5 Mistakes Smart Women Make

We, as women, seem to regularly fall into traps of our own making, as callers frequently remind me. We fall into these traps by making mistakes that, if we really thought things over first, we would not make! Some of these mistakes are listed below. Hopefully, these will serve as a reminder of what not to do.

The first is giving an ultimatum. Yes, we’ve probably all reached that point in a relationship where we say “Do this or I’m history.” But the problem is that you have to stick by what you say, with no going back once the statement is made. Guys recognize an ultimatum just like anyone, and women had better know that there is enough emotional currency in the bank to back them up… or else. The “or else” usually entails either a broken relationship or the loss of respect. Honestly, would anyone like receiving an “or else” from someone they care for? In a solid relationship there should be plenty of discussion and mutual respect, with no need for ultimatums.

Secondly, I’ve rarely seen or heard of a good relationship being built between a man and a woman through neediness. Yes, we all have our needs, but rarely does a man want a woman to constantly ask for reassurance, for example. (He’ll start thinking that there really is something wrong.) Likewise, that includes seeking guidance on all decisions in life that smart women have really learned to do for themselves. Everyone occasionally asks for advice – but not, I believe, on a regular basis. Let your man know that you know who you are, and that you can have a good life without depending on guidance from another.

Third, do not discuss past relationships in detail (this includes who you’ve slept with). None of us like to be compared with others, no matter how far in the past that relationship occurred. Besides, the man you’re telling your stories to may feel that he will be the subject of future discussions with others! Maintain some mystery – he knows you have a past, but really likes to think that your life began with him.

Another topic that regularly comes up is the subject of family – his, of course. You can pick your lover, but you can’t pick his family. This is fact. Hopefully you will love his family as much as he does. But if you don’t, don’t tell him all about it. They’re his family, and that is not going to change. (This includes any children he may have from past relationships.) If you plan on having a permanent relationship with this man, find a way to get along with them. Alienating them will serve no good purpose.

Lastly, once you’re in a relationship with a man, do not assume that he’s going to change. What you see is what you get, in the long run. (Some women tell me they don’t even get that!) But, however, if he eats crackers in bed and forgets your birthday at first, do not assume that he will change these habits. He won’t. Remember, you were attracted to this guy for definite reasons. Repeat these reasons to yourself and don’t make it an (attempted) life project to re-make him.

I hope that these tips are enough to consider as things we don’t want to mistakenly do. As for the five mistakes smart men make… well, that’s for another day!

14 thoughts on “5 Mistakes Smart Women Make

  1. Brandan

    It’s actually a nice and valuable bit of details. Therefore i’m glad that you just shared this useful details along with us. Be sure to keep informed such as this. Many thanks for sharing.

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  3. jlynn

    I completely agree with this article for the most part. With previous and current experience I have found you CANNOT give ultimatims, this offends a man and they feel as if they are backed into a corner- and no one likes to feel this way. BUT through trial and error, I have found if you make it clear that something bothers you that they do- and though they may not share that feeling with that excact situation, they should care enough and not want something to bother you so. I usually find saying something like ” I know that you dont understand and wouldnt care if I did that, but if something bothered you that much- regardless whether or not I could relate I would try to change it because I wouldnt want to see you unhappy. So please just take my feelings into consideration, I love you and i just want to spend the rest of my life making you happy and would like the same consideration.” And just reasure them that your on the same side. Because like the comments above, crying wolf is the worst mistake you can make when you want a change- but there are ways around it.

  4. searita4

    Another trap that isn’t mentioned here would fall under the neediness /insecurity category and that’s manipulation. If you find you know you have no right or shouldn’t give an ultimatum for a partner to make a certain change you’re uncomfortable with….do not deceive and manipulate to have your needs met. You will be found out and it will be revealed and once that trust is broken there is no fixing distrust. This happened to me more than once and by my ex-husband and boyfriend before that…sometimes men are sneaky and just don’t play fair. My husband, upon our engagement wanted to go see a female friend of his to share our good news and in turn I wanted to tell my male best friend so off we went….we saw her first and told her about it then we went to a bar/restaurant to see my friend who was working at the time…upon taking our seats I excused myself to use the ladies room and upon returning 5 minutes later…my fiance whispered in my ear that while I was away a woman from across the bar began to make eye contact with him in a non discreet manner and made him so uncomfortable by her lack of respect that we needed to leave. The very next occurrence was meeting up with a married couple I knew at a night club to dance when after dancing with my friend my fiance told me that we needed to leave because at this very same club he once met a woman and had a one night stand with her and she was so distraught by the breakup that she made him promise never to go to this club again because it was her hangout. Well needless to say that was the end of spending any time together with my friends and then it came to pass that even when we spent time with his friends he would become excessively jealous of the attention I received and he would cause an embarrassing scene and leave. I didn’t realize it at the time but his jealous behavior seemed to be no surprise to his friends and they just wrote it off with acceptance of him having jerky behavior sometimes.
    Needless to say it was 5 years before I reconnected with my best friend where I asked him if the woman at the bar had been hitting on my fiance that evening and he said no way….your husband is extremely immature and he has kept you from our friendship for the past 5 years. When I told my husband I would never cut off my friendship with my best friend again he began to follow me all over town. He would leave me snowed in the house while he went to work so I couldn’t get out of the house. These things occurred with such subtlety and since I was working and caring for a home and stepson I had no time to notice or the opportunity for the freedom to go out and once my stepson left us our whole world changed….ever hear of the expression barefoot and pregnant? Well I wasn’t pregnant but he kept me so busy running our world that I never had time for friendships but even if I were able to squeeze in a half hour visit with a girlfriend before picking my stepson up from the bus stop he had something to say about why I shouldn’t have spent that half hour with my girlfriend. It’s so obvious now but it wasn’t then. I am not a manipulator and I take people at their word. I was naive and never realized that insecure people will do any sort of manipulation that they see fit to get the job done and keep them sitting pretty…..

  5. donna

    Very nice article. I agree we teach others how to treat us. With our responses, actions and daily lives.

    I do have to agree with Gwen, sometimes things start out with an agreement, and one party decides they need a little extra entertainment out side of the relationship. Most of the time this was never agreed to by the other party. In fact, in my case he bluntly said “If you ever cheat on me, there will be hell to pay”. Guess, what he was the cheater. Midlife crisis, in the extreme, I will never trust him again on any level.

    Funny how things work out. I have seen articles excusing infidelity. But the truth is it hurts. It destroys families. Some relationships can with stand this, but I will not put up with being treated with such disrespect and I want my daughter to have that respect for herself.

  6. Fushi

    Well, I did tell my bf everything more than six months ago. Really- everything. It was only the beginning of our relationship, and I was forced to reveal all bit by bit, because sometimes I felt as if I was tormented. That really was my first real relationship and my past was certainly something I would like to forget. Still…
    All in all- it was painful, but I feel as if I was healed. If I shed tears because of my past a lot before, I do no more and never will.
    We are still together and very, very happy.

  7. tansy

    Dear Lisa:

    Thanks for the nice compliment! I’m sorry that you divorced but I am happy that you took positive steps to set appropriate boundaries. I know that in your next relationship these steps will serve you in a beneficial way.

    Ext. 5289

  8. gwen48

    This is a wonderful article. While I did not believe that the whole too much EX talk could hurt a relationship. It just killed mine. And not from my side! So it was truly a surprise for me because although I’d been told by others that well, too much discussion of ex’s was not a good idea, I was skeptical. It took an true overabundance of this to make me see the light ;-D. I also agree wtih what you see is what you get. Although sometimes people behave differently in the beginning, or agree with values and ideals you may hold that you later find out…maybe they didn’t agree in their hearts but only with their words. That is the only thing I would say should be included in this article: Is to closely watch what someone Does even more than hear what they say. Because I have discovered, in a very painful manner, that people can really talk a good game but either have no intention of doing what they’ve said or they are incapable of doing what they’ve said and won’t admit it. Hard to tell which sometimes, but the result is the same. And yes, I agree completely on Ultimatums: all it does is make it impossible to ever “fight fair.” When no one feels safe discussing maybe heated issues, no one wins if either one feel that any discussion could turn into an “I’m leaving you” ultimatum. And YEAH, you gotta be your own person. No one can make you “happy” or “unhappy” we all choose to React to others but they cannot “make” us anything. If you are a happy person, I believe that you will know and have to react if you find the other person’s “faults” are causing you to react again and again just to keep your own balance and happiness intact. Then, as a strong, loving, generous, happy woman you might just decide that a relationship is bad for you. I think that’s the healthy way, at leat for me, to think about it. Sure everyone has faults, including me, just gotta be two people whose faults are not so comletely incompatible. Thanks for the article, I kinda needed it right now 😉

  9. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Hi Tansy-
    These are very important. Great post.
    I agree, especially with telling every detail in your past relationships. Honestly, this is something that I have had a challenge trying to explain to people, for years. I always get a lot of reactions, like, “I don’t play games, this is who I am, etc.” It appears that the people who are tired of relationships that do not last, tend to listen up and take this particluar advice. Regardless, it hurts me to see some folks not want to believe this, because it really does cast a dark shadow, and can be very divisive. Especially during the first year of dating, I think saying things like, “It just did not work out” or, “Just too different” and, finally, dismissing it, with, “I don’t want to talk about the past, anyway, they are the last thing on my mind.” Yes, send a subliminal so that they can see you are at a total disconnect. Also, another thing I suggest, and I do this, even being a psychic, in my own life, give answers such as “ahuh” or “mmmmmm”-don’t get trapped in it, we all would like to give our “take” but it could start a fight!!!! They may not agree or not be ready to see what you noticed about what they told you….The ego is something else…

    Next, step kids/in laws…Be careful here, yes. Oh Tansy- you are so right on… YES YES YES….Actually, this one is so complicated- it is best to just get a reading, as it is hard to generalize here, as our society has such unique situations and arrangements these days. But yes, try to detach as best as you can. A lot of people have broken up because they make a big stand and become divisive with in laws. Before you know it, your partner and their family are bonding over it, and a lot of times, it leads to a big break up. Oh yes…
    If someone has this situation, it really would be ideal to get a reading here. A psychic can see the dynamic and possible traps, and to help you clearly avoid them.

    Excellent article. I really enjoyed it.
    Miss Krystal

  10. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Good tips……

    …..Especially the one about not delivering an ultimatum unless you are ready and capable of backing it up. Otherwise, you will ” cry wolf ” to the point of being tuned out and ignored……but then…..smart gals already know this. ( That tip carries over into business dealings as well).

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

  11. lisalisa

    I’m guilty of the first one- giving an ultimatum and not sticking to it. I’d draw that line in the sand and he would cross it and I’d draw another line and he would cross it and so on….

    My therapist helped me realize my part in it and when he crossed the last line he was shocked that I stuck to my guns. Unfortunately, that lead to the beginning of our divorce. I realize now that we were in a vicious circle- glad that is over.

    Great article.


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