Conversation tips for when you're dating.

Talk tactics...

If you're someone who worries about fearsome awkward silences every time you're getting ready to go out on a date, this one's for you! You've seen them: people who are so comfortable with themselves, so at ease with who they are (or at least with what they have to say), that the words flow freely, and seemingly endlessly. They've got an answer for everything, and most of the time it's witty. Their verbal savvy makes up for any other shortcomings and they come off as attractive and charming no matter what they look like. They're born communicators. And most of us aren't them! Most of us spend time worrying about how we'll be perceived. We sometimes get quiet or rattle on too long. We bumble over words and even apologize when we didn't do anything wrong. We're either familiar with foot in mouth syndrome, or accustomed to shifting opinions to agree with someone else for fear of rejection. None of this makes dating any easier. At worst it can contribute to feeling stupid or unworthy of love. But just because you're a little communication-challenged, it doesn't make you a bad (or stupid) person. In fact, the only thing it makes you is human! These tips will make it easier for you to make conversation - without feeling self-conscious. They'll give your dating life a little mouth to mouth resuscitation - starting with the talking kind!

Tell me more, tell me more
If you tend to prattle on about yourself and your interests (a common dating mistake that often arises from nervousness), learn these three words: "tell me more." Oftentimes when dating, we make the mistake of thinking that it's our job to convince the other person to like us, when actually it's about both people figuring out if they like each other. Women especially tend to get caught up in the "will he like me" mindset, and in trying to put our best foot forward/make ourselves seem interesting, we wind up putting everything on the table - including things that should be held back until we know if we like a guy enough to share them! Add to this the simple fact that most people do like to talk about themselves at least a little bit (and certainly enjoy feeling as if someone is interested in what they have to say) and you'll score real points for asking for details. So when your date tells you he likes the Dallas Cowboys, rather than jumping off into your favorite team/favorite sports story, or why you're not really into sports at all (or worse still staring at him blankly wondering which spherical object-driven team sport he's referring to), ask some questions. Did he grow up liking the team or was this a choice he made? Who's his favorite player and why? If you're not a fan at all, ask him to explain this whole lure of football, noting that maybe he can convince you. And even if you're not swayed, don't be dismissive or even worse, pretend to be a sudden fan. One dating expert recommends the line "I've never thought of it like that before," and it's a great one to use in a case like this.

Say what you think not what you think your date wants to hear
This cannot be stated strongly enough since there's no other way you're ever going to find true love. Don't be afraid to be you. Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about what qualities would make us desirable and too little time recognizing that we're desirable just as we are. Everyone has flaws. This is not something we can escape. But we're all works in progress and if we try to fashion ourselves into our version of someone else's idea of desirable, we're simply muddying the waters and setting ourselves up for disappointment. We can't read other peoples' minds. The best we can do is be ourselves, let them be themselves, and see how it all shakes down. How does this apply to communication? When conversation points come up that ask for an opinion, you should be truthful. You don't have to degrade the other point of view, but you certainly don't need to lie or say nothing. If you're passionate about something, let it show! Even if your date disagrees, sometimes differences create sparks. And if they don't and someone can't handle your true feelings (or vice versa), then you're not well paired in the first place. Likewise, if you hit a moment of silence, don't ignore it - admit it! Try something like "well then... now that we've covered the awkward silent moment" and you may find it diffuses the tension and maybe even makes the two of you laugh, showing that you're comfortable - and cool - enough to say what's on your mind.

Leave your inner critic at home
This one's twofold. First, when your date tells a story about someone who may be close to them, even if it's an angry one, be careful what you say about it. Remember those times when your ex chimed in on your complaints about your mother/brother/best friend and you got irritated. If your date tells a story about someone who affected their day (or anything like that) you'll come off better with a "yeah, that would have irritated me too" than you will with something along the lines of "what an idiot!" It shows that you're empathetic without being too quick to judge. On that same note, don't criticize anyone else you come into contact with. Ladies, just because your waitress is pretty doesn't mean you should be threatened. Guys, who cares if the guy ahead of you at the valet got out of a Ferrari - your date's thinking about you. Both men and women come off as jealous and insecure when they feel the need to put people down - especially early on and without knowing the person they're talking to. It doesn't puff you up in your date's eyes... in fact, it does just the opposite. The second judge to avoid is your own self-critic! Don't apologize for who you are. If you're late or spill a drink or something like that, then sure, say you're sorry once or twice (no more). But if you're one of those people who peppers their conversation with apologies for opinions "Well, I'm sorry but I think..." or "You're food isn't good? I'm sorry" stop yourself right there. You're entitled to your opinions and you can't apologize for things over which you have no control. Women are more apt to do this than men, but either gender reveals insecurity when they over-apologize - which isn't attractive to anyone.

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