Date Your Anti-Type

One of the most popular reasons for turning down date invitations is that the other person “just isn’t your type.” People of both sexes feel strongly that they have a “type” or set of attributes that comprise their idea of an ideal partner. Common ones include tall, dark, handsome, scruffy, artsy, sensitive, strong and silent, and so on. Everyone has a favorite type. Is it just a harmless matter of taste? Not according to relationship expert Andrea Syrtash, who concludes that most of our so-called “types” aren’t right for us at all. In fact, they’re exactly the opposite of what we should be looking for in a mate.

Old habits die hard

Part of the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. Yet that’s exactly what most of us do when it comes to dating. We go after people who remind us of our exes, our celebrity crushes or the guy we fantasized about in high school. Then we’re surprised when we wind up heartbroken. Worst of all, most of these “types” are based on superficial qualities like hair color, height, job or fashion sense, instead of things that actually have an effect on someone’s viability as a partner: traits like kindness, generosity, shared interests or emotional openness, for instance. If you want to find a lasting mate who will treat you the way you want to be treated, which is a good basic standard, you must break the “type” attraction cycle.

Find your anti-type

Though it may seem unromantic and difficult to do, Syrtash suggests that you set aside your “standards” and venture outside your comfort zone while playing the field. You must give up your ingrained “perfect man” qualifications and get over the fear that you might be “settling.” In her new book, He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s A Good Thing), Syrtash outlines three “non-types” who may actually make you happy instead. There’s the “departure non-type,” the “superficial non-type” and the “circumstantial non-type.” In other words, guys who are the opposite of those you’d normally date, guys that don’t add up on paper (to match your checklist), and guys who you find attractive but don’t go after because of some outside circumstances. In opening yourself up to these sorts of anti-type partnering possibilities, you will begin breaking the patterns that have prevented you from romantic realization. You might even find true love in what you once thought were all the wrong places.

15 thoughts on “Date Your Anti-Type

  1. Pingback: Breakup Warning Signs | California Psychics Blog

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  3. michele marsh

    You are right on point in this article. I too was stuck to dating a certain “type”. My “ideal” person was blonde. blue eyed, and had to have either an advanced degree of some sort. Or if their income was at or able a certain level, I could kind of forgive their lack of education.

    Doing this I discovered, was a recipe for dating disaster almost every time. Although two gentlemen I dated (at different times) fit the outward standard of what I was looking for, they were both emotionally bankrupt. After being hurt initially, I realized their respective self-esteem was shot due to bad experiences they both had suffered, prior our dating. So they had to treat me and (and most likely other women) they way did, in order to feel better about themselves. It was so freeing to know the way they acted toward me was not about me after all. It was their own issue.

    Once I had come to this realization, I did meet someone wonderful. And you are right. He does not fit into the standard of what I once thought I was looking for. But he has some wonderful qualities that made me fall for him almost instantly. We are still together. He is full of surprises, and I still enjoy learning new things about him that I didn’t know before. Each day we spend together is a new adventure.

    Thank you so much for your article. It really helped validate what I thought to be true, but wasn’t sure.

  4. Robin

    I can relate to the article. Five years ago I met a man I simply could not stand to be around. I had heard frightening, horrible stories about things he had done to women. He could have been the last man on earth and I would never even considered sharing my life with him. Then one day for whatever reason I decided to listen to his side. We became best friends and I fell in love with him. After talking with him I discovered we have so much in common. I now feel like I knew him in a past life and we are meant to be together. He is a Pisces and I am a Scorpio, both water signs. He does the dreaming and I try to make the dreams reality.

  5. Kim

    I totally agree..I grew up thinking that my perfect mate would be a dark haired, hairy chested, tall (had to be at least 5″10 or more since I’m 5″8), with perfect teeth, in good health and definitely had to have a moustache, who treated me with total love and respect (my perfect idea of a man as a teenager was the actor Tom Selleck). My soulmate ended up to be a blond haired, a chest free of hair, shorter then I (he was about 5’5 1/2) who had a chipped tooth in the front and had a few medical problems. I could not have been more in love with anyone…he treated me with so much love and respect that I couldn;t help but fall in madly in love. He passed away this year, but we made so many wonderful memories that I still consider him my soulmate and love him more with each passing day, so you ladies out there who think that the only man is the one they dream of, try looking at different types of men and see if it isn’t more satisfying. Oh, btw..I did get the moustache!

  6. Irish Girl

    Janet, I have to respond to your blog because I too am a Leo, divorced from a drama king Aries (in defense of other Aries men I should say that mine had ADD issues that he took too long to address). In fact one of my favorite psychics on this site is an Aries. Anyway, I also am waiting on my Libra love interest to come around, and I know if we get together that I will be so happy with him. He and I are so much alike, whereas my Aries man ended up being so different from me. I relate totally to what you said in the rest of your note as well. I’ve gotten a lot of readings and been told that I’ll be together with my Libra dreamboat, so just waiting. Used to read a lot that Leos need other fire signs for marriage, but they didn’t know then what they know now. This is a good article for people who keep trying the same thing and not getting anywhere.

  7. Janet Shawl

    This is so true. I’m a Leo, been married to all fire signs, finally at age 70 found me a Libra, and what a difference! The man is an actual adult! My ex (Aries) is the original Drama King. My daughter (a Sag) kept telling me to go for air signs (she married a Gemini), and boy was she right! It’s such a relief not to have to anticipate off-the-Richter Scale eruptions over nothing, he actually listens me and is interested in what I think about things. (My ex wouldn’t have noticed if my hair were on fire.) We respect each other absolutely. He’s a real human being, and he really cares.

  8. Lili

    My ex-husband was not my type at all, and we had a pretty good marriage until I had to take a job out of state to try and get us out of debt.. then he began experimenting with very kinky sex, started cheating on me, and long story short- we’re divorced.

    It broke my heart, because not only did he divorce me, but he refused to accept responsibility for any of the debts he had created during the marriage. He left me bankrupt and alone, and walked away as if I was a fling instead of his wife for 9 years and his beloved for 12 years.

    Not sure I have much faith in this theory. I used to believe in it.. but not any more.

  9. cheryl

    I stepped out of what I am used to and found a very very pleasant surprise the love that I have been searching for all along, someone that accepts me as I am loves to laugh with me not at me someone who doesn’t put me down someone that is caring and loving and can cry with me and be strong for me when I can’t, someone that I can trust with my heart… my best friend! so yes if you can look beyond what you think is the ideal mate you will be surprised by what you find…

  10. Jodi

    Good discussion! I have to say, I read (devoured) this book. The author does NOT propose settling at all. In fact, she says we’re settling when we don’t demand deeper criteria (shared values/passion etc) Syrtash wants us to have high standards…but she thinks the checklists we’re using are misguided. I have to agree. I thought I’d be defensive reading this book, but it opened up a new perspective and I’ve felt more confident dating since. I agree, too, with Carmen that a lot of us sabotage our own happiness and we need to be healthy to want healthy love. Peace.

  11. Carmen Hexe

    Awesome story, Ivy! My husband has a beard kind of thing and body hair. I have always hated either. My husband breaks out in a sweat if he has to speak publicly, while I have no problem doing so. But he is my perfect type for the person that he is. And yes, he is my best friend and I feel we can tell each other anything.

    I would always argue that those who go on about their type, are generally commitment phobes who really just find reasons to sabotage their own happiness.

  12. ivyx5198

    Awesome!! trying something new is always fun. I like fun…it’s well, fun. My parents were married, happily, for 47 years. My parents were extreme opposites. I have never seen two people more in love. I have also never seen too people fight like that either. My father was not my mothers type. My father was kinda quiet, and very hansome. My mother was very out going and he was shy. They were amazing together.They were best friends. They talked some much at diner we couldn’t get a word in. They left instructions that they were to be buried together. My fathered died first and was cremated. My mother died 4 years later. We had their memoral service together. Their urns were emtombed together. My mother never dated. They truely loved each other. It was a great way to grow up. So yeah, I think dating outside your comfort zone is great. Just keep it healthy. All sparks will go out in time. Friendship, real friendship is forever.
    Namast, Ivy

  13. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi All,
    Stripped down, I think the message in this article ….is to try to break from your normal pattern to try something new, and you might be surprised…delightfully so.

    But Carmen, you made a good point…..old habits die hard in some people.

    That is where working with your psychic, life coach, therapist, etc can help you to understand and maybe change self-destructive habits and patterns. Reading a book or how-to manual, in most cases, just won’t do it.

    But I’m not a big believer in how-to relationship manuals to begin with, as a professional psychic for 44 years,…….. I have seen that every situation is unique to that individual……and their individual Karmic life path and Karmic lessons to be learned in this incarnation.

    So, I would not rush out to buy any books or manuals, but I recommend that a person , ( keeping an open mind and putting their ego aside ) ,would choose a psychic that can help identify self-destructive patterns, Karmic life path lessons to be learned….and go from there.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

  14. Carmen Hexe

    Alright, I drank the Hatorate and I am going to share! What this relationships expert says makes perfect sense and is true and is absolutely NOT doable in the real world!

    Here is why: Most people do not know the difference between standards and expectations. So while their expecations are crazy and unreasonable, they feel they settle if they vary from them.
    Most people who are hung up on a type lack self-esteem and self-love. They NEED a type, because the type makes them look better and, in their head, adds the imaginary cool factor they think they don’t have to begin with! All those who are hooked on a type are trying to make up for the things they feel they are lacking!!

    All relationships require chemistry. This is a well-known fact. What most people don’t know though, is that chemistry does not have rhyme or reason and we can, in fact, establish chemistry with someone we find emotionally, mentally and otherwise stimulating and in this case, we can vary from our types. BUT, the initial date will predominantly be determined by how attracted a person is to another, in which case the type comes back in. None of us will go out with a guy we find repulsive, no matter how great of a heart he has!

    This is all known and none of this is new. But all these great pieces of advice are for emotionally stable, whole, confident and self-loving people. And I might be a hater again when I am saying it, but the vast majority of singles out there on the market is NOT!

    There are currently two types of singles, the way I see it: The nutjobs who are single for a reason and those who have been severely burned or hurt by a nutjob and are now gun shy.
    I know, I know, this oversimplifies it, but when I see these relationship experts writing books on things that are common sense and then wonder why their advice doesn’t work, I must just shake my head and yell “OF COURSE THIS DOESN’T WORK! You are marketing your book and advice to people who cannot take advice and need a good dose of therapy before they will ever find happiness.”

    I guess what annoys me is that none of this advice tells a “broken,” self-esteem lacking person what they can do to change. Instead they tell them “well, let go of your dream world, and good luck with that.” Sorry, this stuff does not work in the real world! None of these “experts” address the real reasons and issues those who keep finding themselves alone have to deal with. Instead they give them fluffy bunny, common sense blanket statements that are definitely NOT inspiring or enlightening to anyone with half a brain.


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