How an Affair Can Save Your Marriage

It’s often within the realms of brutal and sensual experience, raw and frantic and desperate, that true salvation can be found. Understanding this is never easy because it demands a stark and unrelenting honesty, a willingness to understand the emotions and frailties of ourselves as human beings… of our greatness and our smallness all at once. I’m often asked if it is possible for marriages to withstand the constant onslaught of stresses and strains of daily life, and do I know of any mystical or magickal secrets that might ensure such success? If one could capture the sensual essence, the hidden key germane to all relationships that stand the test of time, what would it be? I have not often revealed my own answer to this question because it isn’t a popular one overall. It forces people to closely consider their perceptions. But I have seen that there is a certain scenario in some long term relationships that really should be addressed, cannot be ignored, and if understood, just might save a marriage or two in need of some saving … though it may be a bitter pill for some to swallow.

In my work I am privileged to be able to have very candid conversations with people on a daily basis. And I honor that privilege by approaching those conversations with openness and understanding. Mine is a world where there are no taboos, the forbidden is status quo, and the primal forests can be explored without remorse or condemnation. With quiet acceptance I speak to my clients, most often ladies whose marriages have seen horror and rage and sorrow and loss along with companionship and joy… Some walked away and returned, some never walked but wanted to… I have sat with them in dark moments and looked into their souls to see that one time, that one man… Not the husband, not the man she’s been with for twenty years but that “other” man. I ask her to be honest, and often it comes to light that it was this affair, this liaison, this secret passion that saved her marriage.

Some reading this might prefer to think this a rarity, but they’d be very mistaken. In my years of experience I have found that in many long term relationships that manage to remain standing, at some time or another, one partner or the other or both has had some sort of sexual experience outside the marriage. It is usually never spoken of or confessed about. There might be vague suspicions… an intuitive shuddering… but most of the time it is something that happens and then it is done… And many times, it is exactly the thing needed to save the spirit of the person in question, and the marriage in general. It happens most often when the marriage is in a lulled cycle; when passion is low and stress is high. And while women and men seem equally likely to have such experiences, it must be noted that I find it is more often an affair on the woman’s part that saves the marriage, while an affair on the man’s very often ends it. Such extracurricular passions usually come at a time when the partner involved is experiencing boredom and a lack of sensual connection, both with their partner and within themselves.

A lover comes and they desire a taste of the forbidden fruits… for as the Tantrics teach, it is through forbidden passion that true liberation can be achieved. And sometimes it is only with the touch of another that someone manages to continue on when the situation at home has become emotionally drained. They are reborn in that lover’s arms, returning to the marital bed a new creature, recharged and blossoming with rediscovered sexual response that can reawaken the sleeping senses of their mate.

I’ve seen it so many times… the secret that is kept… for the wise ones hold such mysteries close to themselves. Life is a mesh of experience, a string of expressions and interactions. Marriages are not ideal states. They are not static contracts born of tradition and religious edict… They are partnerships, both malleable and vulnerable, and they must bend and flow with the current of time. Marriages are made for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes passion will not exist in even under the best of circumstances. A person who does not know or accept their true nature in all of that might break under such strain, breaking the marriage in the process.

Even if I had not an ounce of intuition, it is often very easy for me to see which marriages will survive and which will fall when an affair comes to light. If the person whose partner had the affair is angered by this “cheating” behavior, expressing a sense of betrayal and moral outrage and seeking “justice” for themselves… I know that this marriage is doomed. It is the person who accepts with grace that pain and catharsis, distance and reunion are natural in human relationships that will have a chance.

I recall as I write now one client, long ago… Sheila, we shall call her. Her marriage was one of comfort, built on a foundation of wealth and security, and her husband was her very best friend in life. As is quite common, after many years, though they made love, there was no spark. She met a dashing fellow who was also married, and she had an affair. During the affair itself, Sheila wanted badly to leave her marriage for this man if she could, but I asked her please not to hurry… Sheila is still with her husband today, and they are still the best of friends. I will hazard to predict that it will still be so twenty years from now. Sheila sees no need to confess any indiscretion committed when her life was dark, dry and in need of rejuvenation. Sheila is happy and safe, and has a renewed sensual interest in herself which has reawakened the admiration she once held for her husband… And her secret is more than safe with me.

30 thoughts on “How an Affair Can Save Your Marriage

  1. how to end an affair

    Actually….that’s what it feels like….but she never says it….and if I mention it….she denies it. Sometimes I think she feels I’m stupid.

    Reply
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  4. riccard707

    Thought I’d better check, but sure enough, this particular psychic (in several other columns), does indeed generally preach jungle ethics, predation and brinksmanship when it comes to love. ‘Nature’ may be the ultimate arbiter of all things, sure–but as humans and spiritual creatures, we should strive for more. You can certainly lower your moral standards (if you have any) and go for the zing–but look out for that bite. The bite can be litigation. The bite can be a disease . . . that puts you on penicillin, possibly damages your uterus and/or puts you in hospice. The bite can certainly be mortal–go ask a cop about domestic violence calls. Love games are dangerous . . . they damage souls, disrupt households and livelihoods, and cause great unhappiness.

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  5. riccard707

    In another column (regarding a monotonous love relationship), Mr. Psychic advises patient sacrifice–but also, just ‘take a younger lover’ to tide you over till it gets better . . . good lord! Again, old-fashioned notions regarding this: it’s a MAJOR dealbreaker i.e. cause for total war, divorce, broken furnishings, etc. But don’t worry about it, player: just keep quiet, make up your own mind when you’re good and ready, keep your partner in the dark, etc. WHERE in the hell did they get this guy?

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  6. riccard707

    I have to concur with the minority view that this is utter madness. Anyone preaching or openheartedly accepting this particularly selfish and cruel type of gospel most likely has a lot to be forgiven for i.e. is a serial cheater–one that doesn’t deserve to be in any sort of serious relationship. The day that AIDS, herpes, hopelessly broken hearts, the urge to murder those that cruelly betray you, etc. vanish from the human race, I’ll consider opening open my mind to these ridiculous ‘new’ concepts. In the old days they just called you a slut or a pig, and that’s still pretty much it.

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  7. mo

    God, what an a-hole this guy is. I have honestly lost respect for California Psychics just on the basis of them having given this aging frat boy a forum to spew his mysogeny.
    I see an awful lot of comments talking about “reality” & “telling it like it is”; but the reality is that unless both halves of a couple agree without coersion to open the relationship, then one person is going to get hurt.
    This pompous prick is always going to defend that though, so I’m done reading his drivel because it justs makes me feel like I’m listening to a drunk executive circa 1962 justifying his jerk behavior.

    Reply
  8. Pingback: Should I have an affair? « things i do for love

  9. redrubyredruby

    I would like to share my story. I was married and met this most wonderful caring man who was also married but he had 2 kids whereas I had none. Our affair grew into a beautiful relationship. He left his wife for me and I left my husband for him. Now it has been 5 years and we are both very much in love. We are also planning for our marriage. The truth here is very simple. If it is just a sexual affair, than the marriage would be still safe BUT if it grows into love..you can say good bye to your marriage whether you have kids or not, or whether you have loved each other for decades. Though my fiance had 2 kids, it did not stop him from leaving his wife for me, yet he is still a very responsible father. He fought for his children’s custody and they are now with him. I am soon to become a step mother. To safe a marriage, you don’t need an affair but effort to be nice to each other. It is when the being nice and caring to each other decreases in a marriage, that’s when your marriage will be in trouble..

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  10. taurusheart

    After reading all of these responses, I feel like I’m the only person who was really bothered by this article. I am left with a sadness in my heart after reading this. Have we become such a selfish society, that we only think of our own wants and needs? Does anyone ever put themselves in someone else’s shoes before acting? I understand that marriage is extremely difficult. I understand that often times people don’t wait long enough before they walk down the aisle to the wrong person for them. There’s a mentality in our society, “well, I can always just get out if I’m not happy later…”. An affair might help the person who is doing it feel better. They might have feelings of guilt afterward sure, they might want to work things out with their spouse and have “feelings of awakened admiration”. But to never confess? To just go on with their renewed sense and live happily every after? This seems so dishonest to me. If you did the act, at least have the respect for your partner to tell them the truth. They then can make their OWN decision to forgive you or not to forgive you, to work things out or not to work things out. But at least give them that choice. And live with the consequences of your choices. The high road is always the hardest road. I just never want to experience the pain of being the one who was cheated on. If you are not happy with your present partner, talk. Try to work things out before crossing that line. If things cannot be helped, end it first. Then sleep with as many people as you want to make you feel more alive if that’s what you need to do. I guess I hold the sacrament of marriage in a much higher regard than most. Please know that I am not judging anyone…some of my closest friends are experiencing this very thing…they are the “other woman”. They know I do not judge them, but their situations make me sad and I want better for them. Again, this article just left me with a very bad feeling…cheating is never the right answer. Cheating was wrong when we were young, cheating is still wrong now that we’re all adults.

    Of course then there’s that whole open marriage concept of which I can’t even fathom… I feel like I belong in a different time. 🙁

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  11. renayj

    As a third party in a relationship that has now been going on for two and a half years: Thank you, Liam. I have read numerous articles you’ve written and they always bring more light and love into my life. You have a way of talking about the most difficult subjects with clarity and grace.
    My situation went against the odds and I found myself leaving my husband while my lover chose to remain with his wife. I have no qualms about his love for me or the ability he still has to care for his wife and children. In fact, I respect him for these choices and encourage him to make his marriage work. I do not need him to leave HER in order to validate his commitment to ME.
    The paradox here is that our definition of marriage is rejected by the populace. We believe that marriage should not be dictated by rules and regulations but embraced by tolerance and acceptance. When it comes to affairs, this is a “bitter pill to swallow” for most including his wife. She does not understand that I am not trying to compete with her. I can’t compete with her. She is the mother of his children and always will be.
    In this life, I have no regrets and I do not try to justify my actions. I do not judge people because I never know someone else’s history or circumstances. Very often people look at the outward appearance of a situation instead of looking into the hearts of the individuals involved. (You never know what goes on behind closed doors unless you’re Liam…)
    There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel extremely blessed. It may be because I was born in the sixties…lol… but, nonetheless, I believe that peace and love should reign supreme.

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  12. Tamara Nicholas

    I think this was very well written. I think you made a very good point about how often the affair the the man in a relationship has will end the relationship, but the affair that the woman in the relationship has will nurture the relationship… You didn’t expand on why that is though. Please allow me. The reason (in my opinion) for this is because men are more primal and their extra marital affairs are based on sex which turn into another relationship of love in some cases. That’s when it ends the relationship.

    Women, in most cases, are emotional beings and need emotional stimulation in order to have sex. They are missing the emotional connection at home and find it with someone outside the home which develops into a sexual relationship. Often times that’s exactly what her partner needs in order to realize what he’s been lacking in the relationship that caused his misses to stray. Men are egotistical, quite often, and when they find that their partner has gone to another for something they are supposed to provide and, especially, want to provide, they get their feathers ruffled. Just like a rooster.

    Anyway, that’s how this viewer sees it and I’ve been on both sides of the fence so I think I have a pretty good idea of how it works… Thanks for listening.

    Reply
  13. tammyz

    This is a very difficult subject for me to swallow right now. I am currently separated from my husband of 27 years (today is our anniversary) because of his cheating. There is nothing more I want than to have my husband back as he is the only man I have ever loved and still love passionately. I don’t understand why he is so angry at me all the time, I am not the one who cheated and is cheating. Wondering if our marriage can be salvaged and saved. Not ready to walk away and give up on us just yet.

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  14. sage

    philip, i agree with your insight. i have experienced being the third party.
    it was so easy to do, he was very attentive, helpful, relentless in persuit of me.
    in my vunerable state, I was used for such as I would call his respite.
    I did not realize it at the time. I would not have gotten involved if I knew his wife personally.
    that should not make a difference I know, and never thought I could go into doing something like this.
    I rationalized that he either didn’t love his wife or was a bad man., and felt he was good.
    now I think he is just flakey. controlled and a wimp to put up with her.
    It ended briefly, he left his wife, proclaimed it was going to be just us now, moved in with me and a week later he packed up and left.
    I was used. he has been the best and worst man in my life.
    there is so much baggage and disfunction in his life. he used my energy to refill his, in turn she suched it out of him. again and again comming to take from me to give to her.
    I believed all the promises. i was and am devistated. But no one ever thinks of the “other ” partner in this.
    I trusted because of the words, I gave benefit of doubt. saw the hardship with my own eyes.
    And now I am afraid to believe anyone. Is this the karma for trying to love someone in need of love and affection? good and bad all in the same.
    I never went looking for this, it came to me and i did not refuse. coud not see what was really happening.

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  15. diadriel

    My gratitude to Liam. One who always reminds me of how to become more “wild and free”, undomesticated, and more of a sacred human being!

    Reply
  16. nicol

    Im so happy to come onto this site and read articles from Liam. It makes me feel less guilty about my thoughts. In the past I have gone to particular sites for help with my chaotic situations only to be judged by absolutely everyone, and so called EXPERTS!! No one knows my background or my hurts. I remember feeling so crap and evil and cast out of society for feelings I knew I could not avoid. Coming on this site has reassured me that I am only human and it is ok for me to think and feel what I feel. And I do feel so much better.

    Thank you. Liam you have saved me. I love your realistic views on life and situations. I look forward to turning to you in times of having to accept and love me for me, no matter how much others fail to understand.

    Reply
  17. pa75

    Liam, you have an incredible writing style and I think your subject matter here is very timely. I call and read with you frequently about my guy, ‘L’ and I spoke with you twice last week; the first time asked what your sign is and the second time meant to ask when your birthday is, forgot (because I was so excited about what we talked about in the reading) but mentioned it in my testimonial, so was glad to see you mention it on this blog. So … happy belated birthday! I told you that your article about the lady and her Italian fellow on Facebook was like poetry, and this article is also. If you’re writing a book, I can’t wait to see it! I was glad to hear that Woodslover thinks you are always accurate, because when your predictions for me come to be, you will likely be the first person I’ll call. I will never, ever forget your guidance and friendship in getting me through one of the toughest times of my life. Very cute profile picture of you on here, by the way. Keep the relationship articles coming!

    Reply
  18. liam - ext. 9290

    Greetings to everyone, and it’s so good to see you all here. I want to thank Miss Krystal and Gina Rose and Mary Anne and everyone who expressed birthday wishes. Yes, the rumors are all true. Saturday, the 10th of July, a few short days from now, I shall turn 40 years old. For the record: Cancer Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising. Venus in Leo.
    Miss Krystal … I believe you’re but a few weeks behind me on the birthday trip, right?
    Love all the cool comments on the article. Thanks so much to all of you.
    Be careful of Woodslover, though. I hear the dude’s real trouble …

    Liam

    Reply
  19. maryannex9146maryannex9146

    Birthdays??? Born under Cancer???? Me, too.

    Have a wonderful, long-term, deep Southern born and raised very good friend from an “old South” very well to do family. She has been married for a very long time to a man who takes a lot of trips with his guy friends. She told me once in deepest confidence that some of the “activities” on those trips actually made her long-term marriage better.

    Maryanne
    x9146

    Reply
  20. indigodanceindigodance

    Liam – wonderful article. You gave me some advice once on my own issues. You more or less told me to walk away as the man in quesiton has very strong sexual tastes – not plesant to most women or men … I didnt… and I dont regret it. Much of what you told me was true – but to add in what you wrote above – which is what I could already see has given me the greatest insight and strength building that has helped me with my journey.

    I know why you told me to walk – the man I would like to be with is with another – and his passion is so great it is not really nice place to go. But I see beyond that, I see a beautiful friend – even though his passion is else where – staying with him as a friend has helped me with my own marriage. It made me free inside – no other has ever been able to do that with me.

    Reply
  21. rosenen09rosenen09

    I agree ,this article is realistic and gracefully presented.We are just humans some issues in life are just hard to say if it is right or wrong but it could happen to anybody.I feel that , what is important is someone has risen above -the sometimes draining journey of a successful marriage.(only time can tell ) Or at least protected few/some family members who can be possibly affected by the pains of any separation. By the way,I also like the article about people born from Cancer Zodiac sign.It has given me an insight of my own tendencies(+ or -).I am grateful to come across with California psychics.There’s some form of higher spirituality imparted that is explained in lay man’s term.To add,something that makes sense if we spend time to introspect our own selves.More power to you all !!..

    Reply
  22. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hail and Well Met Liam,

    Interesting, thought provoking article………

    Yes, as a Professional Psychic…..it is my job to help not judge anybody.

    You are having a birthday ?????? Well…..make it a joyful and happy one!

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  23. phillipphillip

    I would have to agree with everything spoken here. One thing I would add. Someone WILL lose here and it is often the third party who becomes the indiscretion. I often tell my clients who find themselves in that position that to continue to play the third party in the triangle is actually contributing to the continuation of the marriage because it is redirecting the stress, a sort of emotional steam pressure release. All is fine if the third party has no objective for permanency or exclusive committment. This is seldom the case and there is a karmic residue to be considered. In an ideal world everything would be above board and open and honest. In reality, fulfillment must come from within, not emotional quick fixes. I do not judge the behavior, but I do question chasing happiness at another’s expense. There is mostly always at least one victim in a marital or relationship triangle. This has karmic implications. We deal with that every day, all of us. Do we not?

    Reply
  24. misskrystalmisskrystal

    oops lol liam, i am next after you for birthdays-not an affair lol
    just wanted to clarify busting up over here
    miss krystal

    Reply
  25. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Interesting angle….Very profound. No doubt a total talent (Liam) and has a very organic/alternative feel to his writing. I do not judge these situations (as a reader/with affairs etc.). However, this angle and the perception, in this article, has opened me up to some new ideas…..Bravo! That would be a winner 😉
    Thanks, Liam. Happy birthday hun…I am next lol
    Miss Krystal

    Reply
  26. Jacqueline

    Hi Liam,
    I agree with everyone here, this takes great courage on your part to write such a profound real article, affairs happen many times non-meditative, some are, but often not, many times there are so many factors that come into play when an affair does occur.

    Never do I judge anyone who has had an affair whatsoever, it is not my place….I have no opinion, good or bad.

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  27. SuzanneSuzanne

    Such evolved prose pours from Liam’s pen (keyboard): “It is the person who accepts with grace that pain and catharsis, distance and reunion are natural in human relationships that will have a chance.” I learn a great deal from Liam.

    Reply
  28. woodslover

    I think Liam makes an excellent point. Regardless of what our religious or spiritual beliefs may be, marriage is about partnership, first and foremost. I think we all try our hardest to be perfect for our spouse, our lovers, our families and our friends. What we forget is that time has consistently demonstrated that this path is one that will only lead up to a life full of loneliness and regret.
    While this blog may upset some, I think it will enlighten many and lead some to question their inner most desires and their current relationship state. I give Liam an immense amount of credit for writing what many have already thought about at some point in time or what some may have already done. Either way, the real lesson in this article isn’t about the physical act or thoughts that we may have. It asks us to look closer and ask ourselves, what is the real lesson here……
    This blog is grounds for a great discussion and I can see why he is still such an excellent and much sought after reader. I’ve had the privilege of being read for by him and he is always accurate.

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  29. abvyette

    Wow…this guy doesn’t just have insight…he’s got the courage to tell things like they are even when it’s awkward and painful. No candy coating and just a gorgeous style. Kudos, Liam and MUCH admiration from you’re biggest fan.

    Reply

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