10 Signs You Weren’t Meant To Be A Cougar

Ever since Demi Moore wed Ashton Kutcher, the term ‘Cougar’ when referring to a woman forty plus going out with a younger man, usually in his twenties is an accepted mainstream term. We all know men over thirty are not looking to date younger women, but liberated struggling curious males in their late teens and twenties often find the allure of an older woman attractive. Antonio Sabato Jr. was just 18 when he married his former wife, Tully who was 28 at the time.

The energy of youth and romance unencumbered by baggage of years of marriage and non-commitment can often serve to revitalize a woman’s confidence post a bad break-up. The Courtney Cox series Cougar Town sparked a huge online debate about the term being a punch-line, unfair and insulting to women. Men are called ‘studs’ and women are stuck with ‘cougars.’ It depends on who you talk to, but I have a friend who is constantly called herself a Grandma at 36 and was referring to men under 30 as ‘embryos’ until I requested she stop it.

There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to younger men, but not all of them are going to be Ashton Kutcher. Here’s a few signs it’s time to hand in your ‘Cougar’ card:

  1. You are tired of paying for dinner.
  2. You constantly wake up with a hangover and can’t remember the name of the Cub next to you.
  3. It’s starting to interfere with your work.
  4. You keep more than one overnight pair of fresh undies in your trunk.
  5. The neighbor’s teenage son starts to look good to you.
  6. Money starts disappearing from your wallet and you don’t have kids.
  7. You have to cut your evenings short to get your cub home in time ‘for curfew.’
  8. You catch your boy-toy uploading photos of you while he thought you were asleep to websites devoted to cougar conquests.
  9. Playing a sex educator doesn’t interest you. These guys are young and may not know what to do with your body.
  10. The novelty of having to explain culture references and words you use in normal conversation are grating on your nerves.

    35 thoughts on “10 Signs You Weren’t Meant To Be A Cougar

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    3. Cami

      Well, I’m a “cougar” and none of the things mentioned in this article have ever happened to me…In fact most of the younger men I have dated have been more respectful, romantic, and have always paid for dinner or whatever. I feel the “signs” listed are cliche and are not really portraying a real cougar…so I strongly disagree…and can see from some of the comments that other cougars have been successful as well. We get tired of the stereotyping of the concept of what a real cougar is.

    4. Donna

      I’ve never been atracted to younger men, in fact I had avoided male companionship for a long time. Had a difficult, short marriage resulting in two children. I became strong, self sufficient and raised two highly educated and successful daughters. I was recently pursued by a man 20 years younger and it didn’t take me long to give in. We are still working out the relationship but I feel a soul connection with him and will just see where it leads. 6 months ago I would not have believed I’d ever get involved with a young man. Not all relationships are meant to be easy and conventional. Well at least mine aren’t!

    5. Catherine Shores

      You go!! I am 49 and divorced.
      There are older women who enjoy younger men, who are affected by the economy live with family,suffered loss and setbacks, and don’t own a collection of stiletto shoes to show off their “paws”.
      I am rooting much more for those that make it work here!! Regardless. Waking up with a hangover with a 40-50+ year old next to me makes no hell of a differnce. I pay for MY drinks and meals.
      Younger men had ways to get home on their own and financially stable, unless they don’t have a cougar, or anyone else or a cab as a designated driver.Some drove ME home. I am dating online now in this category.I am inundated with emails from younger men “who would love to look up to me”. I tried to tango with an older man who ridiculed me for being a beginner. I later bumped into a younger guy who twirled me around “Cuban Style” Hook up no, Tango, Yes

    6. michelle

      I am a very young looking 36 year old. I am currently dating a man almost 14 years younger than me. I really don’t know why, but it works out so well! We get a lot of interesting reactions from people, but truly, I don’t care what they think. This man is really awesome and we seem to “fit.” I’ve never been happier with anyone before. So, I’m going to take it for what it is and enjoy the time with my young sweetheart.

    7. phyllis

      I enjoyed a liaison with a man of 30 when I was 67. It lasted for 15 months and I don’t regret it for one moment. He moved on to another woman in her 40s. I will ever be thankful that he awakened me after a shut down of 8+ years. We did have a good time!

    8. monserrat

      For those who got a good relationship with younger guys, it’s because it’s true love. Love has no number and it’s a mutual feeling between the two people and understanding/respect of each other. Unconditional love is also an asset to this, they guy could be mature but if you don’t see things in the same directions, it will not work either. So, don’t worry about the age gap and enjoy life as long as you’re not hurting anyone!!!! Getting married to each other is even better, lol!!! Go for it and I am too.

    9. La Maestra

      I am certainly much more capable of love than I was at 20. I’ve worked on self-esteem, finances, career, raised two children and followed my dreams. Why wouldn’t ANYONE be more attracted to THAT than what I was at 20? At 20 I was insecure, jealous, frigtened, not spiritually grounded and addicted to external validation. I was cute, but so what? I even look better now (at 52) than I did then. I dance salsa in two dance groups where most of the men are in their 20-30’s. Lots of men enjoy both the way I look and move, my energy and the sense of love and calmness they feel in my presence. To me, this cougar/younger man thing is logical. And I like to teach younger men how to treat me. 🙂 Part of the fun…I am gentle, but I insist on what I need. And I give, too.

    10. Sassy

      I do not have any problem with my 25 years younger cub. He finds me sexy,and in spite of my 53 years of age he isn’t ashamed of me when visiting public places or when introducing me to his friends and family members!He asked me to be his wife and I have accepted his proposal.I look great and I feel very healthy and full of life.He works hard for his money and I am not his supporting enabling source. I like his pride and the way he has become a truly man for me. So what I am a Cougar and he is proud of being my cub!!

    11. misunderstood

      well,as far as for me,I’m in my 40’s & my so-called mate is 30’s.But it’s like taking care of a child in there late teens. Want to drink,look at girls,party if possible and he has little kids.
      That is why I left,it’s like this if I don’t put money away,we would have been broke.Even now if he needs money he will give me the puppydog face w/a song and dance.What an actor.And me being a caring soul,help this person out.For me trust is the main thing,I have none after 5yrs.Wish I could get in his mind to tell him he will get old too.And you want to remember goodtimes not bad,so does the kids.Lies and deception does not a marrage make.

    12. PAMELA

      i am almost 0-my husband is almost 30-we have been married for over 5 years and it is glorious! My husband is older than I am—I am a young girl in heart and he is almost a father figure to me. I was never attracted to younger men. I fell in love with his heart-his goodness-and yes, he is beautiful. I thank God for him daily. It is the heart and mind-not he numbers. I do look young-but I am no model-but i pray to GOD THAT MY HUSBAND SEES MY BEAUTY-AND HE DOES.

    13. richiam

      I encountered the same problem, I am 50 and he is 24, he thinks I’m beautiful and he pursued me now for a year and a half. At Christmas we discussed the children issue, he wants children some day. I broke it off, and we are both heart broken, wish I had met him 20 years ago. I would adopt or help raise children a cub already has.

    14. Blueyedervish

      I married my male when I was 42,and he was 28.That was 9 years ago.I’d never been in love and at the time,I felt when he assked me to marry him,it was my last chance for happiness.I learned all too soon,that it was lust,not love that motivated this uhion because his heart was in fact,already taken.Within a few months,I learned he had a wife and child i Peru.I was devestated and so very angry with myself for having seen and ignored all the signs warning me not to marr him.As time went by,and through a series of s conflicts,we came to terms which for the time being,I can live with.Divorce is certainly eminent and I have removed myself emotionally from the situation,which is now strictly a business arrangement though my male does wish it otherwise.9 years is a long time.Time I can’t get back.But I am okay with that.He was young and desperate and I was blind to the truth however I have turned this disaster into a posative.He is now,still my room mate for the time being.And I have made an impact on the lives of others for their betterment.Meanwhile,I have grown personally.I’v learned so much about myself and have learned to love me,for my faults and my attributes.I know when this is oer,I will be able to look back without regres.Thats most important.I can live my life unfettered and wiser.

    15. JW

      well said….someone always has something to say about everything…as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters!

    16. tina wilder

      tia says that her cub knows her body and she knows his we actually started-out as roomates and we have been in bliss for over a year now finacially speaking he handles his and tia handles hers no problems lady cougars u need to educate the cubs on what ur needs r if he is like my cub he will make ur eyes roll and ur toes CURL i`m loving this no big commitment issues……tia

    17. dancingwaters7

      I am married to a younger man as well he is 27 I am over 40 and he commented he wanted a mature woman with job and security . He aso has a job and secure . States that the younger women he knew are too whinney not saying they are but we get along great

    18. donnalee

      the problem i have encountered is if this younger man wants to be a father and you are really too old for that and rob him of that experience

    19. Boots

      I am 58 and recently married to a 38 year old man. I can’t believe the snide comments. People just need to get over themselves. I decided, after two failed marriages to the RIGHT SORT of men, to take a chance with someone entirely different. At this age, it’s not about Mr. Right. It’s about Mr. Right Now. We’re happy. So what, if it doesn’t last forever. Almost no relationship does. Life is short. Have fun.

    20. angela

      im turning 54 in april and my man is 14 yrs younger with our ups and downs wouldnt trade him for nothing. hang in there girl. from a proud cougar!!!!!

    21. Staci

      Being a cougar is not bad at all. Live, Laugh, and love. Know what you want and if something else turns up good or bad it’s life. Don’t deny yourself based off of others opinion. I have been a cougar for six years. I am fourty one and he is twenty one this is my third young man.Live, Laugh,and love.

    22. Elise Bejan

      Gina never say never, you do not choose who you love, it chooses you. To allow a relationship to get to that extreme as that list(shame on you!)you and only you allowed for that to happen. We are all big girls and were there once. I am in my 40s, but do not look a day past 28. a 26 year old fell for me, and I for him. But I could not pursue the relationship…just as we were, meeting and dating at that age, only make me fear how long would he be around? or when will he see someone his age and be tempted? They are not all ashton, or are we as confident as demi. If so just have fun. I have never regretted anything in my whole life until-this difference in age and time. I do wish him luck in life and love.

    23. sdv

      This is all hard to swallo being an older man who had a 22 yr marriage and 2 boys 15 and 18 with a women who took off with a friend of our older boy.Its been 2 yrs and she has had no contact with either of her kids since.

    24. Penny

      Hi, I had a very unexpected “cougar” encounter aged 44.We don’t seem to have a title for it in England. Whilst living in a spiritual retreat I met a twenty year old and we had a volatile and passionate relationship for nearly three years. I then pushed him out of my life as a partner and we stayed friends. It was the deepest and most shattering union I have had. I finally broke contact completely when he had been with his new love over a year but never forgot him. He died last year aged 34 and I have never regretted the time we spent together, only the time we didn’t.

      Beware fellow cougars, it may not be the frothy ego boost you want – it may be be a sharp learning curve followed by sadness. Love and Hope to you all.

    25. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

      Don’t let it get to you. I am 40. I just had a man, older than me, tell me,”You are not a girl anymore, 40 is not a girl, you are a mature woman.” LOL
      I said, “Oh there is still a little girl in me somewhere.” It’s what you believe.
      Being youthful is first starts in our minds and then to our spirit…
      Miss Krystal

    26. Gina

      You’ve just made me feel old. I’m 41 and lots of really young guys check me out. I could never spend too much time with anyone who couldn’t relate to jokes, anecdotes, or other references from “back in the day”. That’s just me, though.

    27. Gina

      All of you: get over your elementary philosophies.
      If the man is well past his teens and has come to terms with his mind and heart, is mature enough to love and appreciate a woman over 40, he’s obviously wise. Real love runs deeper than wrinkles and stronger than age differences. I am 49 and my HUSBAND is 28. We wouldn’t trade what we have for anything.
      ps.neither of us have material wealth.

    28. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

      Ok I am busting up here. lol
      Although I see the truth and possiblity with this list, I have to tell you all about the flip side.
      In my experience, I have clients, women, who are with younger men. Some of these men are helping these ladies with their kids, finances and are true blue to them. They also clean their houses, wash their clothes and cook. It’s all relative.
      I have had younger men call and cry to me over an older woman. And, yes, a broken heart over them.
      I am sure there are many women out there who had men try to do some of the same things listed in this article, that are even older than the woman!
      Other than that, I believe in self respect. And I have seen many younger men respect the older woman in relationships. But I could see where it would get out of hand if a woman is doing and living her life according to this article.
      Thanks. I was entertained reading this.
      Miss Krystal

    29. Ardennite1

      I think that Coleen Marie Quill wrote this with her tongue firmly in her cheek. For a name to be attached to this phenomenon must mean that there is alot more of this behaviour than we’d like to admit. So a younger guy is attracted to an older woman. -And?! Maybe he’s got issues that he needs to resolve with his mother, but what has that got to do with anyone else? And if this ‘cougar’ is cute enough to appeal to a younger guy after she has turned 40, then good for her. Remember, only a woman with confidence and self-love can do that.

    30. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

      …WELL…after reading this I can definitely say I’ll never be a cougar. Anybody who really knows me would tell you that I never let anything get in the way of my work & career.
      I still would date a younger man if I so desired….but I would never become a baby sitter, counseler, or banker to a younger man….( or any other man in any age bracket for that matter).
      Blessed Be )O(…..Gina Rose ext.9500


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