Is Monogamy Hardwired?

I listened to an interview this morning with an author who gave her opinion on sex, relationships and marriage, and then went on to say how monogamy is unnatural, that human beings are simply not wired to be that way at all, and that this is the reason the divorce rate and cheating rate are so high.

I’ve heard this many times over the years and, quite honestly, I really do believe that some people definitely aren’t wired to be monogamous. I personally don’t care if a person is monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous or asexual. What I’m not happy about, though, is so-called “experts” proclaiming how all humans are wired, and how unnatural it is for all of us to be one way or the other. My personal opinion about why the divorce and cheating rate are so high has very little to do with how the human race is hardwired.

I’m hardwired to be monogamous. I don’t know if it is my cultural upbringing, my beliefs, church conditioning, astrology, genes or some random coincidence, and honestly, I don’t care. What I do take offense to is that people feel a need to cite maybe one scientific study that they have read, and then proudly proclaim, “THIS IS THE WAY IT IS!” I take offense to anyone belittling or insulting another who doesn’t conform to the way they feel we should all be.

Maybe I’m just simply jealous. Maybe I never did evolve to the point where I could watch my mate having sex with another. Maybe I cannot overcome my “conditioning” to feel nothing but hurt and humiliation when the one I loves sleeps/has slept with another. But this is who I am. I will never change my mind on that and, quite frankly, I’m not interested in changing my mind about it either. Unlike many people, male and female, I do not randomly form bonds with people, and I am absolutely incapable of having casual sex. This is simply the way I am built.

I don’t care if people happily live with many partners – I just don’t like being told that I’m not evolved enough within our species because I choose to be monogamous and would be unable to remain with an unfaithful partner. So please, please don’t spread your generalized notions of the human race out there, while calling it an expert study.

Actually, the newest studies from anthropologists suggest that human beings are much more hardwired to be monogamous. What do you think?

14 thoughts on “Is Monogamy Hardwired?

  1. Pingback: Cheating Is in Our DNA | California Psychics Blog

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  3. benjiemo

    I’ve had several different types of relationships–one night stands, friends with benefits, room-mates, etc.–and I found within myself that I am wired for monogamy. Nothing wrong with my other types of relationships, but I believe I evolved into monogamy. I like being the one and only and loving a ‘one and only.’ If the relationship has run it’s course (as in my first marriage), then have the conversation. It will be painful, but with honesty and openness, both parties can leave and find love again without carrying a lot of baggage. Don’t complicate matters with cheating and blame the other person for your unhappiness–that’s dirty pool. I agree that people should not be boxed into categories. I thank all the men that I have loved for helping me to come to my self knowledge and I hope that others will be able to admit and embrace their life whether monogamous or otherwise. Just own up to who you are upfront and give other people the chance to decide if they can handle it or not.

    Reply
  4. inanna49

    Hi Carmen,

    Thanks for your insights. I believe that many people are hardwired for monogamy, but there are also others who aren’t. Although I see much written here about monogamy, I’m only seeing cheating and unfaithfulness as its alternative. I would like to state that there is such a thing as multiple faithful long-term relationships. If everything is done out in the open, with the full understanding and consent of everyone involved, there can be neither cheating nor unfaithfulness. In polyamory, which is NOT to be confused with swinging, partners are free to bring in new partners, in the context of marriage. Ideally, everyone will get along and they can all live under one roof. In real life, sometimes partners may have personality clashes and, to avoid conflict in the home, the partners share more than one household. The key word here is SHARE.

    We live in loving commitment with more than one person. When a new relationship enters the picture, the older relationships are inspired and fortified with the energy of the new love, rather than disintegrated by the dishonesty of sneaking around behind someone’s back, trying not to get caught. It’s a win-win situation.

    It takes a very loving and very secure personality to be in a polyamorous relationship. You have to cast fear to the winds and let love be your guide.

    Thank you for allowing me to share my opinions with you.

    En Li Kin Dingirama Dari

    May the light of love be your everlasting halo.

    Reply
  5. seeker48

    This is a very interesting topic. I have been on ‘both sides’ of this. I’m not pleased that I had
    difficulty staying faithful. My marriage ended. I especially liked what Misskrystal had to say.
    Relationships can be complicated. Finding the cause of the dissatisfaction is important.
    I was wondering if Misskrystal does readings? If so, how can she be contacted?

    Reply
  6. littlewish

    I agree that there are differences in the human race with regards to monogamy. I do have the feeling that there is so much more divorce, separation, cheating etc than perhaps in the past because I think, and I am looking at the many venues in which I move, that there is a serious shift occurring. Most folks here on Cal Psy are very aware of this shift into a newer consciousness. I think that this shift is making it more clear that there is a significant change in people’s consciousness and folks who have been married or with someone for a long time and find that they are not satisfied and therefore do things like cheat is a way of stating the fact that they are not happy. I don’t know any stats, but I cannot imagine the majority of folks who cheat don’t get caught. I think that is the lower consciousness kicking in and rather than take the enlightened approach of truly dealing with the issue, cheating occurs and the marriage fails. I think cheating on your loved one is not about monogamy, but about the feeling of lack in oneself. I have been married, separated for 5 years due to financial and kids etc have just gotten down to the final pieces of divorce, and I cannot wait to be a part of a union with one person that fulfills me. My soon-to-be-ex will have now been divorced twice and his pattern of behavior was clear. Both I and the first wife experienced the same sort of behavior from him and his feelings of lack in himself get expressed in ways that do not help a marriage stay healthy. I don’t expect that being married or committed to someone will be easy all the time, but I certainly do have a much better sense that I want to be with a person who wants to move this world forward to a higher consciousness. I want to be a part of a commitment with one other person that explores all areas of communication, working things out until I become a more evolved person. I value the hard work that a couple encounters when overcoming successfully any challenges to their union. It creates so much more positivity in this world and I think is truly the way things are going. Those who have been in relationships where their partner have been given a gift of sorts. It is a wake up call to the commitment and there are many who have awoken to find themselves in a place far better than they were before and finding people with whom they can be that also helps the higher good of the union and the world. We here in this time in history are so fantastically lucky to be alive and present to see this massive shift that monogamy will not be as important a question as it had once been. It will be more of an oddity 50 to 100 years from now. It may seem strange for a person to say this, but I believe it to be true. Things always become much more intense and worse before a change for the better and that is where I feel the world is headed. We are headed to GOOD TIMES!

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  7. donna

    Some of the comments here were very interesting. It seems to me the people who have cheated for what ever their reason, are nearly or completely unconcious. The reason I say that is they cheat because they only care about what their needs are and have not a care in the world who they hurt or how they go about hurting someone else. I would say they are completely unconnected and have to have that physical connection with anyone and everyone just so they can have the concious feeling every once in a while. Just a thought.
    Excellent, article Carmen.

    Reply
  8. Carmen Hexe

    Thank you for the kind remarks! However, I want to point out that this article is not about judging what is right or what is wrong. Quite on the contrary!! I wrote this article to point that each and every one of us has the right to choose. We cannot force our will on another and we cannot proclaim that “all” are wired to be one way or the other.

    The whole point of this was not to push who I am. I stated who I am to demonstrate that this is how I am wired, pointing out that therefore I cannot change who and what I am.

    Not being monogamous is neither wrong, nor is it anything one should judge. What bothers me is that people need to put a justification behind their actions, by claiming that we are wired to be a certain way. This notion, to me, is bogus!

    And yes, Maryanne, anthropoligists have figured out that evolution actually made us monogamous, exactly for the reasons you mentioned: survival of the species 🙂

    Reply
  9. maryannex9146maryannex9146

    Hi, Carmen,

    Thank you-a huge thank you. I agree with you about an “expert” pontificating that one set of expectations or thought processes is “just the way it is” for all of us. I do not feel that any one set of thoughts or reactions applies to all humans, all parakeets, all kittens, etc.

    Personally, I do feel that the majority of human beings are much more hardwired to be monogamous. Of course, those who are not get much more “press” than those who are. It is my opinion that monogamy may be the result of something as simple as survival of the species-putting together a “family” unit to make certain infants and small humans grow to be adult humans or it may be something much more esoteric–I’m not sure.

    I do know for certain, however, that each human is very individual in many, many ways.

    Thanks for an excellent article.

    Sincerely,

    Maryanne
    X9146

    Reply
  10. r0sina1981r0sina1981

    Everyone has their own belief systems and values. I. myself, am hardwired in being monogamous. It is just who I am. I will not offend anyone who feels otherwise because that is their own moral beliefs and choice.
    I honestly don’t believe how someone is raised has anything to do with the fact that they cannot be monogamous. For example, my cousin has issues with cheating and is divorced 3 times already. She grew up around close family who have been monogamous in their marriages. She just has major commitment issues within herself. One cannot be “conditioned” to be faithful or monogamous. I feel psychological factors have a major part in how someone relates with others, platonically and romantically.

    Some choose to not be monogamous and others who aren’t may just have issues that need to be resolved within themselves.

    Reply
  11. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Very interesting, Carmen. I admire your passion and honesty about being true to a partner.
    However, I do feel each situation is unique when it comes to “why” certain people have strayed.

    I have worked with people who admit that they have never been loyal, when it comes to love-I don’t think there is just one generic answer that explains why this type of behavior exists.

    What is common, a lot-at least from what I have observed, in almost 19 years of professional service- When one person finds out that their lover strayed, and is completely crushed…….Not after long, that person goes and “evens the score” (cheating back/getting even)-
    I have seen this A LOT….I am just reporting to you what I have observed.

    One important key ingredient, in order to really help a person, as a reader, is to try my best in order to understand-just “why” certain events have happened. I have helped many victims per this subject. All sides-the cheater, the victim, the “third party”-
    In my readings, we consider “choices”-I will tell you what will happen if you A) take this path or B) take the other path….

    I can understand, for some people, that finding out your partner strayed, could be, “The straw that broke the camel’s back.” By contrast, I have spoke to many people who don’t want to throw all of the years invested away.

    For the record, there are still a lot of people who cheat, and there are also a lot of people who are loyal- no matter what…….Speaking to a psychic can help, whether you are full of temptation, or, if you are trying to work it out with a person who has cheated on you-or you have cheated on them. If there is “will”, then we, as readers, can find a way to make it better for you.

    Thanks for a wonderful post.
    God Bless you,
    Miss Krystal

    Reply
  12. Jacqueline

    Hi Carmen,
    Very interesting article, this is such a personal opinion, either way it doesnt matter to me, what-ever makes you happy, I’m not here to judge anyone, but I do know that there are birds that have one partner for life, so they must be wired a little different. lol…..

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  13. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Carmen,

    I have to agree with you on this……I feel the same way. I think environement and upbringing has alot to do with it though.

    I was raised, ( and mentored to develope my psychic abilities from the early age of 4 yrs old), by my Great-Aunt, a famous psychic herself, who actually knew and worked with Edgar Cayce…..she also helped found A.R.E in Virgina Beach , formerly known as The Edgar Cayce Foundation…but now recognized as The Association For Research and Enlightenment……and my GrandParents had much to do with my upbringing as my Great-Aunt.
    They were very strict about morals and proper behavior of a young lady……and the Universal Law of Karma in general.

    But I do believe, that, in general, humans are hardwired to be monogamous……I feel we have strayed away from our roots and have lost some of our natural basic instincts. I’m reminded of some animal species as I write this…such as some geese, and other animals that mate for life.

    This loss of natural instincts also spills over into other areas such as the way we eat, and the problem with obesity in the country.

    But I do not judge others…….it is part of being a professional psychic to be open and un-biased…..
    As a matter of fact….when I read, I detach from any personal emotions and become an open channel for my guides to come thru…..
    …..kind of like being a talking parrot…..LOL!!! My Guides give the info to me and I pass it on to the client.

    Another excellent article Carmen.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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