I have been separated for nine months now. I was married for 22 years but it was a bad marriage. I do feel better now that I'm on my own but I'm very lonely. I met a guy and we've been seeing each other for a few months. One day he told me he didn't want a commitment. That threw me for a loop. Everything was going great. We weren't in a sexual relationship but it was going in that direction. I'd like to know what happened and wonder if I did something wrong. This has torn me apart. I hope you can help me out on this.
Signed: Single and Surprised
Dear Single,
First of all - let me congratulate you on finding the courage to leave a 22 year bad marriage! Yikes! That's a huge accomplishment. And, you may have done nothing wrong with your new guy. He sounds like he was a nice "transitional" relationship to get you "back in the saddle" of dating, but that he's not in a place to settle down - which probably has nothing to do with you. And really you're probably not yet ready, either. If you fear you "blew it" or scared him off - ask him! Tell him you're new to the dating world and you'd love his feedback on how you could have perhaps been more successful. My advice going forward is to date a few people casually and just have fun. Don't set your sights on any one man until you've been dating a while. And perhaps get some counseling as to why you were so unhappy for so long with your husband, so that you're fully healed and ready before your next full relationship, and not doomed to repeat whatever went wrong with him with the next guy.
Good luck!
Carol
My partner and I are very much in love. I've heard you say on your show (Enlightening Relationships on Karmaair.com) that you should never argue with your soulmate. I think romantic passion between two people might also translate into passionate discussions or disagreements. It would seem to me that never having any disagreements would mean that there's no passion. Can you expand on that? Thank you!
Signed: Passionately Curious
Dear Passionately,
I happen to also passionately believe in passion, but I find it's not necessary or wise to argue with anyone - soulmate or otherwise... Have you heard the old-fashioned saying, "It's better to catch flies with honey than vinegar?" Well, that's why. Here's the thing: when you fight with someone you love, you're saying to them, "I'm right and you're wrong." That immediately brings up bad feelings, and creates resistance in their mind. They won't be open to your input - even if you're right. In fact, especially then! And they'll just feel separate from you, killing all closeness. So, if you lose a fight you've lost, but if you win you've really lost, because you may be "right" but you'll have made the other person feel badly and uncomfortable around you. So instead of fighting or arguing, simply say, "Wow - that's fascinating you see it that way. I see it differently. I'd like to understand more why you see it your way. Could you please explain?" Then really listen to them from their point of view. In the end, you can always agree to disagree, but if you make them feel that their take on things is valid and okay even if it's not your take on things, you'll have a much better relationship and much more of a chance at feeling like soulmates forever... Try it - you'll be amazed at the results!
Best wishes,
Carol