last 3 yrs has caused lots of weight and having a hard time getting it off. No will power, energy nothing and no help. I pray a lot.

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  5. LJ

    Stephanie – your success story can be everyone’s story – life is a series of lessons, we either learn and move on or stay trapped in one class, with one subject and a teacher who isn’t very supportive. Congratulations Stephanie – nothing feels better than knowing who you are and finding what it takes to make you happy.
    LJ

    Reply
  6. stephanie

    i once had a jerk as described! however once i found out how to love myself, i also found out that his love, wasnt love at all! with that being said ive moved on, and have found truelove within myself!

    Reply
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  8. LJ

    oops, hit “send” too soon – thanks to Gina for your constant support of my article and also all of the people you help. It’s people like you who really can make a difference in someone’s life.
    LJ

    Reply
  9. LJ

    Dear Readers: I’m blown away by the responses, but more than that I’m sad for those going through this. I wanted to write this article because I know it’s a hot subject, but I had no idea to what extent. I also wanted to write this because this article is about something that I lived through myself. Who better to understand you all than someone who’s been there, done that. And to the guys … yes, there are relationships where the tables are turned, so believe me I feel for you all – guys and girls. I can admit this without shame because I truly believe that this is indicative of those moments in life where you have to stand up for yourself and say “I deserve better,” because you do. You all do. Having a support system in your life can make it easier, but if you’re determined to feel better and live the life you were meant to live – the life we were all meant to live, one of more joy than sadness – you can get free of a bad situation by summoning your own strength. Just recognizing yourself or someone you know in this article is the first step towards liberation and self-love. If you’re a friend – help your friend. Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment and in return, I’m sending good vibes – love and strength to you. Make your happiness the priority in your life. Find your authentic self and celebrate her or him. 🙂
    Love to you all,
    LJ

    Reply
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  11. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Great article LJ…..

    I read for many like this that you described so accurately in your article…..I have great compassion for these people, and usually , over time, when they get fed up of being mentally, emotionally, and even physically abused, they start to listen to me….as I guide them out.

    Reply
  12. mary

    ln response to susan… you are right about unconditional love but even God doesnt want us to stay in abusive relatioships & lose our idenity. we can love them unconditionally & pray for them, only it needs to be from a distance. God doesnt want us to become a shell & seeminly empty withoin. the problem is we start to identify ourselves only thru this individual & lose who we are. God wanyts us whole & productive. not co dependant with someone who wont accept help. l sought counseling & everything l cld think of. he also made an attempt at counseliong, but it didnt help him for long. we just brought out the worst in each other. God says if someone refuses to change shake the dust frpom ur feet & keep walking. true that he was wonderful to take care of my physical needs but the emotional comntrol over me wasnt worth it. yes, l had my problems to. he wld push & push till l wld lose my temper & thats not good. i can only assume it made him feel less guilty if he cld get me to act badly. there was also physical abuse. l know God didnt want me in that. yes, l love him but its getting much easier on me. we dont communicate & l think that is best. best regards susan, mary

    Reply
  13. and CINDY CHANEY

    Its worse than that for me but every detail is almost exactly as described. I am her. I love one part of him and it is a part that is very small in comparison to the whole relationship. Although the part is getting a little by little a bit bigger it is not near enough and I am still there. I cant seem to let go and it is to the point its life threatning for me and I am still there. Wish I can identify exactly what it is i stay for? Its beyond anything I ever have done or believed. I have it seems like unconditional love for a very undeserving man and I do have a family that loves me. So how does this fit into my life and why is he still in my heart and life??? Sadly and embarassing I dont know why I cant leave.

    Reply
  14. Cathy

    Article is bang on. My jerk is to the curb. I gave it my best shot(s). The comments are great too. Immaturity and insecurities, as well as, fear drive these Jerks. They are frightened that you may find out what they are truly all about. Mine started getting physically abusive because he lost his control of me. He still claims innocence. Everyone else is to blame. No chance to grow and mature without ownership of your problems. I live on and love myself sucka.

    Reply
  15. carmen

    i am going through the same thing i have been married to a man gor three years. the man i married at the beginning he was great but has to much baggage. he was married before and the same pattern that happen in his first marriage is now happen is mines i am confuse but yes i do love my husband. he drink not everyday but when he drink he vent on the pass and a fight develop. my family wants to hurt him but i try not to involve them in our problems.

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  16. sharon

    Yeah. I thought just like you do Susan, until the controlling jerk decided to hit me and then I left. You know what he did then? He fixed the breaks on my car and tried to kill me. Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk and we just have to face the fact that no matter how bad we feel about ourselves we still deserve better/

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  17. Cheyenne

    I want them to send one on abuse. I have never ever ever n my life been abused but I just want to c how it is so that when I have a relationship with an abusive man thn I’ll know what to do.

    Reply
  18. Sophia

    It seems like the two most common responses to a jerk (male or female) is unconditional love or leave. I have a third. First unconditionally love yourself. If you do, you are less susceptible. Once I was jerked around and then thought, “No person is worth the loss of my self-esteem.” So if I feel anyone (lover, girlfriend, boss, neighbor, etc) wants me to compromise myself and self-worth, they are not the person for me. Then set boundaries and see if they get it. If they don’t move on. You can love some one and let them go as well as love yourself. We can’t control others, nor do we have to stop loving them. But we may need to stay away from them and find people more capable of loving another. It isn’t necessarily an either or proposition. Also the more you coddle them they won’t grow up and neither will you. It’s a disservice to both of you.

    Reply
  19. Mary

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
    But that’s allright because I Ike the way it hurts.
    Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.
    But that’s allright because I love the way you lie.
    Love the way you lie.

    Reply
  20. debbie

    omg! this is exactly what is going on . last night was horrible! made a choice to get a divorce. I was driving on my way to work this morning and thinking he’s a jerk! all day. glad to know that I;m not the only one feeling this way. I gave him so many chances for 5 years!! got to get out of this vicious cycle. Its emotionally draining!

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  21. deonne

    currently going through this situation with a man that pursued me every time he saw me over the last 20 years since high school. i avoided him for a reason that i can’t explain, maybe intuition. but after 20 years of being chased, he saw me in a store one day and i was vulnerable. i was married and it was going very badly. i needed a friend and wanted some happiness. i thought if somebody had chased me for this long, maybe i should try. i’ve always considered myself smart, but at 40 years old, this was the worst and most painful breakup i’ve ever experienced. you expect people to be kinder and more mature as they get older. but it’s not true. i prey for those with heartbreak because it’s a real pain that’s sometimes embarrassing to even talk about.

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  22. Soul4Real

    I was thrown back reading this article, I had a jerk but “God” intervene and I thank him everyday. If a person love themselves they won’t put up with a jerk because they love themselves to much. A lot of women never had a father in their lives because a father is the first man in a daughter life. He’s the one who will show her how a man is suppose to treat her without him in her life, she really don’t know what to expect from a man. In this world there is no unconditional love, there was one person who had this type of love and that was “Jesus Christ” who gave his precious “Life” up for all people! Can you find one person who will give their life up for you? No! This is a “Narcissistic” generation today and they are very “Selfish” people and they make your life “Hell”! To all who have been with a “Jerk” start putting that love you have for that “Jerk” into “Yourself”. Today, I’m “Free” from that “Jerk” who I was with and “I Love Me”! “God” bless you all and I hope that one day you come into the “Light”! Don’t sell your “Soul” for “False” love…get true “Love” from “God” by loving yourselves….

    Reply
  23. enonimous

    this is soo weird because this explained exactly what im goin through with my boyfriend ritenow that i have been with for a long time and it really does hurt to love someone that treats u like nun one day and than treats you good another day. its very confusing

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  24. Marsha

    Hi everyone ! Please dont take this wrong ? But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one suffering from heartache And loneliness !! I’m praying for everyone that all of yours lives will get better !! Amen !! Oxox

    Reply
  25. Suzan

    Unconditional love is love for another human being regardless of their behavior or the effect that behavior has on you. Each of us is responsible to ourselves and our loved ones.Whether or not a person is faithful,worthy,or true has no bearing on whether they deserved to be loved.The more a person acts like a “jerk” the more that person usually needs someone who truly understands without being a care-taking codependent.True love is patient,kind,does not bear grudges,suffers long,believes the best and endures come what may.God is unconditional love and through His love,we can be loving without fear or anxiety.The most loving action you can have for someone is to pray for their health and well being.

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  26. Niko baby

    Yup, describes my sitch to a T. On one level I’m totally aware that ending it is the right thing to do, however, how can I feel so strongly and unconditionally about this jerk?
    For example, I really enjoy cooking, etc. for him and I can say that he is the only guy I have ever felt this way about. I’m 47 and have been married twice before….I resented every ounce of energy I put out to cook or clean for those guys

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  27. Ferol

    I glanced at this horoscope of mine today…it describes everything to a “T” the hopeless romantic, co-dependent, the fixer tried everything for my said relationship… talk about blow, I still feel the earth quake effect, the self loathing, or what “if” game.. but I had to look deep within myself & ask “what I got in return?” I could not fill in the blank.. I jumped into this relationship right before I got a divorce.. this man had a smile on his face, a good conversationlist, boy did he wow me.. when I would confront him on his lies, he would leave for weeks, reappear, then I married the jerk,we were married for two years, with the same ole behavior here today and gone tomorrow… I even contracted a sexual disease from him..then in my mind everything went down hill.. the reason I held on was because he had lost him mother and he was grieving her death.. But then I made a big choice in my life to end this emotional roller coaster of the said marriage… Even when I made this change don’t get me wrong, I still have feelings for him, but for me to be who I am and be honest with myself I had to move forward. Sometimes God gives us the opportunity to see what others miss… But I am evaluating my position about me and stop putting my value on the bottom of the list when I find a real relationship that is evenly adjusted with both in mind of the other.

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  28. lovable

    Alot of men are jerks, but do we really know what love is, or how to appreciate someone, even though they’re wrong for what they do to women.To me, we have to learn in ways that will wake us up, to see how life should be. Sometimes, we get put in a certain position, to learn is he really the one that i need in my life.Asking ourselves is this who God wants us to be with? Just because, we do something wrong, shouldn’t mean that we have to pay for a man being a jerk. Then we still end up loving them after all they put us threw. What kind of nonsense is that? If you love a women, you love her! If you appreciate a women you appreciate her, for who she is,if it’s true love than you hold onto it, and let that jerk know that ya’ll can make it threw.

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  29. Ligaya Williams

    I identify so much with this article. I just hour out of a relationship for the last time with this guy I was dating for almost 5 years. I was making excuses for his behavior and tolerated them because he is so handsome Anna knows how to heighten my sexual energy. I always tried to exempt myself having knowledge of past girlfriends that somehow show up and I refused to admit being anything like them. It want until he explained his position with the other girl that it finally hit me. Maybe his feelings are the same towards me! I had thanked him for the information and instructed him not to make any more orders. I feel used and a little stupid but this will pass eventually. I am glad that I didn’t retaliate in any form or cause harm in reaction to the ongoing behavior. I have become a person who truly understands what unconditional love really means and where the line should be drawn. I do hope no one ever has to experience such pain as I had.

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  30. Laurie

    HES SUCH A JERK. Lying and cheating on us both..And leaving me with all the hurt and confussion.They truly dont get what there cheating actions do to hurt so deeply.

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  31. mary

    l was in a marriage 2 a man for 23 yrs & while we had thhe usual relationship issues 2 deal with, we truly loved each other. l lost him 11 years ago & found myself widiowed at 40. darkest period of my life! i still miss him everyday. Afterwards l made the mistake of falling for a man l thought loved me but he was everything described as a jerk….. Head games, manipulation, verbal abuse & womanising. l put up with it off & on for 7 years. he is 60 & still is stumped emotionally like a juvenile. doesnt know anything about committment or unconditional love. l really pity him more than anything! As one of the other bloggers wrote he just cant stand it that l dont need him anymore. He was very controlling of me & never appreciated anything l did fior him. Very narcissic. By the way, his mother is that way as well. Guess thats why l pity him because hes too bloind to see it & has nothing to do with his mother because she is like that. Hows that for parodoxal? l was married for 23 years before l lost my husband so l feel that l can speak woith some authority concerning this. Larry & l worked thru our differences & raised two very well adjusted daughtetrs. Family meant everything to us. l feel so blessed to have the memories of our lives together. As for james l hope someday he ll be at peace with himself but l dont see it forthcoming. He lives in denial & blames everyone else. lm not perfect but l do try to better myself…. Maruy

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  32. melissa barrios

    this is strange i had a very bad day yesterday with th father of my baby he did exactly what this post said but then he came home

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  33. shelba

    Nail on the head.. accurate information..i have lived and loved like that all my life..grateful that it’s never too late to grow and forgive yourself.. learning to love myself and make healthy choices is the best gift i can give to me.. love the article!!..:-)

    Reply
  34. cindy clement

    my twin sister carrie passed away last year I miss her so much we did everything togerther I just wish I could talk to her again

    Reply
  35. Margie

    I understand this completely. Been in a off and on again relationship for over 30 years with this type of person.

    Reply
  36. Jo

    But how long does one have to wait until they hit rock bottom? I have a friend going through this, she just had a baby and I thought she would realize what a jerk he is and focus on the kid. Not happening.
    Very frustrating!!

    Reply
  37. nic

    I am a guy, and yes the solution is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and a jerk doesn’t have a gender, so this could go for both sexes ( why relationship writers always forget US, guys and what make them think we are not as sensitive to manipulation, deceitful behavior and players. It is so hard to have a straight face to face kind of communication in these days and age , where everything that is technology could brings together but it doesn’t. Also the best advice a good old friend ever told me about relationship that seals all kind of problems is she said “nic, when u love someone u SAY IT and make her feel like she is the only one” as an artist I started to give priority to my lover and carefully and not in a rude way started to get the point, my fans and admirers and even my family who loved me very much yes, but my heart had other kind of lessons to learn on its own, and yes I learned it was a big mistake my lover was not just anyone in my life but someone extremely important for spiritual growth so I started to listen to my heart and no one else’s advice. True love shouldn’t make you doubt, it’s a feeling of JOY. I’m ready. Is she ? 🙂

    Reply
  38. Tonya

    He’s such a jerk/ but I love him :
    This blog is a true testimonial as I have seen it a billion times before…. However, I must say that not every woman believes he’s even a jerk and most of the men are this way because that’s how they’ve always assumed relationships were suppose to go. I know so many men and women that have a crazy idea of what love is or should be based on a lot of different reasons. I’m hoping they do an article or blog on something about men and women who think they are living in ” normal” relationships but in all reality have never been in a free and happy and commited relationship to know what one looks or feels like. But, this story mentioned above is so accurate that it’s scary. It’s compared to an addiction and I fear they are correct because there are so many women out there that don’t know how wonderful they are and to know they deserve way better!!!

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  39. MLG

    The Jerk

    He’s manipulative, deceitful and probably a player. Remove probably and that’s the description of a true jerk!

    The Solution

    The solution is unconditional love. If the jerk do not relent, leave and move on with your life! He would probably get on to his next prey. Jerks feel no remorse.

    Reply
  40. Patricia Alden Mount

    4/17/2013
    great analysis.
    I’m called a low-maintenance woman and am expected to caretake others’ without any compensation at all.
    some of them are relatives of men I thought I started a communications company with but they don’t even call or write!!!!

    Reply
  41. silvia

    The jerk….so true I suffered this for 5 yrs only to end up alone and enjoying it!! No one to make me feel small and contrling in my life I was finally able to stand on my own and he hates the fact that I don’t need him.
    I have 2 yrs later met someone very special and now see the big difference between real love and respect…and the control freck I was married to.
    I hope many people read this and get out with some pride and that the experience ,makes them stronger as it has me…..

    Reply
  42. Connie Jaeger

    I have been on match and was to go to lunch to meet someone. He did not call and confirm was wondering if something went wrong or did he decide he does not want to meet me. Talked on the phone a couple of times and seems we have alot in common. Connie

    Reply
  43. Marsha

    This is so true ! I do this everyday for a husband that drags me down and continues to make me sad , lost , hurt and lonely ! Because he never learned how to truely love a wonderful woman such as myself !! But out of every bad lessons a rainbow comes so to speak ! So I’m glad I had this lesson it strength me to realize who I’m and what I can do and be with the storms I indure from hurt !! Life’s a journey and full of disappointment but you got to go though it sometimes to realize what you are made of ….

    Reply
  44. Mary

    Love this. It happened to mr and didnt see it because I thought I loved him so much. Getting over it now. Wish I had seen this article earlier but better late than never. Thanks!

    Reply
  45. Judith Brusini

    We great together in our teens years lost for more then 30 came back unhappy in his marriage four yrs we get together again and then crys he still lovers his wife even though he has not been intimate relationship

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  46. Eli

    All are truth…. he is a reall jerk, but I love him.
    Every body got tired over me and screaming at me to leave him, and he is countinue to put me down and still I love him as he was the first onee who came in my life. That was the problem : (

    Reply

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