I'm single in my 50s and often meet quality men. When I meet a man I'm comfortable with and he's "nice" but there's no "real" attraction should I still go out with him to see if something develops? I've done this in the past and after a few dates the "attraction" never came. Should I have some "attraction" before going out with someone? Signed,
Wishing I Liked Nice Guys
Dear Wishing,
My dear, women of the world have struggled with this one since caveman days. Brain studies actually show that women are more attracted to hot, handsome, tall men, and even have more orgasms with them. How crazy is that? It's like we're genetically wired to want to procreate with the studly ones (and I'm sure you've noticed men mostly want to bed beauties, too...). That said, there is hope. Fortunately, we can get past some of this primal stuff. People are amazed that shared values and positive interactions can increase their romantic interest. So, even though it hasn't worked for you in the past, do keep giving "nice" men a chance. I recommend the "three date rule" - if a man doesn't do something you find offensive, dangerous or illegal, then see him three times no matter how bored or ho-hum you feel. You just might find a teensy spark that can turn into a flame. Many amazed women have. If nothing comes of it, you may have at least found a friend who can introduce you to his nice (and hopefully hot!) social circle to expand your opportunities.
Good luck.
Carol
I met a guy two years ago and I felt from that moment that he's my soulmate... We started a relationship but stopped dating because I wanted to be serious and he wasn't ready. I wasn't asking for a wedding, just to see each other more. We didn't see each other for six months but then he came back. He said he loves me and I thought we finally got it together but every time we get close he runs away. I still love him - I've never felt for anyone what I feel when I'm with him. If he's my soulmate why isn't he feeling the same way?
Signed,
In Limbo Love
Dear In Limbo,
That's a mighty powerful word you're using there - "soulmate." Let's define it, shall we? Typically experts on the topic have two definitions of a "soulmate." One camp says it's a person you have a "karmic agreement" with - so you're supposed to know one another to learn something or heal something. Throughout your life you'll meet many soulmates in many forms who will "bring up" different issues and life lessons for you to work on together (this can include friends, siblings, parents, and even pets...). The other camp says there's only "one true soul twin" - that one special person meant romantically and sexually just for you - and if you can't make it with that one person, you'll never have that kind of love again. I happen to believe in the first definition, and think the second definition causes lovely women like yourself to put up with poor treatment out of fear that they might blow their one magical chance for real love.
So my advice is this: commit to the kind of relationship you want, and quit putting how a man makes you feel ahead of how he treats you. Find the man that treats you well that you can also love and don't commit to any man otherwise. I'm sorry, but it sounds like your friend might be a soulmate that's here to make you crazy enough to force you to commit to what you want and give up putting someone's needs ahead of your own. I'd let him go and trust his actions and stop believing his words. Two years is long enough to find out if someone wants what you want, and he doesn't.
Sorry...
Carol
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